Pt. 3 Learning to Attach

12/8/22

Bonjour Beautiful You!

(I had to look up what ‘Hello’ in French was; did you already know?)

What was something you’ve seen or heard that was so beautiful you told yourself you’d never forget?

Trying to remember . . . (Ahem – so much for ‘never forgetting’!) There have been quite a few things. What’s amazing is, as my heart is turning more to flesh than stone, more things are beautiful, you know?  Whether it’s the birds I love to watch, sunsets and rises, lakes and oceans; gardens in the park I love to walk, and, of course, a lot of songs.  My friends. One of whom, ‘M’ mentioned this for another reason but I’m claiming it here – the light or sparkle you see in another’s eyes when they see something or someone they love.  It still causes me to cry a little (in humble amazement) when that sparkle is in the eyes of a friend who’s looking at me.  On the one hand, soooo grateful I can now recognize (and learning to accept) that a person can love me, and on the other, still kinda makes me wanna run and hide, to be honest. But that’s what these posts have been about – learning to stay when genuine friendship and love are offered.

A few trafficking survivors (including ‘Moi’) will be giving brief talks this week at a fund raising event for WAR (Women at Risk, International) in response to a question Rebecca McDonald, founder of WAR, asked us earlier.  (Among other things, WAR rescues children and adults out of sex trafficking and gives them a safe place to heal and learn how to live in freedom.)  There will be three fundraisers and all of us will be giving talks at each one.  (Tell me I can do this!) 

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve had moments of soft tears falling, with a feeling in my heart that’s indescribable. Not depression, more like how a line from an Alice in Chains song could describe it: “Tears that soak a calloused heart”. After a few times of this, asked God to help me understand ‘why’. 

Have also been reining myself in, so to speak.  Haven’t been running the roads like I usually do,  nor walking the dog as much, just laying low.  Just occurred to me, maybe it’s more like not running away from myself as much as usual.  And when I’ve started to feel overwhelmed or fear filled, instead of fighting the feelings I’m saying ‘Yes, God’.  It eases the angst considerably! 

Think it’s helped lead to some interesting insights all of a sudden –

This morning my dog ticked me off and I heard myself say: “OF COURSE you’re taking advantage of my love for you, why wouldn’t you? Everyone else does.” 

Whoa!

Seemed as if I’d thought that many other times, just not on such a conscious level.  

Hmmm . . . no wonder why I have trouble attaching and staying when a relationship (of any type) starts getting into my heart!  It also helps to explain the lightning quick jump to ‘snarkiness’ (a technical term) when things haven’t go the way I thought they should.  Somewhere in the shadows of psyche the belief is still lurking that it’s personal instead of them just being their self, and I’m being used at my heart’s expense whether whatever happened is by a person, animal, or I suppose even God.  

Wow. Now that I’m aware, it can be changed and there won’t be that defensive ‘go away or I will’ reaction anymore.  (Please God, make this the final component to that behavior.)

The other revelation came a few minutes ago.  In order to nurture and help to heal and grow up the younger parts of my psyche (‘Little Pearl in the Light and Little Pearl in the dark, A.K.A. ’L.P.’, as explained in the ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the homepage) I’ll occasionally buy a children’s book to read to L.P. out loud.  It helps to counteract all the negativity ‘they’ (family/abusers) shoved into my mind and heart and gives LP the assurance she’s loved. And, hopefully, the security needed to open up and tell me the pain filled secrets she’d still hiding, which will aid in integrating her into the rest of my mind. 

Anyway, the story starts out explaining that God created the child that the story is about, and I remembered the Biblical verses that tell us we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and God (lovingly) knit us together in our mother’s womb and ‘He don’t make sh*t”.  (Ok, so maybe those last four words aren’t the exact biblical wording, but the meaning’s the same. :)). 

And for the first time, the realization hit of  how much I . . . well . . . hated being a product of the two people who provided the sperm and egg that created me.  Never realized how strongly I felt I must be just like them, and still believed I must’ve deserved the (lack of) value they placed on me since they created me.  The way they treated me must’ve been what I deserved, because who would know my valuelessness better than them? (Kinda mentally gagging while thinking that.)

Now that it’s (finally) sinking in that God created me, and He loves me the way I truly deserve, there’s a deepening understanding I’m worthy of other’s love, too – especially my own. 

I love the image at the top of these last three posts; in three small pictures and their nine words it perfectly describes the journey I’ve been on (and has taken hundreds of thousand words to describe over time!).  

In that first frame, it’s early-in-recovery-Pearl knowing I needed psychological work; just didn’t know what all and why.  

I needed to grow up; so much of my psyche was stuck at the various stages of young life when the traumas took place.  And with so much of my mind at those different ages, there was no real, stable ‘adult’ inside that had the roots needed to weather the emotional mayhem that was about to take place as my feelings thawed and memories emerged. 

The second frame is where I’ve been – doing the work to heal and change. 

The desire to experience all types of genuinely loving relationships has been growing and couldn’t figure why I couldn’t. Now I understand there had to be growth out of the stunted mind and heart sets of ‘unworthy’ and ‘everyone (including self) is untrustworthy’ before I could grow a root system to gain the heart stability needed to open up and reach out to receive and reciprocate love.

I like how Bishop T.D. Jakes describes it in his “Crisis of Next” talk. He said an ‘adullah’ is a cave people spent an extended amount of time in, alone, in order to unlearn who they thought they were in relation to others. It’s only in becoming who we truly are as an individual that we can offer anything real and of substance to anyone else. 

If I believe I’m the worthless shame and unresolved anger that stemmed from those ‘loving’ abusive relationships earlier in life, then no matter how I try to dress it up and call it all sorts of pretty names, it’s still only shame (and anger) I have to offer.  Which creates controlling manipulations, stipulations and parameters on ‘love’, which it obviously wasn’t. When its genuine love its consistent, accepting and freely given, if imperfectly at times.  

That third picture is the Holy Grail for me, and I’m getting so much closer, if not already ‘here’. 

So many times I’ve thought I’d attained that level of healing, where relationships could be rooted in healthy, healing love and respect, and I’d be able to ‘stay’ and attach (without being completely controlling and needy).  So, I’d reach for it, only to fumble due to not having ‘grown up’ enough yet.

I never yearned for riches (although it would be nice to be free of financial worries!), or things or perfection.  It’s love, always about love. I am so humbled and amazed sometimes when considering the quality of friendships that are being cultivated now.  These people choose to accept and love me, and are patient as I figure it all out.  And God knows, I’m learning from them and vastly improving on reciprocating.  (See, I AM growing up! Hallelujah!)

I’ve also gotten so much better at imagining a truly loving romantic relationship, with learning to let go of control of how and when, etc., and still have remnants of feeling like I have to do all the work because there’s no possible way someone will ever come towards me.  (Which is why I may have missed some rather glaringly obvious moments when someone has; couldn’t see what I couldn’t believe.)  Starting to build the faith that a Great Guy is holding on until I’m free of the imaginary b.s. enough to know that sh*t isn’t who I am.  And clearing that poop out of the eyes of my heart to see what’s actually going on around me instead of doubting it, and/or letting those fading fear based reactions sabotage it. 

After today’s revelations I’m better able to trust my own vision. Thank You, God. (And Pearl, for doing the work!) 

I love this week’s song – whenever I imagine slow dancing with someone, this is the song that frequently plays in my mind. (Although, it’s usually the sappier version I posted last year. :)) Found an electrified version of “Winter Wonderland” by Stryper; hope you like as much as I do! Thank you, ‘Deep South’, for posting this!