Puuushing Out Of Comfort Zones

3/1/22

(For explanation of who GG {Great Guy} is, please use ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the Home Page.)

Hello Good Person!

How have you been doing?  What’s the best memory you have from this past week?

Would you like (or are planning) to do something that’ll push you out of your comfort zone, or maybe you’re not sure you have what it takes to accomplish that goal or dream?  

If so, at the end of this post is a link to a very encouraging talk by Stephen Furtick called “The God Nod” that helps me to believe I can, even though my palpitating heart insists otherwise.  Maybe it would inspire you, too?

(I have faith that you do have what it takes, by the way.)

Trying to remember who it was that said they changed the way they perceived their reactions to doing something that scares them by telling their self that sweaty palms, pounding heart and whatever symptoms of anxiety they are experiencing are signs of excitement, not fear.

I’ll have to see if that works . . . 🙂

There are a few opportunities coming up over the next several months that I pray to have the courage to follow through on.  A couple of them are . . .

Don’t know if you read the post “Growing Pearl Up” dated 2/9/22, about Little Pearl’s fear of playing guitar, and why, and my therapist’s admonition that if I’m serious about learning to play well I’d have to do exactly what I’m terrified of, which includes playing in front of others.  I found a group of folk musicians who get together on a monthly basis to play music in a casual atmosphere, to support each other and talk about their music.  They said I (or anybody else) could join in, and the meeting is this Friday.  Short of severe weather, cancelation of the meeting, or major illness (and apparently ‘mental hyperventilation’ and/or ‘the vapors’  are not considered ‘major’ :)), I will be going.  I’ve given myself permission to just observe the first time, though, to see how things are done.  

(I’ve taken so long to finish this that I have done that, last night, and that’ll be part of a future post, I’m sure!)

I’m also writing letters to a couple of the people that perpetuated the hell of childhood to let them know I’m speaking up about it.  I told them I’m not looking for their approval and certainly don’t expect acknowledgement or sincere apologies (they’ve had decades to do that).  

And to be honest, I don’t want to hold animosity towards them anymore.  I’m tired of it, my life certainly isn’t any better off because I do, and as long as I keep holding onto that miserably protective anger the good men that weave in and out of my life end up paying the price for others’ sins.  

So to help become more liberated from the bitterness, I wrote what I truly believe.  I know they go to church and act like they’re good Christians, so I told them if they haven’t honestly owned what they did to God already, and they have a conscious about it, then they might as well.  After all, He knows and He’s just waiting for them to acknowledge it so He can forgive them.  

(I believe God’s {and my} forgiveness doesn’t mean a ‘free pass’, but He will guide them to do what’s necessary to face the consequences of what they did, atone for it,  and heal whatever it is that cause(d) their abusive behaviors.)

I made it clear, however, that even if they did ‘come clean’ with God it does not mean I’d want a relationship with them, and if anyone else comes forward to say they were abused by them I would certainly support the survivor(s). 

I can only pray (literally) that by taking another step towards forgiving the abusers and reminding them about God’s capacity to forgive them is causing me to let go of more anger and desire for vengeance.   And that, in turn, sets me free to live and love more freely and treat good men more like they deserve.  God knows, I keep praying, hoping, believing and doing the work to heal what was done in order to achieve those dearly held goals.  

I’m crying while typing this part because that hope goes so deep into my heart, as does all the regret that’s harbored here, too.  So frequently, whenever I hear a song that’s essentially about a bitch of a woman that ‘gives love a bad name’ I feel convicted.  But I’m increasingly realizing that I do deserve (good!) credit for all I’m doing to heal from what the perpetrators’ horrific actions did to me.  It’s not, and never was, my shame {in spite of how I still feel at times} and I’m still responsible for doing the work that leads to healing so I stop hurting others.   It takes courage and humility to face my own crud, to understand and learn from it in order to treat good guys (in whatever capacity they show up, not just those my heart trusts and hoped for a relationship with) better.  And Lord knows, I have so imperfectly over apologized & overcompensated to GG, who I’ve acted so confusing and crappy to, in order to get him to understand but I’m learning to give myself kudos for that, too.  I did the emotional healing work that led to that (pain filled, humbling, and liberating) revelation (as was written about in the post “Forgiving Myself” dated 12/14/21).  Even though I didn’t do it right at least I tried, and I am finally getting it right by leaving him alone (even though my heart still slams against my ribs and does a tap dance whenever I notice him, then cries later).

I’m also writing apology letters to the innocent ‘younger generation’ I walked away from without explanation after getting into recovery.  I didn’t (and still don’t) want to put them in the middle since they know and love some of the people involved in the abuses, and I didn’t know how to explain to them at the time without doing that.  I tried to tell them, back then, that I would always be here for them even if I couldn’t be ‘there’ (at most gatherings), but I don’t know that they remember or even understood what I was trying to say.  

Without going into detail about what happened to me, I’m also telling them that if they ever experienced any abuse and they wanted to talk about it I would listen, believe, and support them in whatever way they need.

Even though I’m grateful to have never dumped my issues on them, I have had regrets because I’m sure it could’ve been handled differently.  I’m hoping that apologizing will not only heal them if there was any hurt caused, but also alleviate my own guilt, which would facilitate an ability to forgive and love myself, and therefore others, better too. 

There are a few other things I’m tackling now and in the near future, and I’ll be telling you more about that in future posts.  In the meantime, if you have anything you’re pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to do please feel free to tell us if you feel like it.  Whether you share or not, I am encouraging and praying for you as you move forward.  

Here’s another VICTORY verse for you from the NIV Bible, book of Deuteronomy, Chapter 20, verse 4:  “The Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight your enemies to give you VICTORY!”  Those enemies can also include the ones inside of our own minds and hearts. VICTORY may not always be swift and/or easy, but as my testimony about my marriage can attest to, (as well as the battle for healing of heart and mind God and I are winning), TRIUMPH IS ASSURED IF WE PERSEVERE!  So please, don’t ever give up the good fight – you’re worth fighting for (and so am I). 

Here’s the link to that Stephen Furtick talk:  https://youtu.be/GD60Xh3z9xk 

I’ve already used the Triumph song, “Fight the Good Fight”  that would’ve gone so well with this post, so it’s a good thing they have a back-up tune that’s almost as good, “Never Surrender”.  Enjoy!