2/1/22
Aloha Be-Loved,
How’re you doing this week? Have you had any reminders lately that you’re a worthy-of-the-best-God-has-for-you person? Let this be a(nother) nudge for you – YOU ARE LOVABLE AND LOVED, whether you know by Whom and who all or not. May you fully receive your infinite well of real love, and give it generously, too.
A Soul Sister (who also survived a hellish childhood) and I went to see the movie “Redeeming Love” several days ago. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s set during the American Gold Rush era and is about a woman who was sold into prostitution at 8 years of age. When she was a young adult (and still a prostitute) a man (who didn’t use her) genuinely falls in love with her. He marries the lady in spite of her inability to believe anything good could come out of it for her, that he could truly see any value in her (since she didn’t believe it for herself).
He frequently has to make the choice to keep loving her during their first few years of marriage as she struggles to hope and believe she’s lovable and worthy of his love and a decent life. She does come to love and trust him as much as she could and without reservation, but makes him her god and is dependent on him for her value and security. In order to become the whole and healed woman she had the potential to be so she could fully realize all she could contribute to the world and her marriage, she had to learn to how much she could accomplish with God, and therefore value herself and her own strength and abilities with Him. She worked to free herself from the chains of the past, rid herself of all the shame, anger, bitterness and self-loathing, and was able to gain enough faith in God and herself to love and live fully, freely, completely, and joyfully without the constant debilitating fear of ‘what if?’.
The movie is based on the Biblical Old Testament book of Hosea.
Wow. Let’s just say, many tears were shed by both of us. Throughout the movie I kept praying in a ‘to-the-depths-of-my-soul’ way, that I’m healing enough to experience a genuine and fun love with a truly trustworthy, (imperfectly) great guy, who’ll let me love him as much as he deserves, too.
After the movie was over my friend and I sat in the theater for a bit trying to process some of what it brought up in our own hearts and minds. The film also powerfully reinforced our convictions of doing what we can to help others who are either still being abused and/or trafficked and/or used in child sexually abusive material, or have come out of it but don’t know where to go or what to do, and are still clueless about their true intrinsic value.
We also talked about how many ‘triggers’ a survivor can have, some of which may never be completely eradicated, and others that just pop up out of nowhere when we’re not sure what the provocation was. It’s bizarre because most people would never guess that some seemingly innocuous item, circumstance, sound or even odor could be associated with the initial trauma and now be the cause of a pain &/or terror filled reaction.
Which is what happened the next day. The movie roiled up some more buried feelings that I hadn’t become fully aware of yet, so when I went to a ‘Winterfest’ to meet up with another Soul Sister and her boyfriend (whom I hadn’t had the honor of meeting yet) I was gobsmacked by some pretty intense emotions. Anger (towards self), desolation, and desperation slapped me right upside the psyche. I couldn’t immediately wrangle them under control as the mind (and heart) became the younger teen version of myself, when I realized my own ability to love was non-existent as I kept hurting the person I most wanted to treat as well as he treated me. And that led to the present moment, how I’ve still done the same thing even after all the progress I’ve made on other areas of life, and the frustration of how long it’s taking to ‘fix’ it, and the fear it never will be, or no one will be around when I am healed enough. That led to intense anger towards the people who created the wounds to begin with. And I hesitate to admit this because I love my friend and KNOW she deserves all the love God has for her in all its forms, too, and I always pray it for her, but there was a huge dose of jealousy that I hated seeing in myself.
Because of all the crud coming up I was crying before I found my friend and her man, and with my dog’s limping due to a sensitivity he has to ice and salt on the walkways, I gave up and went home without meeting with them.
(I had so wanted to bump into them – and leave a good impression – that I had even put make-up on!!! :))
Was able to gain some emotional equilibrium and pull myself out of the funk pretty quickly once I got home with the help of a new practice . . .
Have you ever heard about choosing one (positive!) word and meditating on it daily (or frequently, anyway) for a year? This is the first time I’ve done this, and the word that came up for me is ‘VICTORY’.
(You better believe I’m doing all I can to fully claim it!)
I’m using the Bible as a reinforcement by looking up the references to ‘VICTORY’ in it. I’ll choose one verse to write out as it is in the Book, rewrite it to make it personal, then meditate on both for several minutes most days over the course of a week or two. It’s amazing how nuanced and encouraging each reference becomes as time is spent contemplating it. The verse(s) are becoming deeply and firmly established in heart and mind, and it’s getting easier to remember them to counter attack the old negative b.s. when it starts spewing.
Mental VICTORY was mine, indeed, later that day after being emotionally triggered, and will continue to be in ever increasing ways if I keep this up.
And VICTORY is yours, too, if you need it and would like to claim some for yourself. It says so right in the Bible, in the Second book of Samuel, chapter 22, verse 51: “He gives His king great victories and He shows unfailing kindness to His anointed and their descendants forever.”
We are all children of the Most High King (should we choose to accept that) and as such we’re considered royalty in His eyes. Therefore many victories are ours whether we claim them or not (and I’ve missed out on a few because I didn’t – but there are always other opportunities, if not always in the exact same way). And as His children we are anointed by Him, so He (but not always people) shows us perpetual kindness (with a bit of correction at times if we need it!). (Notice, the verse does NOT say, “So we’ll have an easy life and never have to do work with Him to grow up and become all we can.” :))
Today’s song is by Pat Benatar and it’s about choosing to go along with someone into their “Shadows of the Night”. I KNOW God is always with us during those (and the lighter!) periods of life. I’m looking forward to the time (which is coming soon) when I can allow into my realm the mortal man who is willing to walk with me into the shadow times (and share the joys, too!). (I’ll do the same for him, of course! :))
And so many thanks to the Soul Sisters, Sister of Spirit, and other friends who do that now, when I ask them too.
