9/29/22
(To learn about ‘splinters’, ’LP’ and ‘Great Guy’ please use the ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the home page or in the menu.)
Howdy Bodacious You!
(I had to look ‘bodacious’ up, it means “excellent, admirable”. That describes you!)
How is your day going? (Hopefully ‘bodaciously’ :))
Do you ever have times when life isn’t going at all how your CONTROL zone would like it to? And you know you need to unravel your tightly wound sweet self and let go of that illusion of control if you ever want to have a fun life with truly loving and mutually accepting relationships? So you try not to throw (too many) snit fits while learning the lesson of letting people do what’s right for them even if your insecurities are raging like – um – heck? – and you really wanna tell God and the world how life’s supposed to be?
(YOU might not experience this . . . at least, not that you’d admit, anyway ;))
So that’s what these last couple of weeks have been about, and it’s been quite a lesson! I AM determined to become flexible instead of expecting everyone to keep my life comfortable, if for no other reason than to quit having to retake this life course repeatedly until I get it right!
So how is God trying to teach me this time?
I’ve been working with a couple contractors to get estimates for work on the abode. I’ve been meeting them on their time schedule, which doesn’t necessarily coincide with what and how I want, ya know?
When one of the contractors was here I was acting (and looking) like a prune faced witch even though he seemed like a decent enough guy; I couldn’t let my guard down and treat him like he deserved.
(Hmmmm . . . might be why the quote was high? He added a ‘dealing with a witch’ premium?)
Now that I think about it, the other contractor kinda got the same treatment but since he’s a pastor he has to forgive, right?
My dog and I have both needed chiropractic care which has kept me from exercising and us walking in the morning on the days we actually could’ve. The inertia hasn’t helped the ‘tude any, and I miss the people (well, one in particular anyway) that I’d see when at the park.
A good friend has needed emergency care so four out of five days have been about taking her to places as close as a couple of miles down the road to seventy + miles away a couple times.
I’m not complaining and am glad to help and to get some things accomplished. But when that stuff is added to the experience of integrating of my eight year old self/splinter ‘LP’, which is kinda messing with the mind and emotional equilibrium, well, it’s a crap shoot as to how I’m handling any of this at any given moment.
On the first day of my friend’s emergency issue, after dropping her off at her home (after getting lost on the way back), I went into a store to pick something up. Due to the insecurity and ‘free falling’ sensation I can get when out of control of a situation (as if I ever had control to begin with!), in order to keep from dissociating I kept repeating – out loud, with others in the store! – “It’s ok, I’m safe now,” while taking deep breaths to calm the psyche down.
(Good thing my dog couldn’t come – he would’ve heard an earful of non-christian sounding expletives if I could’ve vented to him.) (Not that it would’ve been the first time . . . )
It was kinda funny one day when L.P. and adult self had quite the conversation (and subsequent action) when we were at an orchard. Was originally just going to walk the dog in a rural area so I wasn’t exactly dressed to be seen, but I forgot that part when the whim to go to the orchard hit.
When we got out of the car there was a black truck with dark windows slowly leaving. L.P. was at the forefront of the psyche and I don’t know how long we just stood there staring at the truck because she decided it had to be Great Guy. She’s getting all geeked and wanting to get the driver’s attention while I, uptight Elder Pearl kept arguing with her about safety (thank God, this time I was able to keep this conversation inside my mind!). Told LP we should never try to get the attention of people in vehicles when we can’t see them because you don’t know who they are nor what they’re capable of.
I thought I had LP (somewhat) convinced until my hand went up and waved in a bizarrely hybrid way that was probably 55% “HIIIEEE! It’s me, Pearl! You must want to see me as much as I want to see you!!!”, with the other 45% of the gesture coming across as “Back OFF, Bucky!”
There could have been a clueless family of five in that truck witnessing that lovely scenario for all I know (groan). Oh well, maybe it gave them something to laugh about and bond over on the way home.
I’m helping out at a retreat this weekend and will be giving a talk. Can’t wait to see what L.P.’s going to do there! (choke) Depending on how humbling that turns out to be, you may (or may not!) read about it in the next post or two.
Have also been feeling some of the emotions LP’s been harboring all these years. At odd moments it can be the child like joy of noticing a butterfly, bird, or pretty flower. (Love those!) Or it can be terror, especially when she was so out of control with what was being done to her. There’s intense insecurity, too, that comes from being abandoned so often into the hands of those she knew were going to hurt her so much. And there’s the hope(lessness) that maybe she’d be rescued this time, and then the realization that it wasn’t going to happen now, either. I’m remembering that L.P. also wondered if anyone would ever look at her, and care enough to see her pain. Or a little later in life, if anyone would notice the child was missing from the shell of the body, fantasizing that someone would think she had enough value to try and find her.
She still hopes for that. I’m trying to convince her (me) that I’m here for her now, and perhaps some other people are, too? And it’s not to hurt her more but to finally convince her to receive all the healing, love and fun she’s deserved all along.
There’s also been some amazing revelations that affirm the faith needed to get through the more overwhelming moments; I’ll be writing about those in a week or two.
In the mean time please enjoy this video of Supertramp’s “Lord Is It Mine?”. I loved their album “Breakfast In America” so much I wore it out. This song says so well what I’ve been figuring out how to claim lately – all the love & goodness God has for me (and for you, too, if you need a reminder). I’m gettin’ so close!
Many thanks to BDFilms4U for sharing this video!
