3/30/21
Salutations! (Did you ever read [or watch] Charlotte’s Web? I can’t remember who greeted others like that in the book. Was is the spider, pig, or another character?)
Amazing Person (yes, I mean YOU :)), have you ever done something that in the moment you know there’s a disconnect between what you are telling yourself about why you did it, and what the truth is? I guess it could be called a form of denial, but instead of denying a negative so you don’t have to deal with it you deny a positive or see the worst in your motive because – well, I don’t what your rationale would be. I’m aware of a few reasons for myself, but that’s not the point.
The point is, even after working on healing and building myself up for as long as I have, I can still feel guilty no matter what I do in many situations, and I don’t need to. Any therapist (and friends) I’ve talked to about this said the same thing, “Do not assume you did anything wrong unless the other person tells you you’ve offended or hurt them.” Because of how I was treated by family I’ve believed others see the worst possible intention in what I do no matter how hard I try to do something positive and for the right reasons. I’m getting so much better at accepting that I do, in fact, do most things with nothing but a genuine desire to do what’s right whether others see it that way or not. Since I’m a work in progress though, there are still situations when I feel obligated to explain myself and to repeatedly keep making amends for what I perceived I did wrong even if the other person never says a thing.
An example of this happened recently at the gym I go to. A worker there has always been kind and we’ve established a typical friendly acquaintance. Then a couple times in a row when he greeted me I ‘felt’ like I wasn’t my usual jovial self, and even though he didn’t say anything I kept beating the snot out of myself for it. So, after obsessing about it for a couple of days, when I was in the middle of a workout I finally decided to apologize to him. Being determined to get it done before chickening out, I walked over to him, rudely interrupted a conversation he was having with a co-worker and then told him I was sorry for my perceived transgressions. He replied that he didn’t have a problem, we ‘were good’, so of course I had to apologize a second time, may even had a tear in my eye by the time I was finished and he (kindly) reiterated that there wasn’t a problem. (I’m fairly certain this is funny in a sad and pathetic sort of way . . .:) ) I tried not to cry while finishing the workout and then avoided him when leaving. All the way home and for God knows how long afterward I obsessed about that, figured I overreacted (duh!), berated myself for apologizing, twice no less, then started going to the gym at a different time. But lo and behold, because God has a much better sense of humor than I usually do, a couple of weeks later the guy was working a different shift and our paths crossed. I figured he’d run in the other direction but instead he inquired about how I was doing as if he actually cared. I smiled and said, “Good, thanks for asking’’ and asked how he was. Then I left (quickly) and shed a tear or two because he offered acceptance and mercy and I was ridiculously grateful for it. (This leads into another topic I call “Codependent Gratitude” but that’s a future post.)
A couple of friends do this, too, so I know I’m in good company. One of those friends, B, actually listened and sincerely said she was sorry when we discussed something that bothered me. That was all I wanted and frankly, more than I’ve expected from people in the past. But now B. has reiterated her apology several times and she never needed to, I had completely forgotten about the incident after she atoned the first time. I can only hope she’s forgiven herself and forgotten the past transgressions she’s already apologized for.
I would say shame sucks but it does have a benefit if we allow it to show us something that needs to be addressed and we take care of it, then let the shame and guilt go instead of wallowing there. There’s also the other extreme, where people do horrible things to others then never feel ashamed or guilty enough to change their behavior and/or make amends, but that’s another post, too.
My friend’s apology and that guy at the gym’s response to my own misguided attempt at repairing an imaginary tiff showed me I am worthy of consideration and has helped to heal the wounds inflicted by all the abusers who never thought I was. And just to be clear, it’s not that no one else has ever offered a sincere apology before, other friends and G.G. have, but I wasn’t able to ‘receive them’ at the time like so many other decent gestures people have blessed me with. I sometimes appreciated what was done or said in the moment but then it seemed to fall by the wayside soon afterward because I couldn’t let it in. But I’m just now realizing their thoughtfulnesses never went to waste, each kindness offered chipped away another chunk of the internal walls that kept me from reaching the treasure of my own value. I think that’s my own personal way of responding to something people say sometimes, that no good deed goes unpunished. I beg to differ, because even if someone doesn’t respond to a thoughtful word or gesture the way we think they should in the moment, that doesn’t mean our action was useless. I’d be willing to bet it broke off another piece of their wall of self-worthlessness, too.
For those of us who are having a hard time shaking off shame when we assume others see the worst in something we tried so hard to get right, maybe it’ll help to remember a life lesson I’m in the process of learning. Real love means giving people the benefit of the doubt and not immediately jumping to the worst possible conclusion about what someone did. I’ve often said, just because someone (me, usually :)) can imagine the worst about a person or situation doesn’t make it true. For all of us who rarely give ourselves a break, maybe it’s time we applied these truths to ourselves, too.
Many blessings to those who keep offering kindness and the benefit of the doubt to others even though they don’t always get the appreciation they deserve. No good deed is ever wasted, I promise. Thank you.
Looking forward to meeting you back here on Friday!
This video is “Be Yourself” is by Audiosoave. It’s an awesome song about self acceptance, sung by Chris Cornell who was a beautiful soul with an amazing voice. Rest in Power Chris, we miss you.
"Be Yourself" Someone falls to pieces Sleeping all alone Someone kills the pain Spinning in the silence She finally drifts away Someone gets excited In a chapel yard And catches a bouquet Another lays a dozen White roses on a grave And to be yourself is all that you can do To be yourself is all that you can do Someone finds salvation in everyone Another only pain Someone tries to hide himself Down inside himself he prays Someone swears his true love Until the end of time Another runs away Separate or united? Healthy or insane? And to be yourself is all that you can do To be yourself is all that you can do To be yourself is all that you can do To be yourself is all that you can do Even when you've paid enough Been pulled apart or been held up With every single memory of The good or bad, faces of luck Don't lose any sleep tonight I'm sure everything will end up alright You may win or lose But to be yourself is all that you can do To be yourself is all that you can do To be yourself is all that you can do To be yourself is all that you can do To be yourself is all that you can Be yourself is all that you can Be yourself is all that you can do - Written by Timothy Commerford, Chris Cornell, Tom Morello, Brad Wilt c. Sony Music Chris Cornell explained to Launch Radio Networks, "The 'Be Yourself' part really just came from a lot of things that I've gone through in my life and a lot of different changes and all the different tragedies and all the horrendously stupid mistakes I've made in my personal life."
