Signs, Music & God’s Sense of Humor

9/8/23

Glad you’re here, Mortal Angel!

Do you ever ask for ‘signs’ to help you make decisions? How does that work for you?

I did recently, and was reminded what a sense of humor God has!

I usually ask for three signs ‘cuz I figure one could be coincidence, two wishful thinking, but three would be hard to refute. 

(Not that I don’t, of course – could be one more reason why it takes me a bit (!) longer than one would hope to accomplish most things!)

I love live music yet hadn’t gone to see a show for over a year. None, nary, not once! National, local, nuthin’!

Do you ever do that? Pick your head up one day and realize you’ve been denying yourself of one more thing that you love?

Can you figure out what these three events have in common (probably faster than I did) . . .

One band I like is led by a wife and husband. It’s so cool to watch them because the lady has such confidence and ‘tude, and I love how she plays up to her husband while they kick tushie with their music. 

Also, before their set the wife strutted right over to my pittie and loved on him while telling me about their 3 pitbulls; you can’t go wrong if you tell me you’re a proponent of bully breeds!

They’re more of a biker band though, and this was at a fundraiser for a nonprofit I was helping out at. There was only one couple there from the shelter, and I ended up at a table next to them with a duo who talked a lot about drugs. (Pot mostly, back before it was legal.) The duo and I were getting along well enough until I made the comment I was so ‘square’ that I was getting high just from the smoke in the air. 

Well, let’s just say their tolerant expressions immediately turned glacial! (Gulp!) 

(A quick tip: Sometimes saying less really is smarter:))

I haven’t had the guts to go into a similar situation again to see the band. Maybe if I get a herd of friends to go . . .

I’d seen my guitar teacher’s band several times, but then asked if he’d help out at one of our human trafficking awareness events. 

We played one song with both of us on guitars and another speaker singing since neither of us could away with that! 

Even though he was only there for part of the event, he did hear my talk. It may have helped him better understand why his patience had been sorely tested for as long as we’ve worked together (sorry, dude; hope you have some patience left when you get home to your family!), why I had to play that song, “Kristy Are You Doing OK?” by the Offspring (which he now hates because it took so long for me to learn it! )(Again, sorry bro!). And why I had to play it in front of others (to try to offset the residual terror of ‘performing’ as a child). 

(During the child sex trafficking era one of the things I was forced do was perform sex acts with males, in front of a crowd of leering, jeering, ummmm . . . a**holes.)

Not to brag (ahem) but I don’t know if I even played four notes correctly. Good thing Teacher got ‘em all right; he kept my friend on track. They both did a good job.

(Actually, I don’t really remember their part; I was too busy mentally hyperventilating and screwing up mine.)

And while I was proud that I tried (and will again) (maybe!), one of the hardest things I’ve done in a long while was go back to our guitar lessons due to the (unearned) shame of him knowing too much and witnessing me fail like that. 

So now I feel a bit too awkward to go to his band’s gigs. I figure, I pay him to tolerate me at our lessons (surprisingly enough, he hasn’t fired me) (yet!), but not to see his band. 

What’s really cool though, is his acceptance after what he heard. Our continuing lessons (in spite of what I still feel at times), have been healing some of the damn shame and fears of being rejected when I’m not exactly, to a tee, who someone else wants me to be. 

And the last band is my ‘favorite local band’.  

A while ago I talked with a member to ask if either he or their guitarist would help at a human trafficking awareness event. He said they had a gig that night but during our conversation he asked a question that I completely misunderstood and after hemming and hawing, told him about being trafficked and how music was how I survived and that I wanted the song played to represent how music can be healing. 

There was a loooong and very awkward pause before he rephrased the question and it was so obvious he so had not wanted to hear what he did. 

(Oops. Again, take my word for this, Angel ~ saying less is smarter!) 

I asked another member if he’d help for a different event and I really appreciated he had the guts to tell me ‘no, not interested’. That didn’t lessen my opinion of him, for sure. And I don’t know if it’s shame, or reality, but even though he gave me a reason for not wanting to do it I wondered if he, too, knows too much about me, and if they would rather not face ‘it’ (me, and my past), either. 

(Wouldn’t be the first time someone reacted like that . . . and yeah, that never hurts at all . . .) 

(Heart squeeze.) 

Can you guess what these incidences have in common? I made it easy on ya by already mentioning it a couple of times. 

Yep, shame. (UUUggghhh!)

When I‘ve had this issue in the past friends have told me it shouldn’t matter (even if it is a band member); if it’s a public place I should go and have fun. I want to be that way but I’m so uncomfortable, even if a herd of others are ok with my presence. I hate inflicting myself anyone; and hate it when I realize I have. 

On Sunday I decided to face the shame and had the wherewithal to go see this band. I had stuff to do first and got there for the last three songs. 

All the way there I kept asking God for a sign if it would be all right to show up there, and for future events. I miss watching them play, as well as the other bands, too. 

I doubt they knew I was there but I’d really hate if they noticed and thought, “Crap! I thought we were through with that freak (bitch/whatever)!”

When I arrived they were playing my favorite song, “Radar Love”, and it sounded amazing! I was like “Hallelujah” this is the sign I was looking for! Thank You, God!”. 

The next song was “Don’t Tell Me You Love Me” by Night Ranger, which used to be one of my favorite songs. (Until realizing that yes, I do want someone to tell me they love me provided it’s real love and not a knee jerk, soulless reaction because I did something right by their standards, and who cares if it’s right for me or not. And, if I can reciprocate the love well.) Wasn’t sure if that song was a positive sign, so decided it was neutral.

And then they played my least favorite tune; it’s been a huge trigger in the past.

On the upside, I didn’t have nearly the visceral reaction that I used to, nor did I stop on the way home to buy a bag of potato chips for munch therapy! Hallelujah!

And I did fulfill God’s apparent purpose for me that day by making Him laugh, heartily, at my request for three ‘signs’, and His giving me three completely conflicting responses. 

(Argghh!) 

(I’m trying to learn to laugh at myself as heartily and often as He apparently does!)

I also made a step forward by facing some of the shame, even if it didn’t really suss out if it was that or an intuitive hunch about whether my presence was offensive.

(Now let’s see if I have what it takes to see my teacher’s band . . .)

It’s funny, that night as I was starting to work on this post something hit the screen door. After peeling my self off the ceiling and the echoes of the screech that must’ve emanated from me faded, I saw the cutest thing. The picture above is of the frog leapt at the door attached itself to the glass! 

(Perhaps that was an omen?? :))

I wasn’t planning on using this song initially, but it too appropriate even if it is about too many signs and I was whining about too few.  Here’s Tesla’s cover of Five Man Electrical Band’s “Signs”. Still a great song! 

(I’ve already posted I don’t know how many versions of “Radar Love”. But hey, what’s one more? by Golden Earring and It’s below Tesla’s song.)