11/4/22
Hola Angel –
How’s your day going?
How did you feel when I asked that? 🙂
These last several weeks I’ve experienced all the emotions associated with today’s title (with myriads of other feelings of course, like most people).
I mentioned in previous posts about being part of a Sex Trafficking Awareness Event (STAE) recently; it went well so we’re now planning another one in a few months in a different area. All the people who were involved the first time have agreed to participate and replicate what they did.
Well, almost everyone. Someone wants to do something different and that person would, of course, be me. (Ahem).
I’ve been taking guitar lessons for a while now and there’s a certain song (Kristy Are You doing Okay? by The Offspring) I really wanted to play for the previous conference but a couple weeks before it I realized I wasn’t ready. Tried to get someone else to play it and was told that my first choice, ‘GG’, works on Saturdays, and I knew my guitar teacher, ‘D’, had an early gig that day. Anyone else I contacted already had other plans so I had to scrap the idea.
I really want to do it this next time.
Sort of.
I discussed with ‘D’ that I was planning this event (but not why I do it) and that I wanted to play (now two) songs so we’re working on them. But my psyche has been balking about this so I’ve managed to not actually play during our lessons, just asking him to learn whatever song I come up with and then recording him playing it so I can work with it at home. (Although, the practicing at home hasn’t been going well, either; I actually started blaming my newer, acoustic guitar for sounding so lousy!:))
It took a couple of weeks to suss out the sabotage going on.
It’s not just the issue of playing in front of others that’s got me all atwitter; it’s also because of what I was forced to do as a child (AKA ‘L.P.’, for Little Pearl) with males of the human species in front of a room of other males hootin’, hollerin’, leering and jeering. (Part of the sex trafficking.)
Didn’t fully realize this until on the way home from the last guitar lesson when I re-experienced a muted version of the hell LP felt while she was enduring it.
(Sometimes I don’t now how I (or any child) survive that kind of hell. Survival was all on God, for sure, cuz it sure wasn’t a choice I made. Now I am so glad I didn’t follow through with all the thoughts of suicide throughout the first several decades of life. If you ever consider suicide, please HEAR me – life does get better; hold on and reach out – to God, for sure if you feel comfortable to and haven’t already, and to a mortal; a professional if you can’t figure out who you can tell in your personal realm. It may not be easy but you ARE worthy and capable of the effort it takes to heal. Please, don’t ever give up. If you scroll down a little on the home page of this blog there’s a list of numbers to call or text for various issues – please don’t hesitate to use any one of them! That’s what the caring people at the other end of those numbers are here for.)
Now back to the original thought . . . while feeling that terror a couple of nights ago I couldn’t fathom how I was ever going to be able to play like I wanted, and was choosing to forget the whole idea.
But I can’t forget it. If I don’t do this, then ‘they’ win, and that can’t happen anymore. ‘They’ may have won some battles, but God and I are winning the war. I have an amazing life to live, love to experience, and purpose to fulfill. I can’t keep compromising that because of what herds of sick people did years ago.
On the upside, because of this and other recent incidences, I asked my therapist if this meant ‘LP’ and ‘E.P.’ (E.P. = Elder Pearl, which is me at current age) are becoming more integrated, and my therapist said ‘yes’.
Hallelujah!
Sort of 🙂
‘Cuz this means some of LP’s memories buried in the subconscious are trying to surface, and in spite of knowing that remembering them would facilitate healing of the mind and heart, re-experiencing any of that hell isn’t exactly something I’m geeked to do. But fighting and/or trying to keep the memories buried with food won’t free me from them.
So, if you’re a praying person and/or willing to send positive thoughts my way for enough faith to integrate L.P. and move through any memories surfacing, and to remember that God is greater than any fear, and the past, and to stay focused on that, would you please do that? And if you want to add a prayer for yourself in the comment section at the bottom of the page I’d be honored to pray for you. If you don’t want your prayer request published then mention that in your message and it won’t be. (It wouldn’t be made visible to the public until it gets read by me, and you give me permission to.)
Have been shedding a few tears lately, too.
There was such a depth of (positive) emotion recently when I noticed something in a picture of someone I’ve been ardently praying for.
I met this great guy maybe four or five years ago and have been praying for him ever since, usually for the same things: That if he’s not yet of God (didn’t know for sure if he was) then God would never give up on him; healing in every way he may need it, good health and protection for him, his family, work mates and any pets he may have. That he has trustworthy people surrounding him who remind him what a great guy he is and who he is in God, and that they support him the way he deserves, etc.
There have also been spans of times when the prayers became so intense. I didn’t know why, but I was literally on my knees and/or doing a face plant on the floor praying for him. I’d ask several friends who I thought would understand to pray, too, as well as calling every prayer line I know for him.
When I asked a friend during that first intense time why I felt such a strong pull to pray for this man, she said that maybe I was his intercessor (someone who is called to pray on someone else’s behalf). My heart has been getting increasingly involved and I wasn’t sure that was supposed to happen, if this guy wanted or needed that so I’ve considered quitting several times in order to sever the attachment, but it seemed like God kept asking me to continue.
The other day I checked the website he’s associated with and saw a recent picture of him where there was a cross on something he was wearing, situated directly over his heart.
I cried, and I don’t know why. He could’ve been a Christian all along, and I don’t know that all the praying has had tangible benefits in his life. Yet, it mattered so much to see that cross. So grateful.
Have also been shedding a few tears when I consider where I’m at in life right now. The victories experienced lately, and the impression I’m getting is that all I’ve been working towards as far as healing and being able to receive and do well by the promises God placed in my heart so long ago, is perhaps coming to fruition. There’s so much fear mixed in with all the faith. But this post is long enough, so I’ll be continuing that thought next time. Looking forward to meeting up with you then!
This week’s song, “The Light” by Disturbed is one I’d LOVE to be able to play for the next STAE, but it may a bit too complicated at this point. It’s the epitome of why I love music so much; I consider this song a biography of why I’ve been doing all I have to turn what people meant for evil into good; in order to become a (imperfectly flickering) light to show someone else there’s a path out of their darkness, too. (thank you, DeadMike.com for posting this video!)
Lyrics
Like an unsung melody
The truth is waiting there for you to find it
It’s not a blight, but a remedy
A clear reminder of how it began
Deep inside your memory
Turned away as you struggled to find it
You heard the call as you walked away
A voice of calm from within the silence
And for what seemed an eternity
You’re waiting, hoping it would call out again
You heard the shadow reckoning
Then your fears seemed to keep you blinded
You held your guard as you walked away
When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light
An unforgivable tragedy
The answer isn’t’ where you think you’d find it
Prepare yourself for the reckoning
For when your world seems to crumble again
Don’t be afraid, don’t turn away
You’re the one who can redefine it
Don’t let hope become a memory
Let the shadow permeate your mind and
Reveal the thoughts that were tucked away
So that the door can be opened again
Within your darkest memories
Lies the answer if you dare to find it
Don’t let hope become a memory
When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light
Sickening, weakening
Don’t let another somber pariah consume your soul
You need strengthening, toughening
It takes an inner dark to rekindle the fire burning in you
Ignite the fire within you
When you think all is forsaken
Listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness can show you the light
Don’t ignore, listen to me now (all is not forsaken)
You need never feel broken again
Sometimes darkness
Can show you the light
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Dan Donegan / David Draiman / Kevin Churko / Mike Wengren
The Light lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Warner Chappell Music, Inc
