(Wed., Nov. 4, 2020)
L.P. = Little Pearl, who is me for first 7 years of life. See ‘Cast of Characters’ (can reach from home page menu) or for more detailed explanation refer to post titled ‘Dissociation’ dated 10/14/20.
E.P. = Elder Pearl is me at current age
Every time repressed memories start slithering up from the subconscious, when they are fully realized, and when I write and talk about what happened (and at any moment in between, really) I struggle with my feelings. Emotional and phantom physical pain, shame, guilt, desolation, loneliness, emptiness, depression, anger, grief, self loathing and worthlessness still rise up to slap me upside the psyche. I’m getting better at just accepting them instead of fighting them, and that takes a lot of the edge off. I’m also learning how to combat them in a much gentler way through faith, loving myself, affirmations and remembering some important truths that have been revealed to me thorough out this healing journey.
I have tried many types of therapies. Some of them worked, others not so much. That’s why I would never tell others (including myself) what they SHOULD do. (One of my counselors would frequently say, “Quit shoulding all over yourself”.:))
I’ve participated a few times in a Christian based therapy called Deep Level Healing. It’s offered at various churches around the country, and it’s usually free. I’ve been blessed to have had several amazing revelations, and I know they are true for everybody. In one of them E.P. was watching this scene from above. The vision went back in time and L.P. was lying on the floor, appearing to be dead. She was wearing a pristine white cotton gown that was about nine inches longer than she was. Jesus walked over to her and tenderly picked her up and sat down on the end of the bed and cradled her. He then pulled his arm out from under her knees and proceeded to stroke her forehead up and down between her eyes. As he did this, E.P. could see images being pulled from L.P.’s forehead and into Jesus’ hand. The vision ended. At the time I didn’t understand much but God has been revealing what it means as I am ready to receive it. For example, right away I knew Jesus was pulling the memories of what had just happened to L.P. out of her conscious to help her survive. It didn’t cure all that had happened, I still experienced the effects of the abuses to one degree or another. He did leave one snapshot image in my mind that will be the subject of next week’s post. He’s been releasing the other memories from my subconscious as I am able to (supposedly) deal with them.
It took several years before I realized the vision was telling me Jesus had kept L.P., the trusting, vulnerable part of me whom I blamed, despised, and thought had died long ago, safe until I was ready to lovingly reclaim her. The pure white gown meant that no matter what anyone ever said, did, or convinced me of, I always was, am now, and forever will be the beloved, innocent child and adult He created me to be, whether I accept it or not. I KNOW that’s true for all of us. I’m praying we embrace that truth, hold on to it for dear life, and keep reminding each other of it. I understand it pretty well in my head, and getting it from the mind to my heart is taking a bit longer, but it is happening, thank God.
Friday’s post is about one of my heroes, the late, GREAT, legendary baseball player/catcher, Yogi Berra. I can’t not love the guy! Monday will be the continuation of L.P.’s story.
The song for today is another Pat Benatar song. (It’s time for her to be elected into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame – let’s get this done already!!!) “All Fired Up” is one of those songs I consider to be biographical and a promise rolled into one. Lord knows, I’ve been living like the beginning of the first verse for way to long, and am (finally!) starting to get all fired up about life and LIVING! That’s one of the best aspects of being me – I know people years younger than me who think their lives have peaked. I’m geeked because I know mine is just getting started. It’s about darn time!!!!
All Fired Up Livin’ with my eyes closed Goin’ day to day I never knew the difference I never cared either way Lookin’ for a reason searchin’ for a sign Reachin’ out with both hands I gotta feel a kick inside. All fired up (now I believe there comes a time) All fired up (When everything just falls in line) All fired up (we live and learn from our mistakes) All fired up, fired up, fired up Hey! Ain’t nobody livin’ In a prefect world Everybody’s out there Cryin’ to be heard Now I got a new fire burnin’ in my eyes Lightin’ up the darkness Movin’ like a meteorite All fired up (now I believe there comes a time) All fired up (when everything just falls in line) All fired up (we live and learn from our mistakes) All fired up, fired up, Fired up (the deepest cuts are healed by faith) Now I believe there comes a time When everything just falls in line We live and learn from our mistakes The deepest cuts are healed by faith (4x) Now I believe! All fired up (now I believe there comes a time) All fired up (when everything just falls in line) All fired up (we live an’ learn from our mistakes) All fired up, fired up, Fired up (the deepest cuts are healed by faith) All fired up, now I believe there comes a time When everything just falls in line We live and learn from our mistakes The deepest cuts are healed by faith. c. Pat Benatar, Myron Grombacher, Kerryn Tolhurst
