Triggers and Self Care, Part Two

Tues. 8/10/21 (The quote in the box is from the blog, “Something In Life”.)

(Part one of this ‘lesson arc’ was posted on Tues., 8/3/21)

Great Guy (GG), Elder Pearl (E.P.), and Michael are briefly explained using the “Cast of Characters” tab on the Home Page.

I went to see GG’s band a few days ago.  They were playing an outdoor show and that’s the only way I’ll see a band if I’m alone.  There’s never been a problem before at open air shows so this time was a first. 

Because of writing about and working through the effects of an abusive marriage and connecting with the ‘Michael’ aspect of my psyche, I’m in the process of losing some of the defensive protection he’s provided all these years.  I was feeling rather vulnerable and was shaking in anxiety before getting to the event. 

Had my dog, Cooper, with me and once we sat down, with the music playing, I calmed down a bit.  Hyper-vigilance reclaimed it’s reign, though, when I had to get a bit ‘assertive’ with two ladies about our dogs, then they proceeded to sit down in back of me.  I was so not comfortable with that.  Even though healing, adult me would’ve known there was no threat, the amped-up-PTSD self felt threatened with their presence where I couldn’t see them.  Had a compulsion to keep glancing over my shoulder to make sure they weren’t coming at me, and kept looking at an escape route.

(It only now occurred to me, I could’ve sat somewhere else – Doh!)

Some guy came over to pet Cooper, which usually isn’t a problem, but by now with the PTSD symptoms ramping up it seemed like he came out of nowhere and that felt like an incoming threat.

The band took a break so I walked a bit to try to shake off the heebie-jeebies (it’s a technical term :)) and talked to a random couple to try to gain mental equilibrium.  When a band member came over to talk with them my addled brain perceived him as a ‘looming presence’ so I backed away and sat down. 

And still kept looking over my shoulder. 

Was realizing, though, I couldn’t see as much in the peripheral which means I was getting tunnel vision, and breathing in an increasingly shallow way. I wasn’t recognizing what that meant at the time, that I was reaching the ‘fight or flight’ stage.

The band started playing again and the second or third song in was one of my strongest triggers . . . and that tripped the flight response and I ran/walked away from there.   Never had such a strong reaction to the song before, but like my therapist said at our session a couple of days later; I had realized I had triggered myself with what I’ve been working on and writing about and so didn’t do the work to pacify the increasing ’S’ part of PTSD.  

(Can only hope no one noticed the graceless departure.)  (HA!)  

(Maybe someday I’ll be able to laugh about this???)

The healthy part of me understands this is just the way life is with PTSD and to accept it.  But another part hates this shit, is tired of it. It’s hard not to be ashamed of myself when this (and other) crap happens.  Trust me when I say, I, too, wish the pain-&-fear based reactions were better controlled.  It’s why I’m glad, in an almost masochistic sort of way, to be finally taping into ‘Michael In my mind’.  It hurts so much to face his anger and fear, but I do want to heal.  I’m hoping it’ll help with figuring out how to offset the reactions.

Actually became aware of the thoughts that caused the flight this time.  NOT implying they were rational AT ALL, but considering my history I get why, you know what I mean?  

Some of ‘Michael’s’ defensive, fear based thoughts were:  

1. the band wouldn’t be playing the song it they didn’t agree with the philosophy of it.
2. If GG cared AT ALL for me, even just as an acquaintance, he wouldn’t have played it, he should have protected me from it.  
3. Playing that song was personal.  GG was playing it to finally get rid of me once and for all.  

(Wow.  Compassionately getting a better understanding of how twisted an innocent survivor’s brain can get in response to whatever hell they had to withstand.)  

And just to prove E.P. has, in fact, grown up (in some ways) this is what healing me knows to be true:  

1. First and foremost, I used to like that song.  
2. No, just because a band plays certain songs does not mean the members necessarily ascribe to (what I think is) its philosophy.  It just means they’re playing what they know people want to hear, and they have every right to do that.  They don’t have to interpret and react to a song the way I (or anyone else does), and they can even like it without it signifying deep character flaws!    
3. My triggers are not GG’s (or anybody else’s) responsibility.  Yes, to be honest, there are times I would give just about anything to have someone stand next to me in those moments, stand between me and what has the potential to hurt so damn much.  That doesn’t mean I have a right to impose that desire on anyone who never signed up to be my bodyguard.  
4. I would say my reactions are my responsibility and no one else’s, but that’s kinda laughable considering I can’t (yet?) control them.  And yes, that can make me feel like a weak freaky failure, especially considering all I’ve been doing to heal.  But really, PTSD symptoms are nothing to be ashamed of.  The fact that we survivors have them and won’t let them stop us from growing and choosing to learn to love, nor keep us from reaching out to others in spite of all that happened to create the condition, is a powerful testament to our strength, perseverance, faith, and beautiful hearts.  

This time, after the flight I loved myself enough to heal instead of harm me, and I’ll get to that in the next post on Tuesday.

Let’s keep supporting each other if you, too, are on a healing journey, o.k.?  We’re worthy.

Until Tuesday I hope you have some beautiful and peace filled moments. 

Today’s video is by a hero of mine, Alice Cooper.  What I love so much about this dude is, he was speaking up about so many horrendous things long before it was ‘cool’.  He wrote a song called “Billion Dollar Babies” back in the 1970s about child trafficking and he also wrote this number back then, when misogyny was still acceptable and allowable.  “Only Women Bleed” is about wife abuse.  

(I’m sobbing while writing this part.  I just watched the video, and it definitely has some triggers. That’s causing a relief and release in my mind because I feel like the song is commiserating with the anguish in my heart. In a weird way, that seems to be giving me permission and a safe place to feel and express it instead of minimizing it out of fear of being ridiculed for being weak, like family did in childhood. Didn’t realize I still carried that fear and am now getting that because GG and his band play the song that’s such a trigger to me, I was subconsciously believing they were intentionally minimizing my {and other survivors’} pain, too.)  

The woman in the video is his beloved (never abused!) real life wife, Cheryl.  I love listening to them in interviews when they talk about their faith, love and faithfulness to each other. 

This tune is a healing antithesis to the song (as I perceive it’s message) played last weekend.  

Thank You, God, for Alice Cooper.  He reminds me there are good guys everywhere in this world, and that they can show up looking a bit rough, and that’s o.k. 🙂