Tue. 8/17/21
(After this was posted this morning I listened to a talk that was so insightful to me. I added a link for it towards the end of this writing. I hope that if you chose to listen to it you, too, will get something from it that you needed to hear.)
Hello! Welcome! How are you doing?
What was a special moment for you this past week?
For me, it was another surprise little gift that I’m not sure was for me, specifically, but I claimed it anyway!
I usually walk my dog early in the morning in a real pretty area along a river. There’s not too many other people at that time, so I get to park in ‘my’ parking space, which is at the end of the row, so I can get in and out of my car without someone next to my driver’s side, and that helps the hyper vigilance relax a tad.
And if there is no one near it, then I claim ‘my’ bench when I’m done walking. There I’ll do stretching exercises, finish praying and/or meditate to get the constant distracting chatter in my brain to shut up.
Anyway, at a house that I frequently walk by there’s lavender planted along the border of the property. Lavender is my favorite scent because it can be very calming, so occasionally I’ll stoop down to ‘pet’ a plant so it’ll release it’s lovely odor onto my palm, and I can snort it for a couple of steps until the smell fades.
Several days ago, after walking a couple of miles and climbing steps (I’m up to over 600 stairs now!!) I went to my bench and there were twigs of lavender on the ground around it! They were fresh too, and smelt so good. But since there were going to be couples running by for a charity fundraiser I thought maybe someone had put them there for their beloved, so I left the sprigs where they were.
The next day I went back to the bench when the fishermen cleared out, and the lavender was still there and It was still smelling soooo good. I claimed all of it! Now there’s a vase of it on my kitchen counter and I get to inhale it every time I walk by.
Thank you to the person that put it there. Even if it wasn’t for me specifically, it’s a blessing I’m grateful for. Makes me smile every time I notice it!
As an aside – what’s kinda funny is, when my sister, who was a master gardener, died several years ago I somehow inherited the job of keeping the area around her headstone looking nice. When the grave marker was made, for some reason it was decided that all the sisters would be buried in the same spot so my name is on it, too. (Nothing like facing my own mortality every time I plant flowers and pull weeds at my own {and sisters’} headstone, eh?. Thank God my expiration date wasn’t sandblasted into it, too!:)) I plant flowers there that represent each one of us, and lavender is my plant. It flourishes there, so I planted more of it at my abode, and I’m on the seventh and eighth plants and they’re slowly succumbing to my lack of gardening talent like the others did. Apparently my dead sister’s green thumb still supersedes my lack thereof at her grave site, thank God!
Claiming some of the beauty that’s in the world is one of the ways I’m nurturing myself through tough times. When I’m walking I’m usually so focused on praying, doing affirmations (and, let’s be honest, obsessing and overthinking about pretty much everything!) that I frequently don’t notice what’s going on outside of my own imaginary ‘bubble-encapsulated zone’. I’m just staring off into space, looking like a curmudgeon since I haven’t figured out how to brood and benevolently smile simultaneously yet :). So I’m learning to consistently remind myself to take a deep breath and SEE and/or hear, and be grateful for the beauty around me – whether it’s the plants, sunrise, water, listening to the doves, river flowing, seagulls, etc. That really helps calm my spirit.
Right after being triggered and running away from the concert that I mentioned in part one of this series of posts, instead of driving any distance while being too dissociated to do it safely like I used to do, I drove to ‘my’ park where I could watch and listen to the water and nature while walking the stress energy off.
Some of the other ways I’m doing better at dealing with the effects of CPTSD include learning to say, ’yes’ to the anger, pain, fear, terror and hopelessness that rise up at times instead of stifling them by vegetating and eating to bury them. I’m journaling more to express and diffuse the intense fear and emotions and I’m also exercising healthfully to work off the negative energy, like I did by walking after running away from the concert. Since these are new behaviors they’re not yet a habit and I’ve been eating too much for several days for reasons the journaling hasn’t revealed yet. (The fast I was on has been over for a couple of weeks now.)
Something else I’ve been hearing about for a long time but am just now ‘getting’ is not letting the negative emotions dictate my life.
After not feeling emotions for so many years I’ve somehow come to the mistaken conclusion that they’re my truth and I shouldn’t do anything to alter them. But there’s a difference between allowing them to come up instead of denying them, and wallowing in them to the detriment to moving forward and living an amazing life and love. I can allow myself to feel the negative, and figure out ‘why’ I feel so crappy so I can get to the root of it to PULL IT OUT, but to not grow more deeply rooted by staying focused on it since “what we focus on, expands.” Not sure who said this originally, but I’ve been hearing it in several of the talks I’ve been listening to lately.
I’m learning to acknowledge the negativity and fears, but then ‘look up’ to God, and have ‘unconditional trust’ that He’s dealing with whatever I ask Him to. He’s far more powerful then all the past, pain, abuses, ‘them’, satan, etc., so I can ‘let go and let God’ heal and deal with everything. (And do my share of the work, of course, including being patient (argh – not my strong suit, for sure!:))
I listen to several ministers and speakers that inspire me, help me to see I’m as not alone in my . . . um . . . weirdness (?:)) as I thought. Been listening to the first two talks by Pastor Stephen Furtick’s series called “Triggers” so far, and this second one really hit home for me, more so than usual. It’s about recognizing the negative lies we tell ourselves that keep us from trying for, and reaching, our potential. It’s so insightful! The link is: https://youtu.be/wKu6CX0HYVo
Thank you for walking along this journey, too. May you be the recipient of one (or more) of the times I (or someone else) ’pay it forward’.
I’m not sure why, but the day after running away from that concert I heard this song for the first time (even though it’s an oldie), and I knew it was important and it would be used for one of these three posts. “Victory Day” is by Tom Cochrane. It’s another antidote to the song that was played that night, that’s such a trigger for me. If you need it, I hope this encourages and/or inspires you in some way.
God bless you!
