Tues. 8/3/21 (The quote in the box above is from the blog “Something In Life”.)
If you need an explanation on who Elder Pearl (E.P.), Great Guy (GG) and the ‘Michael’ aspect of my psyche are, please use the ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the home page.
Good day, Good Person! What’s lovely that you can see (or imagine) right now?
Do you ever have reactions to some things that you initially can’t figure out why? Then you do figure it out, celebrate that feat, then realize knowledge didn’t fix it (yet), so get frustrated all over again?
A couple of weeks ago the ‘Michael’ part of my psyche opened up a bit more (finally!) and communicated some of what is causing him to be so defensive and angry.
(Thank You, Michael, for trusting the rest of me enough to speak up.)
It had to do with GG, but I can see where it applies to friends and past potential (probably truly decent) romantic partners throughout my life, too.
Can’t remember what precipitated ‘Michael’s’ revelation, but I journaled this part as it was happening. Another first was that E.P. was able to reach out to him, and he responded immediately. It was like an actual communication between the two factions. (Maybe they’ll merge? HOPEFULLY!)
(And remember, this is from the perspective a hurting, angry child. A lot of positive stuff has occurred but this is a part of my psyche that hasn’t been able to accept it due to rejecting everything good out of distrust and fear.)
E.P.: We have so many fears, don’t we?
Michael began yelling (in my head, not out loud), “What if HE (GG) thinks that because I care about him and am kind he can hurt me, too, and get away with all of it? What if he thinks my love is disposable, just like me, just like the others thought?
What if he’s just like all of them, all he wants is what he wants and to hell with me, my heart, soul, love, spirit?
I loved them, too, and look what happened. I trusted them, too, and look what happened. I was supposed to have been able to trust them, too, and look what happened.
Mother, father, sisters, brothers, other relatives, ‘friends’, ex husband.
LOOK WHAT LOVE AND TRUST DID FOR ME WHEN I NEEDED SOMEBODY THE MOST BACK THEN. I NEEDED THEM AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED, THEY BROKE ME, DAMN IT, THEY BROKE ME.
they made me hurt so much. so many years later i still hurt so much, AND ALL THOSE PEOPLE I TRUSTED?? THEY DON’T CARE, EVEN TO THIS DAY, THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT ME! AND STILL, YOU KEEP PROTECTING THEM BY KEEPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT, JUST LIKE THEY WANTED.
YOU HURT ME, TOO, AND YOU KNOW IT.
AND YOU WANT ME TO TRUST SOMEONE? A MAN, NO LESS? YOU REALLY THINK HE CARES? YEAH, RIGHT, JUST LIKE THEY DID, if he thinks of you at all.
NO ONE’S ANY DIFFERENT. NO ONE CAN CARE ABOUT ME. I’M ALL I HAVE, ALL THE F*ING PARTS THAT WERE LEFT AFTER THEY WERE DONE RIPPING ME APART, IN MY BODY, HEART, MIND. AND YOU WANT ME TO TRUST AGAIN? WHY? ARE YOU STUPID?
(E.P. responded by gently chastising him that no parts of me are stupid. Other things came up that aren’t relevant to this particular post.)
Back to the here and now . . .
Can kinda see why ‘Michael’/me has attachment issues, eh? Understanding more why loving, lasting relationships of any kind haven’t been my strong suit.
What ‘Michael’ finally told me on a conscious level has been rolling around subconsciously for decades, controlling my reactions to others since I couldn’t fully understand why I’ve rejected people (that come close to my heart) and therefore couldn’t work through it. Now more healing can take place.
The ability to have truly loving friendships has happened, thanks to God and some awesome women and therapists over the years. All their accumulated kindnesses are breaking down the defensive walls to those types of relationships. Now all I need is a good man with a strong, healthy ego (to be able to take whatever shit I throw at him until I trust him) and soft heart to love me through it all, just like I’ll do for him.
And I know I’m building a healthy ego because the ‘Michael’ aspect wouldn’t be telling me his secrets if he didn’t trust me to receive it well, without self-abuse and recriminations.
Wow – just remembering, there have been several times when I craved to self-harm over the last several weeks, but refused! YAY me!
Another part of this healing arc happened just a few days ago. I was praying and questioning why I keep believing GG is a possibility for me. I struggle with this, wondering if it’s all a figment of my imagination since that’s how I survived childhood – by pretending someone was there for me, was going to rescue me soon, or at least care enough to HEAR me.
Anyway, I was praying to God about it all. Was it time to quit praying for GG? Even though I truly believe prayer is always a good thing, especially if you genuinely care for the person. But I questioned if that was creating a bond in my heart and mind that wasn’t really accurate. Do you know what I mean?
When I walked away from that prayer session I saw something like a couple seconds of video in my mind’s eye. Not going into details, but it was a pre-or young teen boy, taller and lankier, who was undergoing a helluva traumatic experience. Didn’t initially get why I saw that and believed it was something happening in real time somewhere else, and that boy needed intervention NOW. I couldn’t do anything other than pray in my heart (and maybe out loud, too), “GOD, You’ve GOT to do something, right NOW! Save that boy, intervene, STOP the hell that’s happening to him! And let him know who he is to you, how loved by You, and who You are for him.”
And as I finished thinking that, a quiet impression entered into my heart that said, “That was Great Guy. Just one of the things he survived.”
Wow.
I don’t know if that image was an actual experience for him, but I believe in my heart it was a God moment that confirms that I’m here to be his prayer warrior and will continue to do so. I only want the absolute best for him, and if that includes me in an up close and personal way, then, woo-hoo! And if not, well, I won’t impose myself on him and will continue to pray for him, and keep learning and growing from this experience until it’s time to move on.
That image made me more determined than ever to learn to, at the very least, not take flight if another GG opportunity presented itself, to show I am willing and able to be here for him if he wants me to be. But then . . . well . . . I’ll tell you about that next part of this ‘growth arc’ in the next post on Tuesday. Looking forward to meeting with you then!
I hope you make some wonderful memories for yourself over the next few days – you certainly deserve them.
Today’s video is my favorite A.I.C. song off of my favorite Alice In Chains c.d., “Jar of Flies”. I’ve considered “No Excuses” my biography for close to three decades now. Jerry Cantrell wrote it about his life and ‘brothership’ with Layne Staley.
No Excuses It's alright There comes a time Got no patience to search For peace of mind Layin' low Want to take it slow No more hiding or Disguising truths I've sold Everyday it's something Hits me all so cold Find me sittin' by myself No excuses, then I know It's okay Had a bad day Hands are bruised from Breaking rocks all day Drained and blue I bleed for you You think it's funny, well You're drowning in it too Everyday it's something Hits me all so cold Find me sittin' by myself No excuses, then I know Yeah, it's fine We'll walk down the line Leave our rain, a cold Trade for warm sunshine You my friend I will defend And if we change, well I Love you anyway Everyday it's something Hits me all so cold Find me sittin' by myself No excuses, then I know Source: LyricFind Songwriters: Jerry Cantrell No Excuses lyrics © BMG Rights Management
Very well written. Important for many of us.
Thank you for your feedback. (Especially since it was positive!:))
When someone writes a post he/she keeps the plan of a user in his/her brain, that’s how a user can be aware of it.
Therefore that’s why this paragraph is amazing. Thanks!
Thank you, M, E.. Glad you’re here!