Fri., 7/30/21
Good day, Beautiful you! I hope you see you as the amazing person you ARE!
Do you ever have thoughts and/or feelings you don’t want to acknowledge because you think they’re too uncomfortable, ugly, or you’re ashamed of them?
I really struggled with whether or not to post this because it was written years ago when I was SO angry at God, and am now concerned it’s ‘too honest’. (Really, though, you should read some of the other stuff I’ve written in anger at Him . . . this is actually quite tame in comparison!)
In the interest of telling the truth about this healing journey I’m gonna listen to my blog guru’s advice and go ahead with it. (And yes, I see it can be tidied up a bit, but I’m not gonna! Take that, all you perfectionists :))
I have to add, this is one of the (myriads of) reasons why I LOVE God. I can always be completely honest with Him, be extremely grateful and loving at (ever increasing) times, rage at Him at others, and express everything else in between. I know that God knows what’s in my heart and that He’s the safest place to express all the ‘ugly’. I can’t heal what isn’t acknowledged, and God won’t force himself into any area that I don’t invite Him into.
Also want to add, this, um, poem?, helps me to appreciate how far I’ve come. I now know to ask ‘WHY’ when the amazing and beautiful happens, too. (Why did You make such beautiful sunrises and sunsets and flora and fauna and why didn’t that tornado touch down that went over my house? Why did I walk away from that car accident when I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and my vehicle was totaled?)
Trust? Faith? Love? and HOPE??? why did you do this to me, my god of ‘love’? you give us a measure of trust, faith, love and hope, and some of us, well, some of us, you fuck over with their attempts to believe in, trust in, hope in the goodness of mankind? you tell us to believe, then you send us pain you tell us to trust, then you take us into the rooms of hope - that quickly turn into the sadistic world of abuse and torture and punishment and pain, pain, pain, unending, god i wish i could die - pain. why? why did you do that to me, god? why did you so horrifically abuse my trust and faith and worst of all, hope. hope is nothing but a serrated dagger, waiting for me to trust, then to be thrust through my heart. and you tell us we’re supposed to have hope, and faith, and to believe in grace. you told me to believe, and god, i tried, but then you sent me to them, those I love to see how masochistically they could torment those gifts out of me every time i tried to believe why, god? people try to convince me you’re a good and loving god i try to convince me you’re a good and loving god - but you sent me straight to hell when i was an innocent child so how am i supposed to trust in you, me, and any one now? sometimes, god, i just can’t hate you any more. c. 10/04 Pearl E. M.
Thank You, God, for the healing You’re accomplishing through honesty. Thank You for letting me be so ugly towards You, with You loving (and therefore, healing) me through it. I KNOW You don’t condone the evil. I KNOW this is earth and not Heaven and it’s where Heaven and hell meet. I see You have amazing love and blessings coming into my life and I KNOW you are giving me the courage and faith to quit running away from them in fear, to be reclaiming the HOPE I gave up on so many years ago. Thank You.
