3/15/24
Hello Haloed Mortal ~
Were you ever on the way to a specific destination (whether literally or figuratively speaking) only to be distracted, thrown, or pushed off course? And how did you recover from the detour?
Did you end up exactly where you thought you were going, or perhaps where you never intended yet where you were all along, and you just didn’t know it?
It just goes to show, God does make the crooked paths straight to right where He wants ya!
I’ve written frequently that my most important goal in this healing process from the hell of the first few decades of life was to learn what love really is and how to give and receive it, in all of it’s forms. It took a helluva (Heavenova?) detour to show me . . .
In case you didn’t notice the picture above, I recently had my car (and self!) literally shoved off course by someone who ran a stop sign and t-boned me.
This is the third (and worse) car accident I’ve survived and none of them were just ‘fender benders’.
Have you ever been in an accident? If so, what were your thoughts while it was happening?
It’s kinda funny what they can tell you about yourself.
The first time, I was driving my Chevy S-10 approximately 45 miles per hour on a busy four lane (in each direction) road. The car in front of me, who I was too darn close to, suddenly veered out of the lane and all I saw were the hazard lights of an auto that had been left in the middle of the highway where it broke down. I hit it so hard it pushed both of the vehicles a bit of a distance and into another lane. Thank God, the traffic that was whizzing by avoided us.
The truck was totaled but my passenger and I walked away with minor injuries even though we weren’t wearing seat belts. Thank You God, AGAIN!
But as the crash was occurring, my ‘self annihilating’ thoughts were: “there’s NO WAY we’re surviving this. We’re both going to end up on the hood of this car, too damaged to live or want to live.”
The second time was when I dissociated while driving the next S-10 I bought, and when my brain came back to consciousness I was approaching an intersection where I was supposed to have stopped, and t-boned a very expensive SUV. There were no injuries and the driver who was initially so irate ended up forgiving me before the cop got there.
The ‘victim’ thought that was reverberating in my mind during that incident was: “Oh my God, this guy has every right to beat the crap out of me.”
(So very glad I now know that’s not right; I never deserved to be abused/beat/abased in ANY way, shape or form. And neither do you, by the way, in case you needed the reminder.)
This latest time, while my car was apparently traveling quite a distance through a ditch, up it’s embankment, and not sure if I actually hit the telephone pole I was staring at for what seemed like an eternity, then landing on the lawn of a school where kids were being dropped off for a Saturday activity, the brain seemed to have ‘matured’ (ahem).
Now it was an analytical/self help: “WHY is it, I remember the f*cking details of the car accidents I’ve been in because my brain somehow manages to stay in the present moment during them, but it can dissociate when the Great Guy who touches my heart is standing in front of me, and I apparently walk away and can never remember what happened?”
(Apparently, potential threat to the heart is perceived as more dangerous than a threat to life?)
Gotta love the weirdness of the brain, and the detours it makes at times.
Don’t think I was wearing a seat belt so kinda surprised at the outcome.
My vehicle spun a couple of times on impact, was hit four times (three on the driver’s side), and it had (according to the guy my insurance company insisted I had to get an estimate from for repairs), over $30,000 worth of work needed to fix it.
(Yes, it was considered totaled – well, duh! Triiiied to tell the insurance agent to just look at some pictures and not to waste the company’s money paying someone else to figure that out. :))
God’s fingerprints were all over this though, and not just with that miracle of survival.
He further healed my impression of humans in general when, before I could figure out what to do when my car finally stopped, a lady was at my door trying to get it open to see how I was.
As we were able to force the door open I could see a guy from across the road coming out of his house to help at the scene.
The next time I looked a few cars had pulled off the side of the road and they were all either seeing to us drivers, sweeping the debris off the road, several cars were positioned to block the road to protect all who were cleaning up, and a few people were directing traffic. One truck looked like it was going to try to drive through the debris so a lady just walked over and stood in front of its path until it stopped! (Dunno that I could ever do that!)
And all that was being done before the cops, firetruck and EMTs arrived!
Inner (emotional) healing was detoured deeper when I noticed the expression on the friend I’d called to come get my dog (who survived too, thank You, Lord!). She looked just as shocked as I felt when she saw the mess of my vehicle, and me standing next to it.
I had also called another friend while waiting for her to get there, and her reaction was so full of concern and care, and she prayed for me over the phone until the other friend arrived.
Don’t know how the word got ‘round so fast but several people called the hospital to check on me before any tests were even done, and my pastor came up to sit with me a couple of hours after they were completed.
(This is one of those times I’m so grateful to be ‘substantial’! Kinda wonder if there’d have been more damage to the body if not for that ‘cushion’! I credit that, God and Subaru for only sustaining quite the amazing array of a sprain, strains, bruising inside and out, and ACHES!! {Whine, snivel})
When the nurse told me about the phone calls the hospital received I could only respond, “Wow, people do care!”
A couple différent prayer circles were activated, and I had quite a few texts, phone calls and cards and so many genuine offers to help. There is such humility that comes with realizing ~ maybe I am lovable, as I am, now; I don’t have to become a better person nor do more in order to earn it.
I had a couple dreams that echoed that sentiment a few nights later.
In one of them, I was in a room with the abusive ex husband, the family member that was the ring leader of the second era of hell in childhood, and Great Guy (GG). The way the dream played out, I realized I was still subconsciously distortedly perceiving GG through the filters of what the males in the earlier years of my life did to me. And I was beginning to wonder, as the rest of the scales of the past are falling off the eyes of my heart, I am seeing he did genuinely care about me.
In an abbreviated description of the second dream, I was a teenager and still living in a house with the family of origin. I was getting ready to go to school and when I walked into the living room, Great Guy was laying on the floor. I couldn’t allow myself to believe he could possibly be there for me even though he didn’t know anyone else there.
i had a hard time accepting his presence and the belief that it seemed he was waiting to go to school with me.
I felt I had to make myself more presentable to be seen with him so as to not embarrass him, but I kept thinking that would make us way too late getting to school and couldn’t fathom he’d wait until I thought I was good enough. Was wondering if I could be considered an equal just as I was in that moment, and we’d go to school and learn how to do life better, together, after I left haunted (mental) house of the past behind.
I’ve heard that people in dreams aren’t always literally who they are in real life and I’ve never claimed to know if GG would be around when I’m ready to take that particular step.
GG could’ve been symbolic of the life I’ve been working towards since the beginning of this healing odyssey – the loving acceptance of self and my true worth as a child of God, the ability to receive all the love I’ve craved, and the fulfillment of the gifts and life purposes I’ve believed were mine.
Until about a year ago I kept trying to rush this process because I was afraid all I was working towards would vanish if I didn’t heal fast enough. That’s when I realized, I’m worth waiting for.
Like everybody else who’s on a healing journey, we’re worthy of the time it’s taking to become the right version of self, life, and to make the most of all that God has for us, and for us to do. And in spite of trying to (somewhat!) consistently believe ‘it’s all on the way’, I’ve had a lack of faith what I was already doing had any value, and that I might never actually arrive to the point of self acceptance and love that would allow realization of love of others and life purposes.
The dreams and detours of body, mind, and spirit these last couple of weeks have helped me to finally get, I do have much love in my life, which means I am loving already. And I am good enough and WORTHY of what I’ve been working towards, and accomplishing, now.
Not exactly the destination I had in mind when I climbed into my car before that ‘detour’, which actually just brought me home with a new and improved perspective of the truth of self.
And In spite of the myriads of detours in life, some of which can be quite horrifying and/or violent, God does work all things out for the good of those who love Him (and let Him – my added twist on verse 28 in the Book of Romans, Chapter 8).
Hal-le-lu-jah!!!!
I recently heard a lovely version of today’s song, “To Love Somebody” by the Bee Gees. As I was listening to it I thought, ‘that’s one lucky lady he’s singing to’ and hoped she at least appreciated him. Also felt condemned due to thinking I don’t know what it’s like to love in a ‘romantic’ way.
But God’s conviction rose up and showed me, I do. Without ever knowing if it mattered, for years I’ve been praying daily for GG, at times with much intensity and tears, and even asking others to pray for him without knowing ‘why’.
There’ve been times I know he was reaching out to me, and at others believed I was the last being he’d ever care to acknowledge in a positive way.
Yet no matter how angry, hurt, or at peace I felt, I never stopped praying he was healing in every way he might need, he’s surrounded by people who love and support him the way he deserves, he’s protected from harm, he knows his value to God and if it holds any significance than to me too, and what he’s capable of because of God, amongst other things.
I guess in God’s eyes, that stuff does matter.
Who knew??? 🙂
