Victim vs. Survivor

1/20/24

Salutations Strong Human ~

Have you had a to overcome anything in your life?  If so, how do you think of yourself in relation to that, or maybe in spite of it. victim? Survivor? Thriver? Lover of People and Life and/or Adventurer?

I’ll be honest (as always! :)), I can move in and out of each of those adjectives without even realizing it sometimes.

I’ve come so far on this healing journey from being sex trafficked as a child (and surviving other horrors as written about in early posts). 

I thought I had transitioned out of victim mode but realized that as a survivor there hasn’t been much internal acknowledgment that’s a wonderful place to be, especially considering where I started from. Iam so grateful to be healing but don’t actually reside in the accomplishment.

There are moments when I feel like a thriver yet they don’t last long, and while not comfortable with it yet I am learning how to love people (and myself) like we deserve. With much help from patient good people who allow me the space needed at times, I’m learning what (imperfect) love IS as opposed to knowing only what it’s not, and am figuring out how to give and receive it by watching them. 

(Let me tell ya ~ it can get quite tiring overthinking the snot out of all that! Especially when I’m around good people and trying to keep from reverting to unnecessary but habitual defensiveness or dissociative ways. It’s why solitude is still a frequent option – to make the time to overthink . . . :))

When it comes to adventurer, in years past I’ve taken a Windjammer cruise to the West Indies, have been to Alaska, went on a hot air balloon ride and gone zip lining, among other things, yet I never felt the joy of doing them. Once again, I’m grateful to have had the experiences, but due to being emotionally numb for the first several decades of life I didn’t feel the wonder and excitement of the moment.

As mentioned in recent weeks, I’ve been struggling with anger, grief, doubts, motivation, etc., 

and am now starting to having revelations, Hallelujah!

One morning at approximately 3:00 a.m. (Sometimes being unable to sleep for any length of time does have its advantages. Although, I think I’d rather be able to sleep more at night and be subjected to revelations during the day. Just sayin’, (and suggesting) God! :))

Anyway, the smaller internal ‘exposing of truths’ have been, when I meet people and feel a positive connection to them I frequently want to make them part of a ‘family of choice’. I’ll start calling them ‘sister’ or ‘brother’ and then struggle with the relationship.

If occurred to me the other night (thank You God, by the way) that the feelings I have about the family I was born into (responsible for the trafficking and  most of the other abuses) was subconsciously being projected onto the ‘new’ family of choice. 

Or, as God so succinctly put it in a recent ‘journaling with Jesus’ session: I’m still protecting myself from people by expecting them to be agents of pain instead of purveyors of healing. 

I anticipate being, at the very least, rejected and abandoned by members of the ‘new’ family, too, like the old one, as well as being perceived (disgustedly in most cases) as ‘coming on to’ the males.

(Although, one of the things I’ve been learning lately is that there are some males who will always think women are coming on to them when they really aren’t.)

I’ve tried to send the message ‘I’m not nor ever will be trying to taking advantage of your ‘virtue’, by calling males ‘bro’, or brother’, etc., but that hasn’t worked in some cases. 

And while many women can just laugh at that kind of stuff off, it’s a trigger for me because of all the abuses perpetuated by family.  

So can you see how all (or part) of that can keep me, and perhaps other survivors if they have the similar issues, reacting like self protective victims even in good, ‘family of choice’ relationships?

Okay, now on the next revelation . . .

Another early morning’s eye-opener was about how I still perceive myself as ‘less than’ even while learning, and frequently affirming, I am a beloved child of the most high God, cherished by Him and loved beyond comprehension. 

God’s even given me some beautiful images over the years (and written about previously) showing how He’s never seen me as anyone other than pure, fully redeemed, Holy, and worthy of all the wonderful love and blessings He has for me.

Yet, I still doubt it.

And one reason is the way I think of how a ‘Pearl’ is formed. 

I always describe the creating of them with the analogy of: A Pearl starts out a piece of dirt that gets trapped in a stinky, dark, dank environment. The dirt is a constant irritant to those around it so it’s perpetually slimed upon by its environment. In spite of that, it eventually grows into a gem of great value.

Can you spot the problem?

I was trying to convince myself I was ‘Pearl of great value’ while still believing I was filth from the time of conception. 

I’m so grateful for a couple of people who have said a Pearl begins as a SEED. Maybe it’s time to start recognizing THAT, and to acknowledge Pearls are seeds of great potential that others tried to bury with their slimy abuses, but couldn’t. 

Hmmm . . . I think I like that description better! 🙂

I’ve also been believing that other mortals, especially a ‘Great Guy’, could redeem my value by proving to the world someone decent thought I’m worthy of healthy, love reciprocating relationships. 

In reality, only God determines our worth. Giving that power to anyone else would cause our value to be constantly fluctuating depending on their/our moods and bad days. That’s not right; our true priceless value is not contingent others’ (or even our own) varying perceptions. God’s knowledge of our infinite worth never waivers, and that’s the ultimate, immutable truth.

Is there anything you haven’t yet acknowledged you tell yourself about being survivor that doesn’t do you any favors?

When I first got into counseling I tried art therapy, which I really liked. It was incredibly revealing about what is lurking in the subconscious. 

Back then when I drew myself in a picture, I was always lying down and had no hands or feet. As I’m sure you can understand, I later learned that signifies someone who doesn’t believe they have any power/abilities to help themselves whatsoever.

I don’t think that specific image has ever been updated. 

Even when I do my ‘journaling with Jesus’ I still see myself as laying down next to Him or being held by Him, like a child. 

Not exactly empowering images, eh? Something else that needs updating, too.

What about you? How do you view yourself when your projected self image is peeled away, and independent of any other person/job/purpose, etc.? 

No wonder why this journey to healing can be such a struggle. If I persistently perceive myself as dirt and maintain the outdated belief that I don’t have the power or ability to make changes, nor capable of handling the repercussions that’ll occur (both negative and positive), then of course I’m perpetually exhausted and stalling.

In mythology, was it Sisyphus who was doomed to keep pushing a huge boulder up a hill only to have it roll back down right before he reached the peak, and he’d have to repeatedly start over again into eternity? 

I kinda feel like that’s what’s been happening.

Yet as I (we?) truly and fully accept God’s healing Grace, we can admit the boulder is here and define what it is so we can let the crap others dumped on us roll back down to the pit of hell where it belongs. 

And that could take some time.

But while that’s happening we are increasingly seeing ourselves as He does: Victors who are worthy, and have all we need to thrive, love, and make the most out of our lives, and are now, with Him, freely and easily making the climb up to our full, amazing, God given potential. 

We are accomplishing this, in Jesus name, Amen!

Pat Benatar is vastly underrated as a motivational singer! 🙂 Here’s another of her inspiring songs, “Invincible”. (“And with the power of conviction, there is no sacrifice; it’s a do or die situation, We Will Be Invincible . . .”)