We Love Because He First Loved Us

12/14/24

Good Day Delightful Being ~

If you’re on any kind of healing journey, have you ever had a low point where you didn’t why you’re doing what you’re doing anymore, you’re kinda emotionally exhausted and just wanna sit down, shut up, and quit?

If so, what did you do?

There are a few reasons why I write this blog. 

One is, I hope by honestly writing about healing from child sex trafficking (and all the rest) without the ‘it’s all sunshine and unicorns’ b.s., and with a positive expectation of complete healing, then maybe it will help other survivors of trauma realize they, too, are capable and worthy of doing all they can to heal. And it’s ok that it’s not a perfectly executed, quick, easy (and flimsy) fix.

I rarely, if ever, write: ‘this is what you should do’ because not everyone responds well to that kind of directive (including me!:)). My hope is something I do resonates with another survivor and perhaps inspires them to discover what works best for their situation.

But this week I’m gonna pull a ‘should’ on ya! And not just one, but two, and one strong suggestion! 🙂

Here’s what and why: 

First should is, imagine a positive purpose for your healing. It could be to have better relationships, be a better parent, do better at a job, and/or become an advocate in some way for others with similar backgrounds, etc. That’ll help you push through the toughest times, knowing you have something bigger than you and your past to work towards.

The suggestion is, if you don’t already have one, can you claim a (positive) Higher Power? 

God is the only reason I’m here today. My God and Savior have gotten me through everything – surviving the hells of being sexually abused while still in diapers, trafficked and used in child sexually abusive material with some of the perpetrators being immediate family, out of an abusive marriage, and so many other accidents, near misses, etc. He/She kept me from ending my life quite a few times when I really really didn’t want to go on. (And I’m so glad He did. Suicide is not an issue anymore.)

I know He was never in the evil (even though I have blamed Him for it a few times); He was what sustained me through it.

Through out my life and especially on this healing journey I turn to Him/Her so frequently for understanding, comfort, guidance, hope, etc. I know I wouldn’t be here without Jesus, and I certainly wouldn’t be where I’m at and where I’m going. 

I’m finally understanding because He loved me through the decades when I was incapable of receiving and reciprocating it, I’m learning to love. Because of this my appreciation and love for Him is beyond verbal expression, and wish I could tell the world about His love and what He is willing to do for each of us.

The other ‘should’ is, sometimes when we most feel like giving up, that’s when we most need to hang on. Please, don’t quit, please don’t ever let evil win. Let God be greater, because He is.

My last post mentioned being at that point of wondering why I’m still believing for and working towards all I do, and wondering if it was time to quit. 

But as wisely mentioned by many thriving survivors – it frequently looks bleakest right before a breakthrough. If we can just keep pushing a little longer, or at least, not retract to where we were once comfortable (if miserable), then a  substantial step forward is about to take place.

A couple days after that post I had a FaceTime meeting with my ‘Prayers That Heal the Heart’ (PTHTH) course coach, ‘D’. 

I told him that I was struggling with the anniversary of the event (mentioned in the last blog post), and started crying, He suggested more needed to be healed about it so we did some ‘deep level healing’.

It led me back to being a teenager. A neighbor, ’S’, that was my age (and had his own problems) treated me as well as I deserved and kept trying to reach out to me. But as much as I wanted to respond positively to him I kept rejecting him in a knee-jerk reaction way, due to the abuses I had been enduring. 

He eventually gave up (but continued to treat me with respect) and got more involved in drugs. It’s a long story but let’s just say, it ends with him and a buddy of his murdering a fellow classmate. (Not during school hours.)

In a previous session I’d dealt with the guilt about not being able to be a better friend for him. This time, I went back to when his family’s home was swarmed by police when they arrested him. (I had forgotten this part.)

My family and I were standing in our garage, watching, not knowing what’s gong on. There were derogatory comments made by family of course, even though they’d pretended to be ’S’ family friends.

’S’ family had always treated me better than I thought I deserved, and in this moment my brain could no longer take what was going on (when coupled with the abuses of my own family) so it apparently splintered off again. 

I saw teenage me (Elder Pearl, ‘E.P.’) standing in the garage listening to the others make shitty comments about the people I cared so much about. The angry, pain filled and helpless feelings that were being evoked caused a faction of ‘self’ to collapse while ‘EP’ was barely capable of standing anymore.

The alter self (Little Pearl, ’LP’) that fell to the ground became a small child who looked like she’d died. Jesus walked over to LP,

He sat down beside her and picked her/me up and held her. As He was ministering to LP, several angels appeared around them and formed a protective dome by wrapping their wings around each other and overhead. 

Then the ‘today’ me looked over at EP and watched as she aged into an old woman so quickly, then her face turned into – how to describe it? Have you’ve ever seen a person who’s been in a ‘hospice state’ where their face becomes gaunt with their mouth no longer able to close? E.P.’s visage morphed into that.

Since Jesus is capable of being many places at once, He came over to EP while still tending to LP. He took EP into his arms and propped her/me up while offering comfort and unconditional, gentle love. Then some angels surrounded us, too.

After a few minutes, it was time for E.P. and L.P. to be brought together and then integrated into the ‘executive’ (healed, grown up and capable) me.  

Before we could be integrated, E.P. had to reassure LP she would no longer abuse her whenever she’d try to make her memories known and emotions felt. (I’ve self-harmed in the past). I would do my best to listen/remember, without judgement, when she revealed whatever memories and emotions she’s been the keeper of. (Positive experiences are brought up, too.) 

In the days after this session, the integration is continuing. I’m weepy at times as the previously shut down emotions are being released, and a splinter of another memory has emerged. But the heart and mind are becoming more whole, Hallelujah! 

Just yesterday I was feeling the usually latent terror that stems from the past as well as realizing I’m getting closer to all I’ve been striving for, which I’m hoping are promises God planted into my heart so many years ago to help sustain motivation on this journey. 

I was feeling the vulnerability of, how can I fully believe I AM worthy of it all and be capable of doing right by it without f*cking it up. Lately I’ve been doing a better job of reminding myself I can’t but Jesus can, through me, but I’m still struggling with ‘how’. 

I’ve thought I had it all figured out so many times before. 

An image popped up of Jesus crouching in front of me. He was gently putting His hands on my face to lift it up, then brushing my hair back and wiping away the tears. He was so tenderly loving and encouraging by reminding me that together, we can and will. I don’t need to know ‘how’, just need to keep on this path, and continue to grow faith in Himself, me, and the Great Guy, people and opportunities He’s got for me.

Since then I’ve been still wondering ‘how’. I had to really push myself to go to karate class due to feeling too uncomfortable and vulnerable to want to be around others; I just wanted to stay tucked safely in bed. But because I forced myself to go, a confidence started growing within and for the first time was able to correctly perform a series of moves I’ve been taking too long to learn, and then performed the next series of moves I was taught right then as well!

By the time the class was over I was feeling like the confident woman I’m becoming because I did what I really didn’t want to.  

Was able to do that because I acknowledged to God/Jesus how terrified I really was, and kept trying to surrender in (imperfect) faith to what I thought were His promptings. I let Him be my strength and wisdom when feeling weak and snotty. 

It’s (not really) funny, but I quit writing at this point yesterday and last night had a couple of nightmares, but one had hope. 

In it I was as I am today – age, size, mentality, etc.. 

I was at a college/university and had given a talk previously where I had said something that could offend perpetrators but couldn’t remember what it was, and was trying to believe it wouldn’t be a problem there. 

I had just signed up for a class or two and was getting a tour of the campus by a nice, middle aged woman. We went into a common area and members of the football team were there. I could sense the rage coming off of the male closest to me but hoped I was mistaken since the tour guide didn’t seem to notice anything and continued talking to both of us

She had to leave so I was left with the males. The one became extremely threatening and told me how pissed off he was for what I’d said, told me to change it and tell others I had been wrong. 

I wasn’t cowering but had nothing to say – didn’t want to change the truth for some pathetic bully but also didn’t want to anger him further. So, I stood mute and tried to look calm.

He told me he and his buddies were going to rape me and started unzipping his pants.

I thought: “why would he and the other (pathetic a**holes) go after a woman of my age and stature?” Then remembered what I talk about sometimes pertaining to sex trafficking, abuse and rape. It’s rarely about beauty, and it’s always about threat, domination and wanting to hurt someone in the most heinous, horrific, traumatic way possible. 

I still stood there, not wanting to back down and not knowing what to do.

Just as the a**hole reached me, the woman came back and started talking again as if she never noticed a thing.

The lady and I continued on the tour and I kept thinking, am I really going to be able to continue with the class with this threat looming? 

We walked into another room and there was a guy there, too. I didn’t know if he was one of the a**holes, or would be if given the chance.

He walked over and started talking softly and kindly to me. I was gaining the impression he’s a Great Guy and not like the others; that he really did have decency and a good heart. 

That’s where the dream ended.

And that’s kinda like how my life is. I learned way too much, too early in life and so repetitively that males (and females) of the species can be pure evil with a thin veneer of ‘good-ole-boy’ to fool those they won’t be preying upon. 

I can’t forget that, it’ll always be a part of me. 

I always feel their threats to varying degrees, and know I can be pissing them off even more now with that I’m doing, as well as learning that I AM worthy of all they tried to convince me of that I wasn’t, and making headway towards attaining it. (How dare I? Quiveringly, with God, as He imbues the wisdom and strength to do so.)

Then there’s the people who, on some level, know the evil these losers are capable of but are either too afraid of them or too enamored with their status or veneers to call them on their b.s., so they stand around acting like all is well when everyone knows it isn’t.

And there are also the real heroes of life – men who are imperfect Great Guys who are truly based in integrity, protection and faith, and wonderful women who stand together in united strength born of Love and faith. And we’re all doing what we can to show that some people truly are safe and need not be feared and/or pandered to in order to survive.

Where do you stand? Is it where you want to be? If not, what are you doing to change your stance? If you are (or are working towards) standing (imperfectly) in integrity, love, humility and power, can you celebrate that about you? 

Above us and among us all, here’s God/Jesus, Who is the only true, perfect and complete Good. He is greater than all situations, things and people. No matter what happens in life, no matter what we’ve been through and whoever may be looming over us trying to intimidate, control, silence us, He is greater. He’s getting us through e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g and healing us from all that was not of Him, if we let Him, do our part, and won’t quit. 

Thank you, God †.

Amen.