What Do You Focus On?

6/10/25

Hello Haloed Mortal Being – 

How has the day been going for you? What was something fun you did recently?

These last couple of weeks have led to an ‘I’m so far behind I think I’m first’ mentality :), and there’s been a bit o’ fun laced in there, too. 

My sister, ‘G’, helped celebrate my birthday by going to a reptarium with me. It’s like a zoo for reptiles, some of which we could interact with.

Never knew I could like the crawling critters this much. And what was even better was G is healing from an operation and is still having trouble walking. She ended up sitting on a bench instead of snaking her way through the 30,000 square foot building, and the workers thoughtfully brought some of the animals to her. So I got to hold a turtle and palm sized ‘Oreo’ lizard, and we were each able to get up close and personal with a three foot iguana, 4 foot boa, and essentially ‘wore’ a reticulated python. The worker laid the snake around the back of each person’s neck and it would drape down and gently wrap himself around their limbs. I held it lightly in back of his head and he started slithering up my arm; we were nose to nose for a few moments while it was testing the air with it’s tongue! I loved the whole experience. The reticulated python is the largest breed of snake and can grow up to 32 feet long, weighing 170 pounds. This one was yellow and only about 10 feet long.

What was funny in a sad and pathetic sort of way was, I started the day off in a crappy mood. When I realized that’s how I’ve always felt on my birthday it was time to ask ‘why’.  

When asking God what the problem was a memory immediately popped up from when I was a young adult. 

For each family member’s birthday I’d tried to make them feel special by making a sign/banner and hanging it up with streamers, helium balloons, etc. But one time mom or a (different) sister had to mention kinda snidely: “You know no one’s going to do that for you, don’t you?” 

Yeah, it ticked me off, and hurt. But I still put the extra effort in a few more times until realizing it never put a genuine smile on any recipient’s face.

Now here I was, decades later, still letting that stupid comment cause a pissy ‘tude on my day. Ugh!

But since it was now consciously known God was asked into it, the decades old annual pity party vanished. For the first time I was able to fully focus on the present moment and had a blast the rest of the day with ‘G’. Hallelujah!

Later on God answered a prayer I hadn’t thought to present to Him. It’s amazing how often He does that when it occurs to us to notice. How about you – do you usually recognize when God provides what you didn’t think to ask for?

Per usual, I had chosen a Mexican restaurant for dinner. Early in the day I fleetingly thought about wanting some small fanfare made AND to have fried ice cream :), but didn’t verbalize it. G and I weren’t familiar with the restaurant so when she mentioned the birthday to the server and she didn’t say much I kinda figured they didn’t celebrate them. Then before the bill came 6 or 7 workers gathered at our table, singing Happy Birthday while presenting us with a plate of fried ice cream! Yaaay God! And G for mentioning it!  

These last several weeks have offered a few other healing opportunities, with one of the more impressive ones provided via the ladies I’m working with in the Zoom online writers group. They helped push me through an ongoing issue that has been ‘pending’ for years.

This week’s chapter was written comprehensively about the most degrading type of sexual trafficking/child sexually abusive material I endured, it’s after effects and life long ramifications. It’s something I’ve never written about in an overt way here, just alluded to in a poem that was posted a while ago; not many people who read it catch the oblique reference to it.

And in spite of flapping my jaws and wielding a pen that says what I KNOW to be true – the abasement and guilt of whatever we survive are never ours to begin with, it’s really ALL just lies we’re convinced of by those who refuse to accept the responsibility of their dirty deeds and who TRY to pass their earned shame and sin off onto us.  I’ve also been clear that while much progress is being made in shedding all that b.s., I still hadn’t quite eradicated it all from my heart, mind and body yet. ‘Journaling with Jesus’ has already convinced me our spirits are never diminished in value by any circumstance.

While I’ve learned Jesus/God accepted me completely and for always, I haven’t fully accepted any mortal could for any length of time. I still expect to be rejected once they really got to know me, the secrets, and how my brain was altered in order to survive.

Before and during the Zoom gathering I was so stressed out about revealing this aspect, feeling nauseated and exhausted. When someone was reading my submission the shame was oozing into my heart and mind and I couldn’t look at them, and felt like I was collapsing into my body, trying to hide.

But when it came time to critique it, they talked as if as if they heard, and cared, and didn’t hold any of it against me. They kept affirming writing this memoir is what I need to do because just within this group of 5 or 6 women, they’ve heard of four other women who’ve survived the same thing, yet no one ever hears about it. One of the ladies did graciously something I didn’t know was needed – gave me permission to write what, and how, I need to. It’s becoming evident other potential thrivers need to know they, too, are acceptable and loved. Healing is possible if they admit what happened, let God into it and know they are worthy of working with Him to attain self-worth and a much better life. 

I hadn’t realized I needed someone else’s permission to be honest. But with the disbelief from a few people, and those who’ve tried to convince me I shouldn’t speak/write about it, it meant the world to me. Another heavy burden I didn’t realize I was carrying was lifted right then. 

They also unwittingly helped me recognize there’s still a slimy veneer of shame I’ve been trapped in and distortedly seeing myself through. It formed one more layer of self-protection and rejection that has kept me from being vulnerable and getting close to anyone. 

And as is God’s way, the work I’m doing with the Prayers that Heal The Heart course from CWG Ministries is seamlessly dovetailing into this.

A couple weeks ago my former coach and I, with God, had been healing a horribly degrading memory we’d worked on before. This time we delved into a deeper layer of heart and psychological cleansing. 

The recollection was from the child trafficking era when I’d had to ‘perform’ with a male while others were watching, leering, jeering, etc. After the ‘performance’ I was huddled on the cement basement floor in a corner, away from the ‘stage’, trying to hide from the – um – a**holes. I was emotionally numb and confused about what just happened, while feeling the depths of  terror, abasement and guilt. Jesus had gotten me through it all and was now kneeling in front me, looking at me with such love and empathy. He placed a soft, pristine white, royalty-type robe around my four-year old shoulders, over the sh*t-like shame I felt encapsulated by. Instead of the robe being defiled like I expected, it was cleansing me of the imaginary shame without the robe being tarnished. Then Jesus placed a beautiful bejeweled crown on my head, and slipped a pure gold promise ring on my finger. He helped me up, escorted me up the stairwell and was practically glued to my right side as we were driven ‘home’ and stayed to help me pretend we were the average ‘family next door’ when we sat down to a home-cooked dinner.

While some truths can be painful to acknowledge and not always easy to excavate, face, and ask God into, when we do we can be transformed, usually over time, and set free.

And what I love is we can learn, imperfectly, to keep choosing to notice and receive what He’s doing, freeing us of and promising instead of obsessing over all that leaves us bound and insecure. We can also stop expecting from people what they can’t give and who shouldn’t be held responsible for our self-worth; that can only come from God and ourselves.

As I’ve been writing the memoir, along with the nightmares that have been cropping up there are now also some dreams where I’m actually joyful, and I wake up with a smile instead of the dread I’d always felt before.

Thank You God, and to the mortal, haloed great guy and ladies who patiently help Him deliver His messages and healing. 

And in case you need it, I’m giving you permission to be freed from the lies and pain, praying you figure out you are worthy of doing whatever it takes so you too, can experience genuine joy. In Jesus name, Amen.