Letters of Truth & Letting Go of Control

5/3/22

Hello Wise Being!

How is your day going for you?  

Do you doubt things you’ve done even though you truly believe you did what was right, but because the outcome wasn’t what you expected you won’t let yourself have peace about it?

Seems to be where I’m at lately.  Or maybe having faith and letting go is too foreign a feeling so I keep reverting back to confusion, fear and doubt in order to give myself the illusion that if I can figure everything out then I will have control over life.

As mentioned in the previous couple of posts, I wrote letters to various people.  The recipients were either the cause of some of the pain of childhood, or ‘the next (middle) generation’ – those who I cared about but essentially walked away from because I had to work on and heal from the trauma of the past.  I didn’t want to put them in the middle of the anger I held against some people that they love. 

As usual, the results of sending the letters was so different than expected (and that’s usually a good thing, including now.)  (I think!)

Intentionally put my own contact info in the letters because I wanted to make sure people didn’t ask others and essentially judge and conjecture instead of coming to me for clarification, but everyone contacted ‘A’, instead anyway.   ‘A’ didn’t know what was going on because I didn’t want to put her in the middle, but they know her better since I haven’t been ‘in the loop’ for so long.  She was thrown into the emotional mayhem without warning.

‘A’ could have said ‘no’ and directed everyone to talk with me, which the grown up (or maybe control freak!) version of Pearl initially thought she should have done.  But to be honest, I’m glad she didn’t because they do know her better, trust her, and therefore were able to listen to her more so than they would have me.  She did a graceful job of handling it.  

I was angry at first because that’s so like them – (my generation, anyway) to never consider I’m capable, able and intelligent enough to speak up for myself.  In the end, though, was able to relinquish the control I wanted over all of it, and (oh so uncomfortably) let things play out their own way. 

Honestly, beforehand, I thought I was inconsequential to the others and just figured the letters would be read, essentially ‘poo-pooed’  with what I tried to say and warn about, then discarded and forgotten.

But the ‘middle generation’ must have seriously taken into consideration my concerns, and there was quite a commotion.  (I only heard about most of it second hand since they all went to ‘A’.)

In the end, (or, to this point, anyway) what I thought could be a small miracle occurred when the ring leader (‘rl’) of the second era of hell decided ‘things (secrecy and lies) had gone on long enough’ [well, duh!].  He completely minimized what he said he remembered, and perhaps he really doesn’t have all his memories of what all he actually did. He talked about it with the others a bit and owned up to it to some degree.  (Thank You, God!)

‘Rl’ also wrote me a letter and said, among other things, that he doesn’t remember if/what he did to me and so he couldn’t apologize for what he’s not sure he perpetrated.  He did apologize, however, because he did remember I was in the room sometimes when they were attacking someone else and he figured that could have been traumatizing.  (Yep, it was.) 

So very grateful that ‘A’ told ‘rl’ and the others that she believed I had been abused too, and so that helped the middle generation accept the truth about that (hopefully).  Kept telling myself, though, that as long as they believe that something happened to her, then they know there  could be concern about the youngest generation’s safety and they would consider taking precautions.  Whether they believe stuff happened to me wasn’t really as important.  Don’t  know that they all do since ‘rl’ wouldn’t admit to that, and I’m trying to be ok with that.

One of the things ‘rl’ wrote about in the letter, though, deeply effected me (in a positive way!).  

A member of our generation, ‘M’, died of cancer a few years ago.  ‘M’ and I didn’t really have a close relationship due to the dynamics of our growing up years.  When she had to go for her cancer treatments I volunteered to be one of her regular drivers, hoping we could ‘build bridges’ and form a better bond.  

It didn’t seem to work.  

She could be very prickly when I tried to help her, whether with that or other ways, so when I knew someone else would be taking her to her treatments I would sometimes go to her house and weed her beautiful flower gardens and perform other outside maintenance that she could no longer keep up with.  

I never told anyone what I was doing, but one day one of her neighbors walked by and ‘caught me’.  I asked him not to tell her since it would only piss her off, and I thought he agreed to keep the secret.

But ‘rl’ wrote that the neighbor did eventually tell ‘M’, and perhaps that helped her to see I had no ‘ill intentions’ towards her.  (Never did, really, but she probably couldn’t tell since I was still too self-protective to show the care I had for her well.)  ‘Rl’ mentioned ‘M’ had no anger in her heart towards me (or anyone else) when she died.  

Didn’t realize how much that would matter because I never considered it to be a possibility – the dissension between us had been almost life long.  There were a couple of eras when we got along better, but for one of them I messed up because of being too emotionally screwed up from all that had happened to me to be able to be the type of friend she needed. 

After ‘M’ died someone tried to tell me she’d forgiven me before she passed, but I couldn’t believe and receive it.  I instead chose to hold onto the anger and pain caused by clinging to the old beliefs.  Just now realizing how – um – unnecessary? that was and regret that I couldn’t let it all go sooner.  So grateful to have this second opportunity to finally ‘get it’.  Feeling redeemed and freer.   

I received rl’s letter before Easter, and in reply sent an Easter card.  Part of what I wrote in it was:  “. . . heard the sincerity in your letter, thank you . . . I still stand by what I claim . . . but let’s this year celebrate this HolyDay in a way we’ve perhaps never been able to before . . . “ 

I hadn’t really worked through much of the emotional effects of this endeavor yet.  Writing this is really helping with that.  

Thank you for listening.  

So far, one of the members of the middle generation did reach out to me, and we had an open and honest talk.  There’ll probably be something written about that soon, but for today this is enough.

Thank you for listening.  

So far, one of the members of the middle generation did reach out to me, and we had an open and honest talk.  There’ll probably be something written about that soon, but for today this is enough.

Have to add, so appreciative of the people who have been supportive through all this. It’s still hard to accept that some people really can, and willingly chose, to stand with me through good times and growth.  Praying this is getting deep into my heart and psyche, healing and allowing acceptance that maybe I am worthy of others’ love and support (without having to give all I’ve got in order to ‘earn’ it), and learning how to receive it.  

I am worthy, and so are you.

(And thank You, God, {and me!} for the faith and courage to do all this.)  

Amen!

Been having a hard time coming up with a song, so I think I’ll rerun one I’ve used previously, “Love Alive” by Heart.  Love this song!