9/21/21
(For clarification on who Great Guy is, see ‘Cast of Characters Tab on the Home Page)
Hello, glad you’re here, beautiful (and/or handsome) you! How are you doing? (I care!)
Have you ever asked a question, or were struggling more so than usual with a specific area of your life that you’re particularly sensitive about, then somehow received a much needed moment of Grace that tells you exactly what you needed to hear? (Or, in this case, see?)
Today is Tuesday, the day this is supposed to have been posted by 6:00 a.m.!:) I’ll finish it in a bit, but first, I had a completely dissociative minute or two this a.m.. that I want to write about. It’s so disconcerting, because this time I don’t even know what triggered it.
Being dissociated, in my terms, means the body stays but the brain checks out. The body stays mobile, doesn’t faint or anything, but there’s no conscious memory of what may or may not have occurred. It can initially be caused by trauma, when a person cannot handle what’s happening to them so the mind essentially protectively blocks out the event so the person doesn’t have to deal with what they’re going through in the moment.
The memory of the event can stay stored in the subconscious until the person can deal with it – sometimes in a few minutes, to years, or never. If a person dissociates frequently as a self protective tool due to many incidents of abuse or other types of trauma/stress, then the brain forms a habit of doing that, and as in my case, even decades later it might still happen when I start to feel threatened or overwhelmed with feelings – even positive ones. (Doesn’t happen nearly as often, I’m getting better, thank God)
Like, in the past, there have been times when I was pretty sure Great Guy (GG) was unexpectedly close by. I’d think I see him, tried to look closely to see if it was him coming towards me whether in a car or walking, but sometimes couldn’t actually tell if it was him because my mind would check out. The feelings he can evoke in me can be overwhelming because simultaneously my heart trusts him like it doesn’t usually with any other (adult) male, yet am terrified because of what used to happen when I trusted the males I cared about in my family (and by extension, all the others they let use me) as a child. Those thoughts and emotions can be intimidating for my mind and especially my heart, and so at times I’d dissociate. There’s such a vulnerability here as far as he’s concerned.
If I know I’m going to see or talk to him I could kind of prepare my mind, but if it’s a surprise, well, it’s a crap shoot of whether or not my brain stays in the moment. (There are several previous posts about this, and what was happening as I was becoming more aware of ‘why’ and trying to heal it.) This can happen with others, and different situations, too, for various reasons.
So, this morning I was walking my dog through the park we go to almost every day, when I suddenly realized I had no idea where we were. Kept walking and it took several moments before I could recognize the environment. I don’t think I was ‘out’ for longer than a minute or two (I hope!). I have no idea what caused it, and that’s what really bugs me. I remember visually scanning the park just before it happened and didn’t notice anyone, then nothing. I was still walking when I became aware again, just lost in spite of being in a very familiar area. I don’t remember feeling any type of threat, and was able to finish the walk, talk to another walker, and do stretching exercises before leaving.
It’s so weird. I hope my subconscious will cough up what happened so it can be dealt with.
Now, back to the original post . . .
I honored how far I’ve come on this healing journey, and who I’m becoming, with a re-baptizing ceremony I had a week or so ago. (See the posts “Vowing to Honor Self Worth, with Witnesses, parts 1 & 2 dated 9/5/21 & 9/12/21).
I realize now, though, I’m still having a hard time, like in previous times love and kindness were offered, believing that I am worthy of and receiving into my heart what the others were saying to me afterwards. It seems I’m learning to love myself now, (yaaaay!) but still have a hard time believing anyone else could.
These several weeks, while preparing for and participating in the rebaptism, there have been certain behaviors that were telling me more past emotional wounds were surfacing and asking to be acknowledged. (Thank You, God, no more self-harming to cope with it!) I did resort to burying the impending pain with food in order to concentrate on the positive, been in constant motion and obsessing about other things to avoid letting my brain rest long enough to acknowledge it, and even reached out to someone I perhaps shouldn’t have (Great Guy, of course) who, when I was originally was typing this I wrote he never asked to be a part of this, but now realizing, there may have been times he did ‘leave the light on’ (as in, ‘I’m here for you if you’d just notice. Or is that just wishful thinking?). Either way, sent him a letter asking for something I had inadvertently left in his office when we worked together pre-covid. Of course, I couldn’t leave it at that, so I explained about the feelings and confusion I feel about him, etc..
So not comfortable telling you about this, but it’s the truth, and I vowed to be honest with you from the beginning. (And this does have something to do with where I’m going with this post.)
Actually, I stand by what I did. May or may have not have the right thing, but if the worst thing I’ve ever done was tell someone I care about them and am trying to figure out if it was reciprocated, (ahem – a couple of times – ahem) well, I can live with that.
(One awesome thing about [finally] having an imperfect heart of flesh instead of stone is I do want to use it. Its still a bit scared and can play hide and seek at times, but it’s filling up and ready to give different types of love even if they’re not reciprocated, because a) other people do deserve care &/or love, including GG, whether or not its returned. (I’m a prime example – for so many years various friends-at-the-time did bestow love on me when I couldn’t receive it let alone act like I loved them, too, for long.) And b), there will be someone else if GG isn’t ‘the one’, and all of this will have been in preparation for that man. (And GG’s reward for surviving his life lessons with me will be great in Heaven, and, hopefully, on earth with his right woman, whether it’s me or not.)
This post is long enough and will be continued next week. I hope this is readable and understandable (am still a bit discombobulated (love that word!:)) from the earlier dissociative incident so not sure it’s put together right. I’m eager to meet with you again next week. Until then, let’s claim the beauty within us if you haven’t already – we’re worthy.
I had no idea what today’s song would be so I walked over to a radio and told God whatever song was on I would consider it His idea and use it. (Gulp! Was really taking a chance!) I didn’t recognize the tune, an older Red Rider song.
When I learned the title, “The Untouchable One”, I assumed I knew what the song had to be about and thought God was telling me I wasn’t capable of close relationships. And thank God, I screwed up the courage to look up the lyrics. It was actually kinder than I thought and accurate in moments. Not for the part about ‘she won’t change’ (obviously, that’s not me!) and don’t know that anyone watches me when I walk down the road, but for those who survive the defensive me as we get to know each other, I am a loyal and good friend to them.
