You Are Beautiful Part 2

9/28/21

(For clarification on who Michael and Great Guy (GG) are, please refer to the Cast of Characters’ tab on the home page.)

How are you doing today?  Hope you’re seeing beauty in at least some aspects of you and the world?  Preferably, with yourself and life as a whole package. 

And even if there are a few things we’d like to change, doesn’t mean we can’t claim our beauty now, does it?  To me, the most lovely beings/times aren’t perfect.  (That would be impossible to maintain – I would think – God knows, I wouldn’t know personally if perfection can be attained let alone maintained forever!:)).   Rather, it’s kind of like, what we choose to see or learn of every experience or person.  I like how a friend, who I’ll refer to as ‘Blessing’, perceived what others may have considered the worst moment of their life.  Blessing has struggled with substance abuse, so when she had to stand before a judge to answer for something she had done while ‘under the influence’, one of the orders the judge gave her was going to go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings for a specified amount of times.  Blessing’s perspective on that, NOW, is:  “My Higher Power sent me to the judge, then the judge sent me to A.A., and A.A. gave me my Higher Power.” 

I’ve been blessed by her and so many others who choose that route of turning perceived worst moments into opportunities to learn and grow, and they see a loving Higher Power working for them.   

To me, that’s one way of realizing and claiming the beauty in life. 

That faith and mentality is what I’m working towards in my own mind.  

Kind of did that this past week when a strong storm caused a tree to fall on the electrical line to my abode and the wire (and meter box) were snapped off the side of the house.  The live wire was laying in water right next to the house (thank God it wasn’t arcing!).  And since I had no electricity, the sump pump didn’t work so the basement flooded.  Even though I really wanted to just bury myself under a pile of blankets and suck my thumb, I instead called a couple different places to find out what to do about the wire, then made probably 4-5 trips in two days to Lowe’s.  Several wonderfully patient gentlemen explained what to do about the sump pump, flooding, and how to dry out the basement.

The whole time I was trying to act like a grown up and do what needed to be done, while in my mind I was throwing a major temper tantrum with lots of prayer mixed in.  

I kept thinking, why is it that for so many years after getting into recovery from the abuses, when I was convinced I didn’t need any mortal,  I was repeatedly told I needed to let people into my life.  So why, now when I (thought I) needed someone to help, was no one was around.  

In actuality, I did have a couple of friends who kept in touch to make sure I was ok, that the house didn’t burn down, etc., but they couldn’t come over to help.   And I had several people offer to let me stay with them until the power was restored, but I had to stay home to make sure the wire didn’t start arcing.  And I knew I could probably call several other friends who may have helped if I asked, but in truth, I wanted a particular person to care enough to offer aid.  And to be even more pathetically honest, I was jealous that most of my friends have significant others and/or children to help them, and I was feeling too snotty about the loving, willing support they had to reach out to them.  So, I just kept whining internally about how ‘there’s no one to help’. 

(You’ve probably never done that, right?  (Ahem))

(What’s funny is, during this time I was listening to a Pastor Stephen Furtick talk where he mentioned how people will tell themselves they have no one to help when in reality they do, but it’s not that one specific person they wish it was, so they discount the other offers.  Here all along I thought I was the only one who did that!:)) 

I KNEW I was being unreasonable, but wanted to feel like a pitiful martyr any way.  At some point there came the realization of just how messed up my thinking was, knew it was habitual and goes back several decades, and decided I didn’t want to be that way anymore. (Apparently, being a pitiful martyr isn’t as much fun as it used to be.  See?  I am growing up!)

In order to break out of that thinking trap, I asked God to show me what I could learn from the experience.  (Aside from just getting over myself and asking for help.)

This awesome thought immediately popped into my mind:  By talking with the patient, non-condescending men at Lowe’s, and the decent men who came to repair the wiring, I was learning, on a deeper level, that there are many good men in the world, and I am worthy of their (and all other’s) respect.   (As are you, in case you forgot!)

And that’s how that whole experience, from having the storm damage to my house, to the ugliness of the self pity and jealousy became a (sorta) beautiful (if humbling) learning experience.  

Now, on to what this post is supposed to be about . . .

If you haven’t read last weeks post, now might be a good time to do that.  

G.G. returned the item (via mail, I included a postage paid way for him to send it.) with a very short note saying he found the item, but no mention about the rest of the letter I sent.  On the one hand, he did return the item, with the note, and he didn’t have to, which leaves that pulse of hope.  But I would have liked to know what he feels for sure, even if he’d rather I’d just f*ck off.  Lord knows, that would’ve been a good time to communicate that.  He wouldn’t have had to look at or speak to me to say it.  Who knows, maybe he thinks I can’t handle an outright rejection.  (Trust me, I’ve handled everything else in life.  Wouldn’t get suicidal or homicidal over that, either.  It would hurt like hell, of course, but at least I’d have a definitive answer.)  

Per usual to these ‘pre-revelation’ times,  I started to doubt and question everything I do, including sending the letter.  I doubt what my motivation is for even the simplest things, with the part of my brain that is still stuck in the past constantly accusing me, telling me I should feel guilty, shameful (and ugly) about everything I am, and doing. 

I was getting to the point of being too psychologically paralyzed from fear of doing the wrong thing and was sleeping far less than usual due to alternatively condemning myself and then trying to break the thought cycle with prayer, praise and affirmations.  

What really helped was when while mentally beating the snot out of myself for sending that letter to GG,  in exasperation I just finally said, out loud, “You know what, Pearl?  I stand behind what I did.”  And immediately, there was a lightening of spirit, and the condemnation stopped.  For awhile, anyway.  So now I’m learning to just own what I did, and even if it wasn’t the right thing to do, I’ll know for the next time.  (Provided I actually remember when the next time arises!)

Then when the brain calmed down enough about that, I started to hear what apparently has been repeating in the subconscious all along, which is very negative, harpy thoughts about the people I care about.  It was helping me to understand why I sabotage friendships and potential romantic opportunities if that’s the type of crud my subconscious (Michael?) is perpetually circulating.   

I’ve also been feeling so very ugly, and believing nothing I could ever do would ever change that fact.  

A few days ago I dressed better than usual and ‘slopped the glop on’ (put on make-up) to do volunteer work answering phones for a local nonprofit that was having a fund raiser.  

(Had a blast!  There weren’t many calls and so the other volunteer and I yakked and laughed most of our time away.  Then about two hours into our shift, we realized I knew her parents.  It was hilarious – I think we both had the same ‘oh crap’ expression on our faces, trying to remember if either one of us said or did anything we wouldn’t want her folks to know. (Don’t worry, J., your secrets are safe with me.  For now, anyway.   I may need potato chip money in the future, so extortion could be possible then!  🙂 )

Later that evening, when walking my dog while still in ‘better dressed mode’, I’m pretty sure I was offered the opportunity to do something I’ve never done before but was sorely tempted to this time – have a one-night stand. The dude was looking at me with ‘intent’ while saying kind things and then suggestively asking if I came to the boardwalk alone.  He seemed like a good enough guy – kind, articulate, good sense of humor, clean; don’t think he was a rapist or ax murderer, anyway.  

And if you know anything at all about me, you’ve figured out I walked (or practically ran) away, probably faster than usual because I was tempted.   Later on wondered why I kept thinking so much about it, kinda wishing I had taken the chance, and trying to be glad I hadn’t.  

Ok, that’s enough for this week.  I’ll finish this next Tuesday or Wednesday.  

Today’s song is another of Tom Cochrane’s.  “You Can’t Turn Back” is about making the right decisions for yourself and not allowing others (and self) make you doubt or back down from your own truth.

Looking forward to meeting with you again next week with the third and final part to this series of posts.