You Are Beautiful, Part 3

10/4/21

(For an explanation of who Great Guy (GG) is, please use the “Cast of Characters” tab on the home page.)

(You may want to read the most pertinent posts about my (ex)marriage, dated 7/13, 7/20, & 7/27/21 to better understand what’s coming up.)

Hello!  And how are you doing today?  I hope you’re seeing the beauty you have.

Continuing from last week’s post . . . 

After all that, one of the emotional memories that had been trying to surface emerged.  (Crying as typing this, of course.)  

On a deeper level than ever before, I began feeling the exhausting terror of living with the ex, and the perpetual denial of self and what I so desired of that relationship – acceptance, love of any kind & in any amount, emotional security, safety, and protection, among other things.  And perhaps for the first time on such an elemental level, how ugly and unloveable I felt because of how he treated me, things he’d say.  It was all such a negative affirmation of what I already believed from being sex trafficked and all that by family in childhood.  (Earlier posts explain more about this.)   

Other people would tell me I looked nice (I never believed them, it was uncomfortable to hear) but he never would.  And according to a couple of recent comments made by a relative, I’ve always been ugly and looking worse as time goes by.  

(No wonder why I’ve been looking into the costs of cosmetic surgery for if/when I can afford to do that, eh?)  

So the other night, when that guy on the boardwalk looked at me with what appeared to be admiration and attraction, and the way the conversation was going (“did you come here alone?”)  I realized what one of the things that made it tempting to go with him was.  I thought maybe if it’s only one night, or better yet, just a couple of hours, he wouldn’t have time to see ‘the ugly’ and afterward he might still see me as admirable.  

I have, in the past, talked to a friend or two and my therapist about ‘one night stands’. I wondered if it would be a good idea for a person who has issues allowing people they genuinely care about to get close, because of abuse they’ve endured.  Could ‘one nighters’ be a way to have a positive intimate experience that could possibly help that survivor get over the fear of having a genuinely loving relationship?  It’s no surprise I suppose, no one thought that was a good idea.  

(Yeah, I didn’t either – ahem.:))  

Apparently, one night stands are not usually a ‘truly caring about the woman’ experience.  Well, duh! Wonder why I had delusions to the contrary.  Glad I didn’t have to find out for myself.  

(Or so I keep telling me! :))

After the emotional memory emerged and I worked through some of it, there came the realization that reaching out for GG was my way of trying to find a man who could see the real, ‘good enough me’ underneath the defensiveness.  

I also hoped for his protection from the fear of the ex that was surfacing in my psyche on a deeper level.  When GG and I had worked together there were several times when I was feeling threatened by a person or situation, and without conscious thought would move so GG was either standing between me and what I was feeling intimidated by, or put him at my back, believing he would defend it if necessary.  Even when I was pushing him away without intending to, I did instinctively trust him (which is what terrified me . . . argh!).

Now back to the theme of this post, which is about how other’s actions and words convinced me how unforgivably ugly I am.  (Remember that? I think I forgot, too!)

To combat those feelings of worthlessness and being repulsive to others, I do copious amounts of affirmations.  I’ve made some progress, but with the buried feelings from marriage pushing up, that progress seemed to regress.

(BTW, feelings are not always facts.)  

I’d been asking God, repeatedly, for some indication that there was something right enough about me to counteract those lifelong, self-sabotaging beliefs.  

It’s a long convoluted story about how this next part happened, which tells me God’s hand was in this because there’s NO way it would’ve occurred without His promptings.  I’ll attempt to simplify it.

After a usual evening dog walking excursion at the boardwalk, the drive home was derailed by a road block (or God, perhaps).  After turning the vehicle around I spontaneously called and asked my sister if she wanted to go for a quick ride to see the beautiful moon that she couldn’t see from her house. 

I was determined to just drive her to where she could admire it, then quickly take her back to her home.  Also firmly asserted that since my dog had just been walked he wouldn’t need to again, and I would just show sis the moon and move on.  

So of course, we drove to the boardwalk, parked in the same area I had left just a half hour before, and let my dog convince me he had to go for another stroll.  We passed the statue we walked by twice earlier,  and this time I saw something very small and shiny on it glinting in the moon’s light.  Tried to ignore it but decided I had to see what it was.

It was a sticker that read, “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL”.

I shed a few tears while thanking God and tried to tuck that message into my heart.  Not so sure it was ready to receive it, though, so I’m storing it in the forefront of my mind until it’s been integrated.  It’s getting here, seeping in around the edges, heading towards the core.  My heart smiles a little more each time I think about it.  

This is one more time God showed me He does care. So glad I actually listened instead of dismissing His gentle nudge that encouraged doing something spontaneous.  

Praying to never forget this, especially during the moments when it’s hard to remember anything that’s of light.  

Sometimes, when we’re focused on and groping around the darkness of our doubts, we miss the glints that can lead us to radiance filled moments and paths.  Grateful to be doing better at heeding those nudges, and receiving the blessings they end up guiding me to. 

And I pray that when you need it the most, you see/hear a truth that affirms something positive about yourself.  If you need it, you can claim this one, too.  Because no matter what you think you look like, (on the exterior or in the interior) – God (and I, and many others, too)  know the absolute truth about you:  “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL”.  

Looking forward to meeting with you again next Tuesday.  The post will (probably) be a (sort of) continuation of this one called “You Matter!”

Another God moment occurred when I didn’t have an idea for a song.  While editing this post the thought came to google “positive rock songs about light in the dark”.  The first one that came up, “The Light”,  was perfect.  (And, of course, I cried!)  I’ve liked a couple of songs by the band “Disturbed” but never knew they believed in God and considered themselves a spiritual (not religious) based band.  Love that!