Moments of Clarity And Justification of Hope {and Faith!}

(Photo by Ron Smith on Unsplash)

Welcome Wonderful Human!

How is your day going?  

Question of the week is:  Do you have moments, days, or perhaps even a lifetime of peace?  

I recently had an amazing experience when for several minutes my mind was completely at ease!!!!!  Had no idea there was such a difference between a brain on Complex Post Traumatic Stress (CPTSD) with a bit o’ Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) thrown in for good measure,  and the ‘normal’ brain.  

It’s funny, I occasionally tell others “my brain doesn’t work like most people’s” when I’m trying to get them to understand, in a general way, why I have to ask a lot of questions for clarity, etc., but never realized how true that statement was until that moment!   

The ‘hope’ factor was boosted significantly with that brief foray into the world of a ‘freed mind’.  

Not that long ago I looked up the symptoms of DID.  Don’t get me wrong, always knew I was ‘different’ but didn’t really know all the reasons why.  Was already well aware of how PTSD effected me, and don’t remember if I ever delved into the other symptoms of DID besides knowing about the ‘dissociative i.d.s’ (or as I usually refer to them, ‘splinters’) and the plain ole’ dissociative moments.

Also knew DID made healing from the PTSD more complicated because the mind can just  ‘check out’ (dissociate) when the pain, fear, emerging memories, etc., start to get overwhelming instead of being able to stay in the moment in order to work through it.  Even positive emotions and experiences like love and attraction can trigger it, too.  

But what I hadn’t realized was, it also effects the ability to sleep (as does PTSD, which helps explain why I’ve averaged about four hours of sleep per night for years) and that a person perpetually talks to their self inside of their own head.  That was the shocker because I always thought everyone had that constant barrage of comments and conversation to no one in particular going on inside of their own psyche.  That’s one of the reasons why sleep is so elusive – it’s hard to nod off with all that yammering going on inside.  DID also interfered with the ability to focus and to remember; it’s hard to maintain a ‘linear’ thought for any length time when there’s so much going on inside of the brain to distract from it.

Sometimes wonder if that’s another reason why I obsess so much.  Obsessing keeps me focused on one concept (even if it is too much/often) instead of trying to sort through the myriads of confusing thoughts and feelings popping up from the different ‘splinters’.

(Just had another ‘tee-hee’ moment – I wonder if the reason why I love the guitar intro to a Sponge song I posted a couple of weeks ago called “Wax Ecstatic” so much is because it reminds me of my brain when there’re several splinters yakking away in here?  The speed and conciseness of how the chords veer off into different directions kinda resembles what goes on in my mind, only it’s words and seemingly equally pertinent but differing ideas and opinions about the same subject shooting off.) 

I’ve gotten much better at managing the symptoms over the years (over all)  but I’ve never been free from them.

So anyway, a few months ago a friend of mine gave me a book by Mike Hutchings titled “Supernatural Freedom from the Captivity of Trauma”. 

It gave me added hope because while its main focus is using Holy Spirit led prayer to heal PTSD it also included DID, which I’ve never seen mentioned before, period, let alone as co-occurring with PTSD.   I started praying the prayers in the book over myself a few weeks ago.  (And others I care about – I wonder if it still helps if the person doesn’t know someone is praying for them like that?  GC – have you noticed any healing?  GV? BB, EF, TC, TS, KM, CF, etc.,?)  (And yes, I usually pray for you all, and others, anyway, but in a different way.)

Felt so sure this type of prayer could help I contacted Mr. Hutchings asking if he could recommend anyone who offered it, and he sent a link to Power House One Ministries.  I was able to be a part of a group healing Zoom appointment (no fees).  Really felt a sincere desire to help, and much faith, coming from the person leading the session.  I decided to set up an individual Zoom appointment with one of their prayer warriors. 

I could sense the care and faith of my Warrior while talking and praying with her, and as with most therapy there was not an immediate grand reaction to what we were doing.  But after several days my psyche suddenly seemed different.  Took a few seconds to realize that for the first time ever, my mind wasn’t obsessing, wasn’t trying to escape itself, wasn’t throwing doubt around, and there was no angst and dread.  It was focused and clear thinking with a pure and positive ‘tude!  AAAND . . .  it had only one voice – a confident, whole me rolling around up there!

I realized how different the brain was as healed and whole, and thanked God for the clarity.  

And then after a few minutes, it faded.  I could get ticked about that, but I remember something Bishop T.D. Jakes wrote about in one of his books.  He taught that sometimes God’ll give us brief glimpses into what he has in store for us in order to prepare and encourage us.  I’ve had that in several different areas – glimpses of being freely able to receive and give love and friendship, seeing success at what I’m working towards with this blog and other related ventures, etc..  

And to be honest, I can see why God gives glimpses instead of just dropping some major healing or blessing into some of our lives all at once – He knows we might not be able to handle it if we’re not prepared.  

One thing I struggle with at times is wondering if, even if I do know how to do ‘it’ right (whatever I’m thinking/obsessing about at the time), would I be able to not let the old pain based reactions chase the blessing/love/purpose away?  (Like the angry, self protective ‘Michael’ splinter sabotaging what’s right and positive out of fear of being hurt again, etc.).  

There have been times over the last several years where I’ve had the confidence to reach out to another, or for an opportunity, believing I was ready but there was also a sense of heaviness hovering overhead.  It would slowly descend upon the faith and hope until I’d let its fear smother the confidence, and I’d (as a ‘splinter usually’) make a mess out of the originally pure intent.  But this recent episode didn’t have that dark weight hanging over it. HAL-LE-LUJAH!

WOO-HOO! AND PRAISE GOD here IS reason for my hope, faith, prayer and emotional work all these years!  AMEN! (Kinda wanna cry in gratitude and relief!)  

Made another appointment with my Warrior, praying for further, permanent healing.  (Would you pray for me, too?  And if you ever want prayer for your concerns, please let me know in the comment section, ok?)

Here’s to a great week, Wonder-full You!

Immediately thought of the song “I Can See Clearly Now” performed by Jimmy Cliff (originally written and performed by Johnny Nash) for today’s topic.  It’s perfect!  And did you know it’s about overcoming adversity?  (Utube Video from Mrmiss40)