Predatory Groomers

4/28/23

Hello Amazing Person,

How are you doing this week?  Any moments that made you smile? 

For me, those both go together. 

Among other things going on these past several days, I was able to give a talk for Women At Risk International (WAR), at a Citizens Training event they held a couple hundred miles away. In spite of mentally hyperventilating about about it beforehand, I was glad to be able to drive out there to do the event, stay the night then drive back today. 

Before giving the talk I realized the pain (and other symptoms) that had been building throughout the day were due to passing a kidney stone. (OW!)  Don’t know if you’ve ever had that experience (hope not!) and if not let me tell you; it can get quite intense with acute pain. 

After the training event one of the awesome Warrior workers went with me to find a store that was still open to get something to help the process, then drove ahead of me to lead me back to the hotel because I knew I wouldn’t be able find it otherwise. 

The stone passed early in the morning so when it came time to leave I was feeling much better, the pain almost gone, bleeding stopped, but quite wiped out.

While driving back the pain began building again but it was different, so I decided to have it checked out. I now have a UTI. (Ow!, but not as bad as last night, thank God!) I think this is the first time I’ve ever had one of those, 

The parts of these last couple of days that make me smile come from the women who went so far above and beyond to help me at WAR, and the friends who I texted late at night to pray (and to get sympathy from:)) were so responsive and caring. I love to be learning how good most people really are; true friends really do make al the difference, don’t they?

So anyway, I still haven’t had much sleep and that post I was hoping to finish, well, it’s gonna stay as is so I can crawl into bed ridiculously early. It’ll probably be used next week.

In the mean time, I was going to refer to this older post with its explanation of what ‘predatory grooming’ is, so I’ll re-run it. 

And BTW, thank you to my favorite local band that has some of it’s best songs on their website. That’s what I’ll listen to in the wee hours of the morning when trying to fall sleep (or pass a kidney stone) (that’s supposed to be a compliment :)), or while trying to stay awake when driving.

Now here’s the Predatory Groomer’s post . . . 

Child predators are rarely recognized for what they are.  They have an act they perfect that make them appear as benevolent citizens of society. They earn their potential victim’s trust (and usually the victim’s family) with calculated kindness before they make discretely insidious malevolent moves.  This is called ‘grooming’ .  They build trust so when they strike even the victim doubts what is really happening because they’re so convinced the abuser is ‘such a swell person’.  And since the groomer gained the family’s and/or society’s trust, if the victim speaks up it becomes a public debate as to who’s telling the truth.  And groomers know their victims will most likely be too ashamed of what happened, too weakened in their sense of self to pursue justice if they’ll also have to take on their family’s doubt and/or society’s wrath.  

Several years ago I had the distinct displeasure of having to deal with a predatory groomer (we’ll refer to him as B.S.) at a church I loved.  He wasn’t trying to sexually abuse me, he was trying to discredit me.  He won the battle, but because I am strengthened by a God who always knows the truth, and I know in my heart what the truth is, B.S. did not defeat me. 

I’ve always had faith in God to one degree or another but haven’t always gone to church  consistently.  A few years ago I found a spiritual home I liked well enough to attend most weekends and wanted to get more involved. I also knew I would one day reach out to fellow survivors of child sexually abusive material and other abuses, but  wasn’t sure how that was going to happen.  There was a woman on the pastoral team (I’ll call her P.A.) who seemed like she’d be a good person to talk to for direction so an appointment was made. 

The first time we talked about various topics, including what I had survived and how I hoped to redeem it by reaching out to others survivors.  She seemed kind and accepting, told me how I could help her with something she was working on, then she prayed over me.  A second appointment was made and when we met that time she was different.  P.A. acted like she didn’t trust me, was evasive about answering questions and didn’t mention my helping her with anything. She said she was very busy and probably wouldn’t have time to meet anytime soon. I felt uneasy but couldn’t figure out what went wrong so just decided to accept what she said at face value. 

Then the same thing happened with a second pastor P.A. was close to, as well asa the people that surrounded them.  Initially there wasn’t a problem, but soon they were all acting like I was a pariah and wouldn’t answer my questions as to ‘why?’.  

The other minsters of that church treated me well and I was making some good friends there.

In an effort to try to find out what I figured I must be doing wrong I started seeing a therapist associated with the church, hoping she would have some insight as to what was going on. 

Once again, at first she was kind but after several sessions started acting paranoid.  If I sneezed or when it was time to leave as I would rise out of the chair she would leap out of hers and place it between us, acting like her life was in danger.  I’ve never attacked anyone and any other therapist I’ve worked with would attest to my nonviolent nature.  And even though God and I both knew I was innocent of whatever their accusations were, I finally got so uncomfortable with that situation that I found another place to worship. 

Several years passed when the news broke that one of the leaders of the church who was also head of the counseling center, a.k.a. ‘B.S.’, was arrested for watching and creating child sexually abusive material.  

The therapists I’ve discussed this with since then have always said the same thing – when P.A. told B.S. my history and how I’d hoped to redeem it,  he felt threatened so he went about discrediting me, convincing those he could influence that I was a threat to them.  

He succeeded.  And to this day if I see any of the people B.S. turned against me they still treat me like dirt. How many other people did this ‘swell’ man of God insidiously and maliciously abuse and/or malign without anyone suspecting what he was doing?  

B.S. was so respected that whenever there was an article in the paper about his trial there would also be quotes from people from his church.  They would say what a good man of God he was, he just made some poor choices and that he should be forgiven and prayed for.  

But no one ever mentioned praying for his victims.  

B.S. was a therapist of high standing and great respect. He should’ve had a clue what he was doing and how it would effect his victims.  If he had any sense of decency don’t you think he would have realized he had a problem and gotten the help he deserved instead of continuing to prey upon young girls?

B.S  is a prime example of a ‘predatory groomer’. 

Thank you to all the good and true ministers ~ in spite of there being far more of your ilk, you rarely get the press that the your antitheses do.  I hope you know you are appreciated anyway!

This  type of poem is called a ‘Cinquain’ and  I don’t remember when it was written.  As it pertains to what I wrote about above, there will always be people who try to stop us from  speaking our truths and obtaining our dreams.  So what? Even if they win the battle, they’ll only win the war if WE give up.  

Dream
Realistic illusion
if you follow
belief in your heart.
Freedom. 
c. Pearl E. M.