Grace

2/23/23

I was driving through my favorite park on a recent Monday, taking a friend to a doctor’s appointment.  

We were talking and I wasn’t really paying attention to much bedsides her and the road when out of the corner of my eye glimpsed a person who could’ve been someone who’s taken up residence in my heart, walking and carrying a large case.  Had a brief impression they were carefree in the moment. Not sure that was wholly accurate, but the heart thought that came with that notion was, “I pray they truly are, and always will be, even if I never have anything to do with it.”   

The thought was so peaceful, pure, true, and . . . revelatory.

By now, most of you probably know I’ve been on a healing-of-the-heart journey for, well, ever. (Or so it seems :))

I’ve gone from hating everyone ‘cept God, to hating everyone including God but never letting Him go and keeping Him in it; to trying to trust the wrong people while pushing away the right ones; to still being angry with and rejecting all of humankind but trying not to act like it; to deciding I want people in my life but only for what I wanted from them – the love and care that it didn’t occur to me that I could give, too; to realizing I couldn’t hold others responsible and paying for the sins of those who came before them by expecting them to do for me what the others should’ve but didn’t; to learning to forgive those who caused the issues to begin with in order to not bring that baggage into current relationships; to asking God to teach me how to receive and give love like all beings deserve. Period. (Finally!!)

I quickly forgot about the heart thought that had popped up while continuing on with life, most of the time in a crappy, snarly, “Of course I know better than everybody else” mood.

Turns out I had covid so there were several days without many distractions. Started thinking (A.K.A. obsessing) about the rippling effects of what I put out in the world and was so convicted just from the previous several days.  Many germs not just of covid if I had it while driving my friend around and doing all that we did, but also of ignorance and arrogance, judgement and defensiveness, persistent negativity from being out-of-touch-with-God-because-I-didn’t-take-the-time, I’d strewn about. 

Woo-hoo. (Or not.)

Realized how many people could’ve been effected, and to what degree, by how I’d acted. 

Wow.

And of course, had to extrapolate that over the course of a lifetime, with germs of illness and actions, at times with intentional ignorance, and at others truly unaware.

Went to God (finally) and even called TBN prayer line to have someone else pray for the people who could’ve been effected by what I’d done. 

Was still carrying the (massive) guilt when the gentle God-given thoughts came to heart: “You’ve asked for forgiveness, now receive it”; “Others made decisions that caused some of those ‘guilty’ moments to occur, too”, and then, that memory of the moment in the park where I had genuine love and care for someone who may or may not have been Great Guy (a person I’ve been praying for for quite some time).  And that led to other reminders of what I’ve done lately that are positive. 

At this point in life, I don’t know if I’d treat GG, or anyone else, as if their joy is a priority of mine yet. (In a ‘it’s not my responsibility to make someone else happy, nor take anyone’s abuse, but I can choose to be more kind and loving and encouraging to them instead of snarly and bitchy just because I feel like it’ sort of way.) 

I’m also realizing how often I’ll add to a prayer  “ . . . even if it isn’t me”.  I’m not sure, but I’m realizing that’s a thought that’s not doing me any favors.  On the one hand, it’s noble in a “I want the best for someone even if it isn’t me” sort of way, and Lord knows, I don’t want to assume that I’m a necessary part of someone’s life if I’m really not. 

But ‘even if it’s not me’ can also be a way of keeping myself from perceiving that I am worthy, and can, dangnabit! It’s a cop out by keeping me from fully claiming and affirming I am capable, and will, when the opportunities are presented; whether for a relationship, or working towards a goal God placed in my heart.  

I don’t know if anyone (mortal) gets to the point to where all they ever put out into the world is love and right actions, but I’m sure we all do at times.

What I do know is that what we focus on expands, and I get so fed up when realizing I’ve fallen into that bubbling cauldron of negativity and intentional ignorant actions, again, because I really should know better by now. There’s always the loving, forgiving, and gentle guidance of God in my (everyone’s?) heart that’ll put us back on the right track if we take the time to listen. 

And I’m also mortal and therefore, imperfect, and therefore forgivable (even by me) when I mess up (again).  

Someone recently said (again), “we need to give ourselves the grace we give others”, and to intentionally focus on what we’re doing that’s right in order to expand on that; otherwise we remain stuck in what we keep trying to move out of.

That could’ve been about the 14,000th time I’ve heard that.  Maybe writing about it and, perhaps, helping one other person have their own ‘lightbulb’ moment, will keep mine shining (if dimly at times!)?

Much appreciation to the freinds who offered to do ‘porch drops’ this passed week while recuperating from covid. One, ‘S’, told me she likes Bob Seger, so ’S’, this one’s for you; “Turn the Page” with the late, great, Alto Reed on sax.  Thank you, Hollowman27 for posting this video.