10/14/20
Cast of Characters In My Mind
Have you ever heard of dissociation? It’s actually a spectrum and almost all people have
experienced it to one degree or another. On one end is ‘highway hypnotism’. That’s when a
person is driving and gets to their destination safely and on time but doesn’t remember every
moment of the route. The other end of the spectrum is called “Dissociative Identity
Disorder” (DID), formerly known as Multiple Personalities. It’s how a child’s brain protects itself
during severe trauma when there is no other recourse. I am not a full blown DID, but am a lot
closer to the DID end of the spectrum than the other. I call it being ‘splintered’. There are
several different aspects of my psyche that I’ve named. They’re not individual personalities per
se. They’re more like dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors learned in their respective eras.
They sometimes show themselves when triggered by current events that remind me of past
trauma or when feeing uncomfortable emotions, including benign or positive feelings like trust
and love. These behaviors were ‘born’ out of necessity, and ‘born’ at different times. However,
what started out as necessary in order to survive eventually became a liability later in life. When
I got into therapy to heal from all this, these defenses had been deeply entrenched so they
couldn’t just be ‘turned off’. I was also working with a therapist that for a long time refused to
believe what happened, which did nothing to help to heal these divisions (more on that later).
With the help of God & some amazing professionals (including previously mentioned therapist
once he believed me), these beautiful, wounded and worthy-of-all-good parts of me are coming
together. I’m becoming whole!!!!
The cast of characters in my mind are:
‘E.P.’, for Elder Pearl, redeemed and healing adult me.
‘L..P.’, for Little Pearl is the youngest of the factions. She survived the earliest era of abuse that began while still in diapers and went on until about 7 years old. That era included my
father’s best friend and I don’t know how many of his cronies. Something happened when I was
approximately 7 years old that I’d say was the moment L.P. finally gave up. Each time that
happened – when an era of me gave up – I envision it as a part of my psyche shattering & what
was left was a lesser version of self. L.P. craves acceptance, to have trustworthy people in her
life and the ability to trust them, and to be capable of unreservedly giving (and receiving) the types
of love she now knows she deserves. She feels she has no voice, no choice, and wants to be
rescued. Unfortunately, she’s been in charge for significant lengths of time over the years. Thank
God for the integration of her memories and pain are occurring so I am growing up! (Finally!)
‘Grace’ came into being after L.P., and she survived a male relative and his buddies (the next generation down from LP’s abusers). Her ‘era’ was
going on by age 8 but not sure if that’s when it began. It went on for a few years into my teens,
but don’t know when it ended. (I don’t have all those memories in full, either.) I remember
Grace trying so very hard to have no more emotions, to quit loving and feeling because it hurt
too damn much. So, she’s kept me from feeling and having fun. I used to know/think I was
angry or sad, but couldn’t feel it so it would all end up in what I think of as a bottomless
Pandora’s box. This part has been healing, causing what I call ‘emotional whiplash’ (more on
that later). When it comes to love and all it’s versions, I know I care about someone but still do
not always feel or act it. When I do actually feel trust/love/care for someone it can be
overwhelming and terrifying since those feelings were so frequently used against me as a child.
Grace yearns to be able to have fun, smile & laugh freely, to express her true self and to
experience all she missed in childhood. I’m smiling while writing this – I am doing that, more and
more, and am so grateful!
‘Michael’ is the third splintered part. I’m not sure when he came into being, but have had a
memory or two where I imagined myself as a boy while some of the abuse was happening.
He’s also the protective part who can come across as ‘the bully within’. He can get pretty nasty
with what he says to me in my mind in order for me to ‘remember my place’ so I doubt another
person could possibly care about me. He does this for several reasons, which we’ll get into later.
He can also cause me to unintentionally say or do something to give a person I care about the
impression I don’t, no matter how much I’ve convinced myself I will treat the other person better.
He’s most evident when it comes to a decent guy I’m attracted to, when my heart starts to trust him.
I now fully understand why/how Michael works so this, too, is in the healing stages. The
‘Michael’ aspect makes it much harder to forgive the perpetrators and their co-conspirators. It’s
one thing to forgive others because of what was done to me, and I am doing that. But it’s a
whole other thing to forgive them ‘once and for all’ when decent people are still paying the price for what was done so long ago. I also have a hard time forgiving myself at those times. I so want to do better, consistently, and I will. (There’s so much hope when choosing to be a ‘work-in-progress’ (WIP))
L.P.’s story begins on Monday so I’ll meet you then!
Onsite Workshops (and Milestones, an offshoot of it) in Tennessee is a place people can go for
either 4-6 day workshops or a 30-90 day residential program to work on healing aspect(s) of
their emotional self. It’s an amazing, safe place where some of the best therapists from around
the country are brought in to lead the various workshops, individual intensives, and residential
program. Thank you to Mr. Miles Adcox, the ever humble visionary & CEO of Onsite, & all their
therapists who genuinely care and intuitively work to help others heal their deepest emotional
wounds. It’s a place to believe in miracles, but you gotta work for it. It ain’t easy, but so
very worth it.
Today’s song is “Beautiful Anyway” by Judah and the Lion. It was definitely a God gift when I
heard this on the radio since I usually listen to the harder & oldies rock stations. It’s so real,
encouraging, emotionally honest, and beautiful anyway (like us).
Beautiful Anyway
You told me the other day
You hate yourself and anxiety
Depressed a mess to death
You’d open up & welcome wide with a smile
They told you it’s clinical
But I seem so critical
I wish I could convince the thoughts
That you keep on believing were a lie.
There you go,
Feeling so broken and alone
You walk with your head held so low
You wanna give in
Most the days & that’s okay
But I hope you see someday that you are beautiful anyway.
When you look in the mirror
Please try to see it clearer
How crazy and amazing you are
And then let it inside
It can’t be scientific,
But trust me, know I get it
But I won’t agree when you tell me
You don’t deserve a life.
There you go,
Feeling so broken and alone
You walk with your head held so low
You wanna give in
Most the days & that’s okay
But I hope you see someday that you are beautiful anyway.
Raise your hands
Take a second and breathe in
Singin’ I’m here for a reason
Raise your hands,
take a second and breathe in
Singin’ Hallelujah, I’m known and loved.
(3X)
Raise your hands
Take a second to breathe in
Singin’ I’m here for a reason.
And away you fly
Free with your held so high
‘cuz you never let up the fight
And you never gave in on those days
in the pain
That’s what makes this life so wonderfully awesome
And horribly awful
Yet somehow it’s beautiful anyway.
(Amen! – me)
Written by Nate Zuercher, Judah Akers, Brian Macdonald.
