11/11/20
(This post could contain triggers for some people)
It’s going to take a while to unpack Monday’s post. It’s actually just a snippet of what happened during that period. I’m not trying to imply I had the worst childhood ever by any means but I am saying it was horrific at times and I am still trying to comprehend all that happened and its myriads of ramifications. I don’t have all the memories back and as I’m writing this blog more shards of the past are emerging. It can be emotionally and mentally overwhelming at times, to say the least. (Do you, too, find emotional work can be far more exhausting than physical labor?)
When I first got into therapy a hundred or so years ago (give or take:)), the first person I talked to was a priest I’ll refer to as F.G.. The poor guy – looking back at how I used to be helps to prove how far I’ve come (in most areas, anyway). I cringe when thinking of what F.G. put up with. I had a meltdown in his office at our first meeting, – he was soooo uncomfortable! He quickly offered referrals for a couple of therapists and I’m not sure I chose the right one. The Therapist, who’ll be referred to as TT, is a good person, but he wasn’t a trauma specialist. He also wouldn’t believe what had happened. He’d say child pornography itself was too rare (I beg to differ, but more on that later), let alone the types I experienced. (Yes, what is alluded to in the poem on Monday is some of what actually happened, multiple times). He didn’t even believe me about the more ‘average’ sexual abuse for the first several years. He must’ve thought I woke up one day and chose the dysfunctional personality I had (have, but it’s been tamed quite a bit) (well, except in that one area as Great Guy could attest). I probably shouldn’t have gone to TT for as long as I did (a couple of decades – not proud, just honest) but didn’t know any better. I was so used to being discounted by others it didn’t occur to me another therapist might be different. TT did work with me even when I couldn’t afford to pay. He eventually believed everything (took about 17 years) and I learned a great deal about other healthier behaviors while we worked together so the time wasn’t completely wasted. I do sometimes wonder how much faster this healing could have been if I’d had the wherewithal to try different therapists until I found one who believed me and could work better with the trauma aspect.
I got a job at the retreat center FG was stationed at. I worked in the kitchen and served meals to the guests. I must’ve felt safe there because it didn’t take long for memories to start emerging while I was working. I had no idea what to do with them. Since TT didn’t believe the things I talked about there was no way to process it. TT would say what I was experiencing was my mind just producing images of what I was feeling. For example, he would say I hadn’t really been tied up in the past, I was just feeling like ‘my hands were tied to make changes’ in the present. I knew differently, but couldn’t convince him otherwise. Because of a ‘physical flashback/memory’ he witnessed me experiencing in his office one day he did believe I had been strangled but dismissed the context of it.
I was having some pretty intense nightmares and dreams. In one of them a man was walking around in a basement but he was in shadows so I couldn’t see his features. He seemed familiar but I couldn’t figure out why. There was a strong sense of evil even though there was no other action in it. A week or so later the widow of my father’s best friend came to a retreat and I realized it was her husband in the dream. A couple weeks after that when I finished my duties at the retreat I had a strong sense of evil chasing me. I ran to my truck to try to escape it. I have no conscious memory of the next several minutes but I obviously started the truck and drove away. The next thing I was consciously aware of was when I drove through a stop sign and t-boned an SUV. Thank God no one was injured. There was extensive damage to my S10, but the SUV wasn’t as badly beat up. The guy driving it was very irate and I thought he would beat the snot out of me (which, sadly enough, at the time I thought I deserved – now I know better). The guy calmed down and ended up forgiving me before the police arrived, thank God! And no, at the time TT didn’t believe what happened, the evil I felt and the dissociation that caused the accident.
As mentioned earlier, because of what I’ve been working on psychologically and with writing this blog, the senses of evil, terror, desolation, emotional pain, etc. have been roiling up a lot lately. I’ve been barricading the doors into my abode at night. I’m pushing myself to do most of what I committed to do and not isolate, trying to act o.k. around people, but not sure I’m succeeding. This is a time when I wish I could figure out how to let someone in on a personal level. Kinda wish someone would GENTLY push through my defenses, be here when I feel most vulnerable and threatened. I’ve always had Jesus and am so grateful for Him, but I wish there was someone a little more mortal here, a SAFE hand to hold on to. I do have friends to call but they’re so busy and/or dealing with their own stuff. I believe in what I call ‘mortal angels’. People who have died – some of whom were actually in my life, were safe, and I cared about as best as I could. My Uncle, a mentally challenged man without guile and Mrs. H, a lady I worked for at my first job (she was in her late 90’s and so independent – a beautiful spirit and lady), and others. I find comfort in believing they are still here in spirit when I need them.
Hope comes from knowing that as I go through this more wounds will have been healed and I’ll be freed of more of that hell. I’m learning to control my emotions more so they don’t control me as much (sometimes – I’m a work in progress!). Strength and faith in God and myself is being multiplied as I’m learning to nurture instead of hurt myself, which is a huge step in the right direction, thank God (and me!). One of the funnest things I’ve learned to when struggling emotionally is to perform random acts of kindness. Who knew doing for others what I would like done for me could be so self-nurturing (and, well, fun)?! (and just between you and me – it took a long time for self-centered me to try this!)
Thank you Fr. Gerry for your tolerance and patience ‘way back when’. You didn’t even judge my Alice In Chains obsession!
Friday’s post will be more creative,. Looking forward to meeting with you again!
Alice In Chains is another of my all time favorite bands. It took a while to realize why – their songs were expressing the emotions I could not yet feel, let alone express myself. A.I.C. cofounder, Jerry Cantrell, has a couple of solo albums. This song “Jesus Hands” is on Boggy Depot. I love this song – it’s good company when I’m feeling most alone and in need of a reminder that I have Jesus to comfort me, no matter how imperfect I am. Thank you, Jerry Cantrell.
Jesus Hands If you ever torch your bridges If you’re ever past the starlight If you’re ever unassured Forever you will burn As you sleep unearthly grace Lay Jesus hands upon your face To this sea you’ve been shot down Now find the shore, it can be found Can be found Can be found If you ever crack your small mind If you’re ever much disturbed If you ever reach the shore Forever be your turn As you sleep unearthly grace Lay Jesus hands upon your face To this sea you’ve been shot down Now find the shore, it can be found Can be found Can be found c. Jerry Cantrell
