Wed., 12/16/20
Howdy! How is your day (life?) going?
It took so much effort to write Monday’s post. The deeper realization of all that had happened to L.P., A.K.A. me, and then sharing it with you really took a lot of ‘pushing through’ because it’s still so raw and deeply felt. Along with that struggle came a beautiful revelation a couple days ago as I was reading “Battlefield of the Mind New Testament with commentary by Joyce Meyer”. Are you familiar with Joyce Meyer? She’s on t.v., writes many books, has her website with daily messages, etc.. Her testimony of what she survived as a child and how she became who she is now is so inspiring. She’s completely honest about how the abuse effected her, how negative she, too, became, and how she overcame it all to have a successful, fun and fulfilling life. She also has a great sense of humor when she gives her talks. I don’t always agree with what she says, but everything else has been a real encouragement on my own journey.
Anyway, the reading was so timely considering what I was trying to write about. She said that in order to have a full relationship with God we are to accept him as our LOVING FATHER. It’s only by truly trusting Him that we can completely open ourselves up to Him, to allow Him to bestow upon us, His beloved children, all the love, wisdom, Grace, (loving) correction, and blessings He’s waiting to give us.
You may have already surmised that my father, like my mother, seemed to have difficulty loving me the way I deserved. I loved him in spite of being afraid of him. So by extension, I’ve been terrified of love in every way possible. Also mentioned in previous posts, I have been coming to an ever deepening awareness of how what he did effected me, my life and all my relationships, especially with guys who are decent. (More on that in previous and future posts.)
Like most people who believe in a Higher Power, the way I perceived God had a direct correlation to how I was treated by my earthly family, (especially father) and other males who had authority over me and should’ve been trustworthy, but then did what they did to me. For the first few years of this healing journey I really struggled with God. I fought Him because even though He (and ONLY He, totally Him) got me safely out of a marriage where the ex would tell me if I left him it would be the last thing I’d ever do (more on this in a future post), I still couldn’t trust Him. Or, in this moment I’m realizing, it was just the opposite. I had so much faith in Him that I knew I could throw every angry and bitter accusation at Him, knowing somewhere deep in my heart He would lovingly stay with me every step of the way and help me work it out. (Wow. Thank You for that wisdom, God. Heaven help me, MORE tears are flowing – in gratitude this time.)
The overt fighting with God began in earnest when TT, my therapist at the time, told me if he could handle my anger then God could, too. Let me tell you, if God was any less permeable He’d have been bruised and bloodied at times! But He never retaliated or flinched – He just stayed here with me with His arms open, waiting for those moments when I could lay down my defenses and let Him heal me a little bit more.
Among so many other tirades and rotten accusations, three of my biggest were: I expected God to denigrate me verbally if I ever showed my true, imperfect self. I told God I thought He got ‘turned on’ by watching children be sexually abused. (I now think that He cries with us – there’ll be more on that in the future). The third biggie was, I believed I would be required to perform degrading sexual acts on Him at some point. At my deepest spiritual level I KNEW that wasn’t who God was/is, but inside my wounds, I believed otherwise. I’ve been working on changing my internal view of Him and thought I had come to a place of true understanding of who He really is. As I read that Joyce Meyer article though, it occurred to me that the way I fear decent men is how I felt about God. And to call Him Father without wanting to slap Him? Are you kidding me?
I hadn’t realized I still felt this way, especially as strongly as I did in that moment. Apparently I still believed that truly good, loving, decent fathers (and men) were like unicorns – they may make great, even heroic protagonists in fairy tales, but don’t ever expect them to show up in (my) real life, expect them to want me to be a part of theirs.
In spite of this awareness, I started saying to God, “Our Father, my loving Father”. The immediate intense reaction in my heart and mind informed me there was still so much fear and doubt in saying those words. I was sobbing so hard as I said it repeatedly, hoping and literally praying that it could really be true, that He could love me the way I now know I deserve, that He could truly have nothing but love and goodness and decency for ME. Still crying about this, actually.
(It’s been quite the snot fest lately, but in a good way. In a deeper cleansing-out-of-the-infections of-the-emotional-and-heart-wounds sort of way.)
I hope you are allowing yourself to receive healing love from your Higher Power, too. No doubt about it, you’re worthy.
Eternal gratitude to my LOVING Father, God, and thank you to Joyce Meyer – her words and humor are instrumental in helping me find my way back to God and self.
Will you meet me back here on Friday?The band Kansas released “The Wall” in 1976 and I still love it. When I fell into the deep dark well of depression so long ago (Thank You, God, that I am OUT of it!) I forgot about it until a couple of years ago. I consider it to be biographical. Still relentlessly working on my own walls, though, and they are starting to crumble down (FINALLY!). I’ll keep at it until they’re just dust and rubble in my rearview mirror.
"The Wall" I'm woven in a fantasy, I can't believe the things I see The path that I have chosen now has led me to a wall And with each passing day I feel a little more like something dear was lost It rises now before me, A dark and silent barrier between, All I am, and all that I would ever want to be It's just a travesty, Towering, marking off the boundaries my spirit would erase To pass beyond is what I seek, I fear that I may be too weak And those are few who've seen it through to glimpse the other side, The promised land is waiting like a maiden that is soon to be a bride The moment is a masterpiece, The weight of indecision's in the air Standing there, The symbol and the sum of all that's me It's just a travesty, Towering, blocking out the light and blinding me I want to see Gold and diamonds cast a spell, It's not for me, I know it well The riches that I seek are waiting on the other side There's more than I can measure in the treasures of the love that I can find And though it's always been with me, I must tear down the wall and let it be All I am, and all that I was ever meant to be, In harmony Shining true and smiling back at all who wait to cross There is no loss c. Kerry Livgren / Steve Walsh
