1/14/22
(To better understand the ‘splinters’, Michael, E.P., etc., please use the ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the home page. Also, I am not a mental health professional and am not advocating any specific therapy for anyone else. I’m just a consumer writing about personal experience.)
Good day, Being-Who-Is-Worthy-Of-Good,
How is your week going?
If you struggle with self-acceptance, are there moments when you realize that even though you’re imperfect, you are good enough, anyway?
I’ll be honest (as usual!), still struggling with that. It’s – um – funny? or a conundrum maybe? how there are times when I have full acceptance of self, the knowledge that I’m good enough and capable of living a full life, so here’s peace and more confidence. And other times when I struggle with believing life will ever be more than it is at the lower points. (AAArgh)
Over these last few weeks I’ve been writing (when I can, not sure why it’s seemed too difficult lately), about how my emotions are a-roiling and mind in a tizzy (or, you know, a snit fit :)). But I’m now seeing clarity and purpose rising out of it, and have to acknowledge that the more uncomfortable and trying times really can produce the most growth (hopefully! :)).
In spite of how much I’ve written about (and thought I’d accepted) having a mind that’s ‘splintered’ or dissociative (whatever!) I hadn’t fully realized how much it’s effecting day-to-day living. Probably all that obsessing I’ve dabbled (Ahem. More like been immersed?) in acted as a distraction from noticing how dissociation permeates all aspects of life.
(The obsessing is lessening so awareness and healing are happening! Huzzah!)
The revelation began several weeks ago when I was talking with ‘A’, someone I’ve known for decades. It’s been rare when we’ve been able to connect on a deep level because of my own defensiveness and her overwhelming busyness of life.
I didn’t think she’d been paying attention to what I’ve said about this healing Journey. During the conversation she was (kindly) trying to talk about issues she was having with our relationship. On the one hand, I knew it was hard for her to speak up so there was appreciation for her willingness to be that vulnerable, yet because of the twists and turns our lives had taken over the years I’m still in the process of learning to trust her and can still be self-protective.
So if you’d been listening to my end of the conversation we were initially having, you would have had every right to laugh!
Several times ‘A’ would mention a valid concern she had, and before she’d finish talking I’d jump in with some defensive remark that could’ve started with “Yeah, but YOU . . .”, then realized what I was saying and interrupt myself with, “No, wait, I hear what you’re saying”, then volley back and forth with those conflicting comments, then make myself shut-up so she could talk. That happened a few times. I couldn’t figure out why, couldn’t stop, and was getting so frustrated.
‘A’ astutely asked, “When does the Michael ‘splinter’ in your mind get triggered?”. It shocked me she’d even know to ask that! Responded with, “When he’s feeling threatened”.
Immediately, ‘Michael’ calmed down and we were able to have an honest, heartfelt conversation.
Several weeks before that some friends and I went on a week-end retreat. A couple of times when one of the ladies would ask a question I would just stare at her for an (uncomfortable) few seconds or so. That’s kind of usual for me so it was a surprise when they would say: “I’m not making your decision for you!”. That ticked me off because I hadn’t asked them to. (Don’t ever assume you know what I’m thinking; half the time I don’t even know!)
I’m pausing before answering due to the discordant splinters expressing opposing opinions in my mind, and I’m trying to figure out which one(s) to listen to.
For that same reason, it can take a few moments to figure out how to do something, which also peeves my ‘type ‘A(+)’ personality friends – they want quick, correct, reactions and actions, and that’s not something I’m capable of at times.
Trust me, I, too, wish I was more ‘able’, and can get offended when not allowed to learn by trying and being my ACCEPTABLE imperfect self in the process.
Have also realized how ‘the splinters’ cause varying perceptions of people. At times I see the worst in their actions, or am sure they’re mad at me so I won’t acknowledge them, believing they want nothing to do with me. Then at other moments, when there’s been no interaction, no reason for a ‘normal’ person to change their opinion, and sometimes just a minute or so apart from thinking they’re angry, I’ll suddenly believe they’re ‘good people’, we’re ‘good’, and be friendly and appreciate them.
The factions of the mind can even effect talent! One aspect of the psyche can be gifted in a way that the others don’t necessarily share, which makes me wonder if guitar playing and writing are effected by it. I’ve written in the past about how frustrating it can be to be able to do either well, with a love and ease that would cause me to do or learn quickly, yet at other times I’m just hacking at it and can’t seem to get anything right. (Like this past month or so.)
And throughout these last several years when there are times (like this past month or so :)) I just get too confused with all that is going on in my mind, and am (ahem) bitchier (ahem) than normal. So I’ll essentially take myself out of the social world for a while – Elder Pearl’s version of ‘Go For Soda’ (see song at end of post).
(Yet, these are the times I’d give just about anything to have someone be tolerant (brave??:)) enough to just sit with me for a while.)
Have only had three ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) sessions so far, and am pretty sure that’s had quite an effect on how I’m now noticing, perceiving, accepting and perhaps (hopefully, prayerfully) integrating the parts of psyche now.
I’m believing another victory is in the making for the healing front! Thank God! (And me!) Woo-hoo!
“Go For Soda” by Kim Mitchell is about how instead of getting into heated arguments (or worse) with others, walk away from the situation until everyone has a chance to calm down. Have always loved this song, was so glad to be reminded of it when I saw my favorite local band’s version of it on their website. The song reminds me, some men DO know how to restrain themselves even when they’re ticked off and/or tempted to harm in some other way and no one important is looking. Thank you.
