Mon. 12/28/20
Welcome! I’m honored you chose to spend some time here today. Thank you.
With the end of the year at hand there are a couple of things I’ve been trying to figure out how to accomplish to coincide with it, to hopefully start the new year with a little less baggage for both of us. I hope this week’s posts will be a way to achieve that.
For this first entry:
I’ve accumulated a ton of guilt over the years for things I did and shouldn’t have, or actions I should’ve taken but didn’t. One of my goals for recovery has been to make ‘the buck stop’ with me. As I’ve become aware of dysfunctional ways I’ve been working on changing them. Some are healed, others are still a work in progress, and I’m sure there are more I haven’t yet become aware of. A couple of years ago I realized that because I thought of myself as dirt I was inadvertently treating others the same way. If I couldn’t love myself then there was nothing positive with any depth to give. If I didn’t believe I had value, then how could I accept the care and love others offered?
In some of the instances when I only had dirt to give I’ve apologized directly to the person when comprehension hit about what I had done, even decades after the offense. For others I haven’t had the opportunity because I don’t know how to get a hold of them, and in some cases, never even knew their names. I’ve also learned to stop asking for forgiveness in certain situations, although I’m not sure if that’s the right solution.
As the awareness of regrettable actions come up, I’ve learned to confess them to God and to pray for the wronged. I know my Loving Heavenly Father has forgiven me and I keep seeking absolution from the others involved as well as myself. Today I’m asking for forgiveness and pray that somehow, on a spiritual level, these words of atonement will reach the hearts of the beings I’ve hurt. If any similar wrongs happened to you then I sincerely hope you’ll accept these words of apology because they’re for you also. You, too, are worthy of hearing a heartfelt “I’m sorry” whether or not I’m the person who actually hurt you.
There is so much remorse for the good and decent beings, like you, who have been effected by my own displaced anger, defensiveness, self protection and/or sense of helplessness. What I did was never about you, you just ended up paying for the sins for others. I’m so sorry about that.
I apologize to A. & B., a couple of childhood friends (and others, I’m sure). I remember purposely hurting/denigrating you at times, then acting kind at others. You were good friends and never deserved the belittling comments and baffling behavior. I pray your lives are now full of goodness, love, and peace.
I apologize to S., a guy from my teenage years who reached out to me repeatedly. It didn’t matter how often I’d convince myself that next time you did I would treat you well, like you deserved, but then the actual knee-jerk reactions ended up being just the opposite. I hated that that would happen, and myself for acting that way. There was also added loads of self recriminations because when I saw your life begin to unravel I so dearly wanted to reach out to let you know I cared, to help if possible. I wanted to do for you what you tried to do for me but I could never get it right. I did manage to write to you for a while when you were in prison. (yay.) I pray, S., that you’ve accepted your redemption and have found good people to love and be loved by. You were always worthy of that.
To the good friends I had in childhood who I intentionally pushed away as soon as I graduated high school because I felt too ‘other than’ and unworthy of your decency. There were a few good women in adulthood, too, whose friendships I walked away from for the same reason. I honestly didn’t think it would matter, but a couple of you told me how much that hurt you. I’m sorry.
In my younger years there was also J., P., P., and D., guys who received the same ‘Michael’ treatment to a lesser degree than S. and Great Guy (GG) did. I’m grateful if I was a nonentity in your lives. (For explanation about the ‘Michael’ part of my psyche, please read “Dissociation” post dated 10/11/20.)
Looking back I now understand my heart never did trust the ex-husband, c., and that’s how he got past ‘Michael’. He treated me like I thought I deserved, and that was comfortable if not comforting (more on this later). I do apologize to c. though because I knew we shouldn’t get married. We were obviously a wreck before the wedding and I have no idea why I thought marriage would magically fix things. I pray you got the help you deserve, c.
There is such a deep remorse about how the innocent pets I had during the marriage were treated. It took a long time for me to realize what c. was doing to you, and I never intervened. B., a 100+ pound beautiful canine who would cower and try to run away when hubby acted aggressive towards him, but when c. would act aggressive towards me B. would be all over him, do all he could to push c. away. I abandoned my beloved protector to the ex when I left the marriage. I hope you are all safe in critter Heaven, have forgiven me, and will lovingly greet me when my time in this realm is over. Thank God c. and I never had children, I can only imagine what I would have let happen to them.
A few times throughout my life before beginning this healing journey, I was aware of violence happening to innocent people and I felt too helpless to intervene or even call for help. I hope you can forgive me. I still pray that you’ve all been healed from what happened to each one of you.
I deeply regret essentially severing the loving relationships I had with my nieces and nephews without explanation, but I didn’t know how to do it any differently (and still don’t). Once I realized how I felt about your parents and grandparents and could no longer maintain a relationship with them, I didn’t want to put you in the middle with the ‘whys’. I’ve tried to make it to your big ‘milestone’ moments when I could emotionally handle being around some of the perpetrators, and supported you from afar when I couldn’t. I miss you, pray for you, and will always love and deeply appreciate you and your families. I’m forever here for you, even if I can’t be there with you at social events.
As for Great Guy, when we first started working together you referenced a late 70’s remake of a 60’s rock love song and I wasn’t sure if you meant anything by it. Then when we were done that day there was a beautiful lady waiting for you. I figured the song reference was most likely for her (duh!). So, my apologies to you go two ways. One is that if you were already in a relationship and you did something kind and I misinterpreted it and acted like I would compete for you. I would never have done that if I’d have remembered or thought you were already in a relationship. The other ‘I’m sorry’ is for the times I couldn’t discern or believe when outside of where we worked together if what I saw really was you, and/or if you were reaching out to me in one form or another, or if it was just wishful thinking. Lord knows I hoped, but couldn’t let myself hope enough to find out. And even though I know you are a safe, good man there have been occasions when I couldn’t let myself believe you were standing there for me, so I ignored you or you were the recipient of the self defensive reactions of ‘Michael’. You never deserved that. My therapist taught me that repeatedly apologizing for behaviors I haven’t changed yet was kind of like abusive partners who apologize then abuse again. Until I can prove I can do things differently, my apologies are hollow. It’s why I’ve been working so intensely and diligently on healing and integrating ‘Michael’ this last year or so. Some of what I pray for you G.G. is that the people who surround you love and support you the way you deserve and that you have some inkling of how loved you are by God.
If there’s a chance to make amends in person to any of the people I’ve hurt in the past, I’m preparing myself to do that, then consistently ACT like I’ve changed. If there is ever an opportunity to have a healthy romantic relationship with G.G. (or someone else if that ship has sailed – if it was ever even in the vicinity), I’m working towards being be able to give as well as I now know I deserve to receive. I’ve finally learned that’s the only way for all my relationships to be. I hope those are the types of relationships you have or are working towards enjoying, too. We’re both worthy!
Looking forward to meeting you here in a couple of days for part two!
