12/30/20
Welcome back!
This one’s for you . . .
Something that’s still hard to accept after all these years is that no one has ever offered an apology for the abuse they inflicted. I now know that says EVERYTHING about them, and NOTHING about me (and you, if you’ve experienced the same). I’ve actually apologized to myself for all the abuse others inflicted on me because I know I deserve the amends and know no one else will offer them. So this is for you, my be-loved fellow survivors of childhood (and adult) trauma who have had no recourse for the reparation you so richly deserve. I know this cannot compensate for what has happened to you but I hope it helps in some way.
I am truly, deeply, sorry you had to endure what you did and that you’ve had to carry this undeserved burden for so long.
I am sorry you’ve had to live with all the night(and waking)mares, pain, rage, shame, guilt, self-loathing, terror, sadness, grief, and all the other emotions, repercussions, and unhealthy defenses that are too numerous and personal to name here.
I’m sorry that you’re left having do all it takes to heal, to learn to respect and love yourself, to unburden yourself from all that they dumped on you, possibly while ‘they’ never had to deal with the consequences of their actions.
I am sorry if ‘they’ will never care enough to apologize, or if they do, that it may not seem like enough.
I’m sorry for the emotional warfare and self-recriminations you may experience because you frequently can’t figure out if what you’re thinking or feeling is due to what’s going on in the current moment or if it’s the past intruding on the present. And then others can’t fathom why it takes you so long to understand what they’re saying or doing, and/or why it takes you so long to make decisions, and they judge you for it, too.
I am sorry for all the miserable relationships you may have had because you didn’t believe you deserved better or because you kept trying ‘one more time’ to love, but that wasn’t what they wanted.
I am sorry if you feel the need to constantly try to prove to others you have value because somewhere inside of you, you mistakenly doubt it.
I am sorry for any harsh judgement directed towards you because the abuse may have made you ‘different’, while the people who traumatized you may be respected and even honored because they can pretend to be decent when around ‘important’ people.
I am sorry, so very sorry my dear, if you were never heard, or were belittled or shunned because you tried to tell the truth. It hurts.
I sincerely regret I cannot be there to hold your hand if you’d let me.
I deeply regret that I cannot heal you and take away the pain within you.
I regret I couldn’t save you from the trauma, cannot fight your fight for you, and cannot make the difficult decisions you face every day about how to act, who to trust, and what to do about ‘them’ if there has never been a resolution.
I pray you have or can find good, compassionate, capable, trustworthy people to turn to and that you let yourself trust them.
I pray so very earnestly that WE – worthy, beloved, precious and strong over-comers can allow ourselves to believe how valuable, beautiful, amazing, courageous, and lovable we really and truly ARE – no matter how far down we think we’ve been, what we’ve endured, no matter what choices we’ve made, and no matter how much we’ve despised ourselves and/or allowed others we kept in our lives to. I KNOW we are redeemed. We HAVE immeasurable value just because we’re us, and NOTHING anyone did (including ourselves) can EVER take that away.
I know we have what it takes to create the amazing life we’ve imagined even if it’s not easy and takes longer than we want. We HAVE the spirit, ability, patience and perseverance to overcome any and all obstacles. Life may never be perfect and we’ll probably always deal with the fall out that comes with being a survivor, but I KNOW we have what it takes to make our lives wonder-full. We have the God given right to genuinely love ourselves the way we are (now) in the way we deserve, and to allow our Higher Power and others to love us, also. I KNOW we are capable and deserving of all this and so much more and it’s all up to us to believe, do the work and keep the faith as we support each other on our journeys. And I KNOW all this is possible because if I’m doing it, then there is absolutely every reason to believe you can, too.
AMEN! Thank You, God!
Thank you to all people who can accept others where they”re at. It’s your tolerance of our internal struggles that helps us learn to accept ourselves. Bless you.
Meet you here on Friday?
