Beautiful, Anyway

12/10/23

Hi Beautiful/Handsome (inside and out) Person!

In the overall realm of life, what do you focus on? 

We’ll get back to that in a few paragraphs.

Have you ever been called ‘Handsome’ or ‘Beautiful’, like in lieu of your name or as an endearment? 

A few years ago I had a dog who had survived hell before being brought to the animal shelter. 

She’d been abused, was completely emaciated, too weak to stand, stinky, depressed, snarly and hated people. 

And she was amazing, even then.

The good workers loved on her so much and took such good care of her that she would eventually sit her healthier 50 pound (and growing) self on any of our laps while we were sitting on the floor! 🙂

So much was done for her which created an amazing transformation in her. She became a confident, happy dog and would even spin her healthy 70 pound self around in joy. 

I was blessed to become her ‘forever person’. I loved that girl, she got so deep into my heart. When she came into the shelter her name was Teena, and I initially altered it to Xena, which was short for Teena-Xena-Warrior-Princess-Guru-dog-Blessing.

But what was pretty cool was, she would respond the fastest to being called ‘Beautiful’. 

There’s something about her in this blog somewhere; I’ll have to bring it up again when I’m running even later and have even less time to get something written!

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post, “Not Letting Discouragers Reign”. 

In an effort to remain honest about my own healing-from-hell process I do write about the darker stuff, and my goal is to include something positive for the last part of the post so people understand the dark doesn’t doesn’t have to be e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g nor last forever. There is always a reason to hope for ‘better’, and even complete healing/transformation.

Several people left kind comments about the post which are always appreciated and gratefully received, if not yet fully believed. Each one drives the positive deeper and it is making quite a difference in my heart. Like Beautiful/Xena, it helps me to appreciate people more, and to believe there is a positive reason for my existence, and to revel in that when I can.

I don’t remember who it was, but a speaker I listened to awhile back mentioned it takes nine positive comments to negate one negative. (I wonder why?)

In an analogy I’m trying to use as a segue to another sorta related subject (and not sure it really works :)), learning how to perceive myself as worthy and capable of loving relationships is like trying to see through a darkly tinted window. 

Initially I can’t see who (or what if we’re talking about an opportunity of a different kind) is on the other side of the solid glass and only a dark, vague, distorted image of myself reflects back. As I learn more about who I am to (and because of) God (with much help from the Bible and mortal encouragers) the tinting on the window starts peeling away in layers. I begin to see a clearer, lighter, more positive image of who I am reflected back to me as I increasingly believe I’m worthy of what’s waiting for me on the other side of the glass. As whatever’s on both sides of the glass are ready, the window (hearts?) start opening and the love/blessing/opportunity can start flowing freely between.

Along the way though I might try to reach for what I think is on the other side but if I’m not as ready as I’d hoped the attempt just bounces off the glass.

(Perhaps that happens for who, or whatever is on the other side too?)

And depending on my mood I can be so grateful the opportunity is so close and waiting for me, or, assume it was the only chance and it’s gone. 

Did that make sense?

The positive reaction keeps my eyes focused on figuring out what I can do to be better prepared for the next attempt. 

Negativity once again clouds the window to the degree I focus on that, and the process gets set back and repeated once more from wherever I start to believe again.

To be honest, there are times I just want to give up on love because I can’t imagine why someone would wait around until I’m able to respond well. I’ll decide it’s time to accept that it won’t happen, quit looking for it, and build a full life without it. 

But when I’ve chosen that perspective there’ll be moments, like this morning, when without warning I’ll catch a glimpse of the future and I’m free of the b.s. from the trauma. Like Xena (A.K.A. Beautiful) became, I’m lighthearted (but lighter weighted!:)) and living joyfully. I’m allowing myself to experience the amazing purpose filled life I’ve been working towards with that Great Guy by my side too, as well as the family of choice and my good, supportive friends. 

Which scenario will I chose to focus on? (Sad to say, it still can be a crapshoot at times!)

In that post from two weeks ago I mentioned someone in my life who, for several years now has been intent on making me understand just how ugly she thinks I am. (Which echoed what the ex would do, too.)

(As an aside, this woman does have a lot of good qualities or else she wouldn’t still be in my life.) 

When I had lost a significant amount of weight, was exercising and getting so much stronger, she was very insistent about how horrible it made me look. That, in my messed up mind, affirmed I was unworthy of love, too.

I’d hate to think one of the reasons I’ve put weight back on was because I’d let someone else’s words control me to such an extent, especially after all the work I’ve done to crawl out from under all of the oppressive verbal crud family, ex and others have dumped on me over the years. But I’ll be honest, it’s her (and the ex’s) words that echo through my mind while debating if losing weight is worth the effort.

And what I would consider to be so pathetic if I hadn’t heard that quote mentioned above about needing 9 affirmations to counter each nasty comment, is I’ve recently remembered that about the same time I was being convinced of how ugly someone else thought I was because of weight loss, another friend, ’M’, had unknowingly countered that sabotaging comment when she (and others, too with this part) told me how good/healthy I was looking. 

But ’M’ also took it one step further, and it’s time to start focusing more on this, too: She asked me if I was in love.

I so could not receive the full implication of that question at the time.

I had been working with a great guy for about a half hour weekly. It didn’t give me enough time to get to know him well but part of my heart and psyche sometimes sensed I was safe with him. That was building an attraction to him even though I couldn’t feel what was going on internally, nor respond (if it was wanted) due to the unresolved trauma issues. And I couldn’t define what was going on without being able to feel it.

But ’S’ apparently saw the symptoms, thought I was worthy of it, and asked if I was in love!

Can you believe it? I’m crying while writing about this (in a good way:)).

She must have seen some kind of beauty/worthiness inside of me and unwittingly planted a seed that’s apparently been taking root and germinating without me noticing.

Why couldn’t I receive what she said back then? Because I’ve been focusing on the soil that I was still buried under instead of the seed that was planted. God and I were still working on removing the layers of the dirt and dark tint on the windows of my psyche, and now I’m starting to see more clearly what my God given Truth is – no matter what, I AM considered beautiful in HIS sight AND worthy of ALL the love and blessings He has for ME!

Guess what? God feels the same about YOU, too. 

And to be clear, I’m not just talking about physical beauty. I know some people are capable of seeing another’s heart and letting that influence how they perceive what a person looks like. 

Which is how God sees us, always.

As Jesus told the Pharisees and other scholars who did all they could to lead a ‘perfect’ life by following all the rules, then condemned those who weren’t as perfect as they perceived themselves: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like white washed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.”  (From The Bible, Book of Matthew, Chapter 23, verse 27.)

And in 1Samuel 16:7b: “For the Lord sees not as (people) see. (People) look at the external appearance, but the Lord looks into the heart.”

In context, that last verse is about how people thought they knew who would be a great leader because of how a man looked – right height, looks, etc. But God saw the evil in the man’s heart and wanted someone else instead. 

That truth works the opposite way, too. 

If you read The Bible then you know, God asks those who are are considered ‘weak’ and ‘foolish’ by mortals to do the most for Him. (1Corinthians 27-29). 

Moses and King David each murdered someone, and Paul was instrumental in the first stoning of a Christian. Rahab was a prostitute and Mary of Magdalena had ‘7 demons cast out of her’; she was also the first person Jesus appeared to after He was resurrected, and the first person (a woman, no less :)) He told to spread His Gospel. 

Jacob (who later became ‘Israel’) was a liar, a con, and fought with an angel of God. Matthew was a despised tax collector and Peter, who Jesus made the leader of the church, was a hot head and betrayed Jesus three times during His ordeal leading up to the crucifixion. 

And the examples of the foolish becoming heroes with God goes on and on.

So if you think you’re too much, too broken, too messed or ‘not enough’ to be of value for this world and to God, then you’re the person God wants to redeem. He sees our wounds, scars, humble hearts as opportunities to heal and work through us, and the beauty of who we are regardless (and especially) if others won’t. He knows all the love and blessings we’re worthy of, even if we don’t. 

So, what am I fix my eyes on now? And what will you?

This song, “Beautiful Anyway” by Judah and the Lion was used early in this blog, and think it’s still perfect for you, too, especially if you have any doubts as to your value and (true) beauty. Enjoy!