Fri. 6/11/21
Welcome! Hope you’ve experienced something extraordinary recently?
I have. A couple of them, actually. Both were blessings I couldn’t have imagined, one I could appreciate even if it was at the expense of my ego in a truly funny way, and the other I couldn’t let myself receive. Again.
The first should be finished for Tuesday’s post, the second I’ll briefly mention here to introduce the short Haiku poem I wrote a loooong time ago. It’s funny (kinda) how something written several decades or more ago can be so relevant to what happens in the present.
I saw Great Guy (G.G.), a couple of times in the same area on two different days this week while walking my dog. The second time he walked right past me, smiled, etc., but I would not let myself believe it was him so I just replied with a generic greeting and kept walking. Trust me what I tell you, that’s NOT how I envision reacting to him. I keep praying he understands that this b.s. behavior has nothing to do with how I truly feel about him, it’s about old wounds that haven’t figured out how to heal yet.
Talked it over with a good friend of mine, C., who’s a therapist and has assisted me with some deep healing work, etc.. She’s been listening to this ongoing saga all along and has been trying to help figure this out, to get to the very root of what’s causing the self-sabotage on my part by rejecting the overtures of kindness from the man I care for so much.
I’ve been writing about the soul deep, pain filled revelations and memories that have been emerging over these last few months that God, C., other friends and my therapist and I have been working diligently to heal.
Tonight C. mentioned there’s probably a specific traumatic occurrence that hasn’t been remembered yet that’s being triggered whenever I see G.G.. It makes sense, but honestly I would’ve thought that with everything that’s already come up and all the work done to heal it would’ve fixed whatever ‘this’ is, too. I’ve come so far in the other areas of life, why is this being so resistant?
Anyway, C. started praying and asked God to help me figure out what the issue is, for Him to be my courage to face this. While she was doing that something came up but all it told me (so far) was that I was fourteen when this event occurred. Can only hope it’s what’s already been percolating in the psyche but hasn’t slithered up to the surface yet.
Thank God I’m learning how to love myself through this instead of compounding the sense of unworthiness by being self condemning. That’s the only way to truly heal my heart.
Today’s poem relates to this because I’m starting to believe that whatever happened at fourteen years of age probably happened with someone I truly thought I could trust, not like all the others where I learned to only ‘faux-trust’ them because I thought it was necessary to in order to survive. The ‘shattered illusions’ refer to that loss of what I may have considered to be genuine love on the other person’s part, back then. In the present time, I’m working at no longer allowing those past shattered illusions to continue to keep parts of my heart and dreams captive. It’s time to separate the illusions from the dreams in order to be free to receive and give all the love I deserve. AMEN!
Shattered illusions crashing to the ground. Should not take your dreams along. c. Pearl E. M.
Looking forward to meeting you here on Tuesday!
