2/9/22
(For an explanation about who the ‘splinters’ Michael and L.P. are, please use the ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the home page.)
Hello Wonderful You,
How are you doing today? Have you had many moments this past week when you felt delighted with yourself and/or life?
I can honestly say, I’m able to notice the wonder in life more frequently and intensely as the deeper layers of denial and self-protection are peeled back. Trauma work certainly isn’t easy at times, and we’re oh-so-worth the effort it takes to live life more fully and appreciatively by (FIGURATIVELY!) lancing the emotional wounds, draining them of their debilitating pain and power, and letting them heal.
As written about in recent posts, there has been increasing opportunities to delve deeper and another occasion presented itself this past week. I know this only occurs when I’m capable of doing the work. Hope to keep remembering that as this latest push forward into healing walks itself out so I’ll allow the feelings to flow instead of trying to stop them up with more junk food.
It was so bazaar how it happened. I was practicing guitar and just hacking at it, really. It’s so frustrating because it’s a song I’ve been practicing for a while now, and have had moments when I’ve played it quite well, even early on and in front of my teacher (!!!) I’d be so grateful to ‘get it’ so easily, but then spontaneously go back to playing like I didn’t even know what a chord was.
Recently the realization came that the discrepancies in how I play could be caused by having a ‘splintered’ personality. So when the hacking began the other day I decided to yell at myself (out loud, with my free hand a-flailing at no one) (and you thought you were weird ;)) hoping to get the attention whichever sabotaging faction of psyche was responsible.
I was so sure it had to be angry ‘Michael’ since sabotage is his m.o. when it comes to relationships, that I just let loose at him. But as I was accusing him and telling him it was long past time for him to get on board with growing up and moving forward in life, in my minds eye I saw something baffling.
It was a very dark image that only lasted several seconds. A terrified little girl was sitting on a cement (basement) floor, her back against the cement block wall, her knees up and arms wrapped around them, head bowed. As the yelling continued, presumably at Michael, she quickly rose up and scurried away, partially bent over in fear.
I was so sure Michael was to blame that she was initially ignored. But the name Little Pearl (LP) started gently wafting up from the subconscious, and after a few more moments it (finally) occurred to me to change perspective.
I tried to calm down in order to sound kinder for ‘LP’, then asked her if she was responsible for causing the crappy guitar playing. Not so sure why it was so surprising when she whispered ‘yes’ because I’m aware of some of what she’s been through (see early posts, starting with “Still Innocent”, dated Nov. 9, 2020). When I asked ‘why’ the whisper in my mind timidly continued with: “I don’t wanna play it with or in front of people, so I don’t wanna get good at it.”
Oh.
It’s not a new revelation, but to ‘hear’ it straight from LP really had an impact.
I didn’t want to quit playing right then, didn’t want to give up, you know? But I felt obligated to acquiesce to LP since she had the courage to speak up and I didn’t want to traumatize her any more. Vowed to start again the next day, but couldn’t – was still trying to wrap my brain around what happened and didn’t know how to proceed.
Had a therapy session with ‘C’ the following day and after telling her about the image and communication with LP I expressed that I still couldn’t fully believe it happened. She assured me it was entirely possible and that it did make sense. When I told her I didn’t know what to do for fear of continuing to re-traumatize LP, if that’s what’s been happening all this time, she kinda kindly took me to task. She asked if playing guitar was important to me, important enough to ‘take this on’.
That was an unequivocal ‘yes’.
Then she told me I had to push to practice more, and find a group of musicians that would let me play with them.
(Say what????? – I may have broken out in a cold sweat before she finished that sentence.)
So in all of my dignity and maturity (ahem), I whined again about not knowing know how to do that with LP, reiterating not wanting to scare/hurt her further.
C (in a kinder way then I’m about to paraphrase here) told me I’d have to grow up and realize, that to not push LP to do this would be the equivalent of never allowing a toddler to walk again after falling because you don’t want them to tumble and hurt their self again. If LP is to get past her fears, I was going to have be the one to cause her (me) to play more, face the difficult memories and uncomfortable emotions that’ll be coming up, and keep moving forward.
(Gulp.)
(Do you think it’s mere coincidence that since then I’ve had increasing back pain that’s kept me from practicing for any length of time, and after going to my miracle-working chiropractor yesterday the pain was relieved for a short period but now it’s back? Yeah, me neither.)
LP’s revelation does explain why, throughout my history of practicing guitar, there’d be a week or two of playing at least an hour a day, loving it and making good progress so I’ll begin to imagine playing with and for others, then suddenly, seemingly, have no time to get to it. Wasn’t consciously aware that I was avoiding processing the fears and pain that were cropping up from what happened when, as a 3.4.5 + year old child I was forced to ‘perform’ by being vilely molested by several men (amongst other thing) while others were watching, hooting and hollering. (Starting to weep a little – with slashes of vertigo – just thinking about it now.)
Can’t wait to tackle this. But really, I am grateful (choke :)) to be able to (with God, who strengthens me) because I deserve to be free of the debilitating effects that stem from a bunch of weak, pathetic losers’ attempts at making their selves feel more – what? – manly? at the expense of an innocent child.
(but still . . . could I pay you to do this for me??? I can offer up to fifty-tree cents in small change . . . )
So now I get to try to find some musicians who wouldn’t mind letting a novice with ‘issues’ join their ranks. (YOU try explaining that as an introduction to invite oneself into another’s clique!!) I have found a local musicians meeting place online, but they’re much more accomplished and it’s rather doubtful they’re looking for someone like me to be a part of their posse.
As I’m typing this, though, I’m remembering a conversation with a kind lady at a local folk festival a couple of years ago. She mentioned she was a beginner guitar player and jammed regularly with several other musicians who were more accomplished, and she offered an invitation to join them. (Then covid shut everything down.)
I just searched for that online and think I found out what she was talking about, sent an e-mail to see if it is, and if I could join them next month (such moxie!).
(Please tell me I CAN do this, and stay in ‘Elder Pearl’ mode when I go? God – are Ya listening???)
Oh yeah, the ‘VICTORY’ verse I’ve recently learned is from Deuteronomy 20:4: “The Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight against your enemies to give you VICTORY”. (Enemies can be internal as well as external.) I expect this VICTORY now, ahead of time.
What impending VICTORY can you claim for yourself, Wonderful Person?
Since I so rudely took Michael to task when he wasn’t the ‘splinter’ responsible after all, I’ll let him choose this post’s song . . . and so Jerry Cantrell’s ‘Anger Rising’ it is. Love this song and grateful that due to years of therapy and working on self, Michael ’s anger is actually abating, thank God (and Pearl!). (Though it does still rile back up when memories arise (like now), and when I hear about abuse happening to others).