Tuesday, 3/2/21
(For an explanation of the ‘Michael’ aspect of my psyche please see the ‘Cast of Characters in my Mind’ tab on the Home Page.)
Good day, good person! Have you been able to experience some blessings these last several days, whether receiving and/or giving them? I hope so, you deserve to.
Grace’s story continues . . .
There were some big, positive aspects to surviving Grace’s era, but it’s taking hindsight to see some of them.
Even though I wasn’t seeking a closer relationship with God, I now believe that because we were in church every weekend, and I was talking less with others and spending increasingly more time alone that I was able to intuit some sort of Divine guidance without being aware of it. Does that make sense? Perhaps having consistent exposure to spiritual teaching and not having the distractions of other’s advice left my spirit more receptive to ‘God-nudges’. I know God loves all of us equally and He has care and wisdom to impart to all of us, but if we can’t sense His quiet, gentle voice and ways then we can’t take advantage of His help in any of His guises. I believe that He kept me from committing suicide as well as running away when I felt the strong urge to do so. At the time those incidents happened I would just hate myself even more for not being able to follow through with them but now I’m so grateful. I have much to live for with an abundance of hope and a strong belief that there are innumerable blessings I am receiving and able to give as I become stronger in my faith in God and self. I’m also becoming progressively more capable of giving and receiving the love I’ve denied for so long. Back then, though, I had no idea so much good was waiting for me, had no ability to see past the pain and fear in the moment.
Part of last week’s post was about Grace’s desire to commit suicide but it didn’t mention she started to run away once. I don’t remember what precipitated it, just that it had to do with a sibling. I left the house and started marching up the dirt road with no money and just the clothes on my back. Questions of where to go, how to get there, etc., came to mind. Then I thought about my beloved pet rabbits and tried to figure out how to carry them safely if I went back to get them, but didn’t come up with a solution. Couldn’t abandon them to chance hoping someone would care for them the way they deserved, so I begrudgingly turned around and went back home. I felt so damn trapped. Now, with having worked with an anti sex trafficking group I see it’s probable that ‘the streets’ wouldn’t have been any kinder, and at home there was good food, shelter, medical care, school and friends.
I never did rebel much. I occasionally smoked the unfiltered cigarettes a friend of mine would filch from her mother and got a better buzz from those than the locally grown weed she’d occasionally share. I quit both of those by the time I was in my mid-teens. (Until a short stint in young adulthood, but more on that later [maybe]) I don’t recall drinking much alcohol but since that would have been something that could have been done around the abusers then it’s possible it did happen. My one ‘big’ (ahem:)) overt act of rebellion occurred during a church service when my mother told me I should stand up straighter. I thought, ‘Are you kidding? You don’t give a damn about what’s happening to me but you’re all concerned about whether or not I ‘look right’ for the church people? Tough!’ And I didn’t. I kinda wish I had though because I’d probably have better posture now.
As mentioned in the last post, when it came to relationships I felt increasingly alienated from even my best friends. I pushed all but one of them away after graduation. (That one friend, P., just would not take the hint 🙂 and we maintained a friendship into our mid-twenties. She’s also the friend from that era that I recently reconnected with and am so glad – we’re each other’s S.O.S – Sister of Spirit.)
When it came to boys, I can see where the dysfunctional ways I treat men now, began. As early as fifth grade, when I was supposedly ‘going with’ a boy I distinctly remember being positive he’d asked me to meet him, knowing I said ‘yes’, yet when the time came to get together I’d act like I was ‘just in the area’ as opposed to waiting for him. I doubted that he could really want to spend time with me and that led to wondering if I misunderstood what he meant when he asked to meet. Then when we did get together I wouldn’t let him get within five or six feet of me. Needless to say, the ‘relationship’ didn’t last long.
In the post “All Apologies, Part 1” (dated 12/28/20) is an expanded account of what happened with S. during our teen years. His family moved next door to us when I was twelve or thirteen years old. At first we got along so well, we’d talk for a couple hours at a time and my world would seem so much brighter because of him. Once I started trusting and caring about him, however, the ‘Michael’ in my psyche woke up and made damn sure I pushed away S.’s kindness and decency whenever he came close, no matter how much I had previously convinced myself I’d treat him better. I hated what I was doing to S. back then just as much as I hated doing it to Great Guy in the not-so-distant past. (I’m working on it!)
We’ll get into how my ability to relate to good people has changed in a future post, but I have to add this now because it’s something that’s been happening recently and it means so much to me. I’ve never told anybody about this, but for quite some time there have been two phrases I have craved to hear from those I’m learning to care about and one has been said to me several times by different people lately. I still go through phases where I push the good people in my life away, and in the last couple months I’ve acknowledged doing that to several of my friends, each individually. You know how they replied? They said they noticed and they ‘weren’t going anywhere’. They’re not going to let me push them away, can you believe that? I’m trying to. There are a couple tears leaking out in gratitude while typing this. I have longed for people to see through the defensiveness and to notice and/or remember I really do have a good heart underneath the verbal or posturing snarling I resort to at times. As these friends are showing what unconditional acceptance and love for me looks like, the defensive behaviors and self protective walls are crumbling more and more. I am also able to offer it to others in greater quantity, and quality. Thank you, friends (and God).
And thank you for reading/listening, it matters. I hope to meet with you again on Friday for the final installment of “Crawling from the Wreckage”. Be good to yourself please, you matter!
Today’s song is one I’ve loved since the first time I heard it many moons ago :). It’s ‘Love Alive’ by Heart. I’ve always appreciated it’s sentiment even though I didn’t follow it for too many years. So glad to be resurrecting the ability to love, and so grateful to have this song as a reminder to keep at it and never let it lapse again. (Lyrics are below the video.)
Love Alive The sky was dark this morning When I raised my head I stood at the window- darkness was my bane Suddenly a sunbeam arch Thrilled me to my weary heart It was the prettiest thing I'd ever seen I knew I had to keep my love Keep my love alive Keep my love- keep my love alive Baby I want you to roll me Hold me in your love No more habits, promises and jive Ever since I was a baby girl Wanted one thing most in this world It was to keep my love- keep my love alive I want to keep my love- keep my love alive Keep my love- keep my love alive You're up there under the spotlight Your silver trophy shines With all you got, my lord! you must get high You need a whole lot more than money You need more than to survive You gotta keep your love Keep your love alive! Songwriters: Roger Douglas Fisher / Nancy Lamoureaux Wilson / Ann Dustin Wilson
