Detours on the Way to Self-Awareness

Tues.  7/13/21

(This post could contain triggers for some people.)

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship and would like to get help, The National Domestic Violence Hotline is: 1-800-799-7233.

Beautiful day to you!  How are you doing?  

When you travel from one place to another, do you always go the same way?  Do you ever take a detour to someplace you may have lived or is significant to you in some way?  Do you ever end up somewhere you never planned to be, not sure how or why you got there, then realized it was where you were supposed to be?

Today’s post was originally being written about a different topic when it got derailed and this is what came out. Had no idea it was headed this way, and in the interest of emotional honesty, I’m gonna leave it ‘as is’. 

A couple of weeks ago I drove around to a few of the places I had lived at various times in my life, where there are still some unresolved issues, whether memories &/or emotions not acknowledged and processed yet.   I was hoping it would nudge more blurry or undefined intangibles still lurking in the darkness of my mind and heart that are still affecting some parts of my life in negative, defensive ways. 

Drove by the last house I lived in with the ex-husband.  Don’t know if he’s still there or not, don’t really care to be honest.  (Ex was mentally, emotionally, sometimes physically abusive, and would threaten my life.)  As I was getting closer to the house I started taking stock of how I was feeling. There was a revelatory moment when I felt the usual anger but there was also a deep fatigue that came with it.  I had already started the fast I’m still on (as explained in post dated 6/29/21) so was able to better understand it. 

The fast also helped me to see that in spite of the years that have gone by since the divorce, I still haven’t dealt with the fall out from that relationship.  Will get into this more in a later post, but I just always said, ‘it was never love’  and must’ve decided that meant there was nothing really to grieve.  But that fatigue showed me how much mental and emotional energy is being wasted by holding on to the anger and bitterness while simultaneously pushing down the sadness and more wounds the anger was hiding.  

Who knew?  

So having experienced the fatigue that comes from holding on, the anger had helped me to appreciate why forgiving is a big way I could regain some energy if I forgave and grieved.  It would also set me free(r) to receive and give love in a romantic sense.  

Huh, another realization is surfacing as this is being typed.   There’s still a ton of guilt and shame attached to the marriage.  Well, crap (in a good way???)  I’m feeling the shame, guilt and stupidity (as I thought of self) from that time so deeply.  Tears – both kinds, rending of whatever was left of my heart when ex and I met, and tear drops that are finally falling now, at times in torrents.  Don’t think this has happened before.   

Experiencing the shame of marrying someone who broke my nose a week or two before getting married, and I went ahead with it anyway clinging to the denial of ‘it was an accident’ in spite of his smirk when we talked about it with his friends and family.  It took several years of marriage before I’d let myself realize he was telling his family and friends that every time he unilaterally made a decision and they didn’t like it, he’d tell them it was my idea.  So, after the nose breaking incident when I told his family I was sure it was an accident, his mother said, “Sometimes a woman deserves to be hit.”   Hence, EX-hubby’s smirk.  

And then I chose to marry into that. 

When we first started dating I was in pretty good shape, physically.  Weighed what I should, always dressed well – usually high heels and skirts/dresses, with make-up and hair always in place.  I was f*d up inside with all that had happened earlier in life, but the effects were still somewhat latent since I hadn’t yet let myself stay in a relationship long enough to trigger the defenses.  Obviously hated myself sufficiently to get into such a f*d up relationship to begin with.   

He was like family in the respect that everyone told me what a wonderful guy he was, how lucky I was to be dating him.  And in the beginning, like most abusive relationships, it really did seem like a good match.  But then came, well, one aspect I’m not going to write about, but that in and of itself should’ve told me all I needed to know and gotten out then, if I had any sense of my true worth.  

Then I started to see such a darkness to him and that just cowed me instead of motivating me to run.  There was the time he said he would go canoeing, (I love to do stuff like that) so we borrowed a canoe from a male sibling of mine and went out for the day.  The whole time there was such an anger emanating from him,  but didn’t know why.  He kept looking at me with such contempt.  Kept trying to convince myself it wasn’t there – I couldn’t figure out what I had done, and he didn’t say anything. I was terrified of him.  He had been out drinking with his buddies the night before, so can only imagine what he told them and what they said about me since they didn’t like me, either.  

Anyway, we weren’t on the water long and we (he) decided to leave.  He put the canoe in his truck, unlocked his door, got in, and drove away.  I was left, my purse was in his truck, I had no money, nothing.  And, of course, there were other people at the lake witnessing my humiliation.   

It was a rural area, there was no store or anywhere to go to get help, and I was too ashamed to even look at the other people.  He did eventually return, probably thought he had to if he was going to return the canoe to my sibling and he wouldn’t look like such a swell guy if he returned the boat without me.  But when he came back to the boat launch he had that sadistic smile, and every time I’d approach the truck to get in he’d gun the engine and jerk the truck a little further out of reach so I had to keep trying to catch up to get in.  While other people were watching.

He never apologized for whatever he did throughout the relationship.  We’d just go back to acting like all was well, and that was all I thought I deserved.  

Of course he denigrated me, and many other incidents happened that showed me what he really felt about me, but he kept calling and I hated myself enough to continue the relationship.  I believed that was love, the kind I deserved, anyway.  

I started putting weight on as a (subconscious) form of self-protection.  He hated that, and when I would start a diet he would tell how pointless it was, I’d never get or keep the weight off.  So I’d listen to him, quit, and gave him one more reason to despise me.

He told me no one would ever want me, and at other times, if I left him it would be the last thing I’d ever do.

And I chose to marry him.

I have always loved rabbits and so when we were married, for my wedding gift, I asked for one. We went to a humane society and adopted ‘Norman’.  Not long after bringing Norman home, he ended up with a broken back. The vet was able to give him some sort of shot that may be able to help to heal him, and we brought him back home. 

I couldn’t figure out how it happened and decided one of the rougher neighborhood kids had gotten a hold of Norman when he was running around the fenced in back yard when we weren’t looking.  

Wouldn’t allow myself to understand the smirk on ex’s face when I talked about how the rabbit must’ve had his back broken. 

One night, after we went to bed we remembered that Norman, who was mostly an indoor pet, hadn’t been put into his space and was still hopping around in the main part of the house.  Ex said he’d take care of it, which shocked me since him offering to anything like that was not normal.  

After a few minutes I couldn’t figure out what was taking so long and decided to investigate.

The ex had Norman in his hands and was breaking his back again.

And I stayed.  

Do you understand why I’m glad we never had children?  Can you imagine what would’ve happened to them?

We eventually brought a dog, ‘B’, into the mess, ‘B’ weighed in at over 100 pounds.  I loved that dog, and he loved me and was very loyal.  When ex would act aggressive towards ‘B’, he’d run away.  (Ex was beating him at times).  But when ex would come towards me, ‘B’ would make damn sure he’d get between us and was all over ex, keeping him away, without biting him.  

I left ‘B’ with ex when I finally worked up the courage to leave.

This post is long enough.   Next Tuesday will be about how I got out of that hell – it was completely God.   Meanwhile, have a boat load of tears to cry.  And a ton of gratitude to cultivate into a greater yield.  

Thank You, God, for getting me out of that mess.  Once I work through this pain, I’ll truly be free of him.  Finally.

Please don’t let me go, God, and please wait for me, he who God has for me.  I’m worth the wait,  and so are you.

And once again, I am sorry to those I’ve hurt because I couldn’t heal fast enough.  I only wanted to show I cared, consistently.  Someday very soon, I can.

When the hubby was out of the house there were days I’d just sit on the floor at the end of the bed and listen to this song, “Trapped”,  by Bruce Springsteen, over and over and over again.  I love the words,  “I’ll teach my eyes to see, beyond these walls in front of me, and I know someday I’ll walk out of here again”, those words and the whole beginning gave such hope even though I didn’t recognize that at the time.  Still love this song, but can’t listen to it without feeling the heaviness, seeming impossibility of getting out of that relationship.  BUT WITH GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

I’ll be writing something new, creative, for Friday’s post. Looking forward to meeting with you then. In the meantime, I hope you’re cultivating and growing your own self worth if you need to. You deserve to, too.