10/13/23
(This post could cause triggers for some.)
Hello Brave One,
What did you do this week that you were scared to do, but you turned the volume of your faith and courage up higher and did it anyway?
I’ve been working on so many different things lately, really pushing myself out of the chains of ‘comfort zone’. To be honest (as usual) – there are times I’d rather to hide in a corner, under a blanket and suck my thumb!
But then I remember (usually after an impressive pity party, snit fit &/or potato chip binge!:))
I can borrow the strength of Jesus to me through. Let’s see if He pulls me through the next several weeks – He’s got His work cut out for Him!
To add to that, the hardness that’s still left in my heart is becoming softer, more caring. Trying to keep faith that the fears that reveal their selves when more of the of the heart is cracking open are just lies being revealed, not reasons to give up on the hope I have for experiencing love to the fullest in all of it’s forms, including romantic.
Was discussing this with my therapist yesterday. In spite of how far I’ve come, there’s still some of that, ‘I’m not worthy to be loved like I deserve, and accomplish all I know God has for me’ ‘tude still lingering in the psyche.
God’s been dealing with the (mis)belief that nothing good would ever come to me willingly, so I have to chase everything down and prove to it all I’m perfect enough to receive it. But when I do get close, shame still whispers its insidious lies that I’ll never be good enough so I might as well quit.
It’s kinda terrifying to stop running so hard after everything and letting what’s rightfully mine come to me instead, without giving up hope. What if all I’ve been believing for really doesn’t think I’m worth coming for?
What if I never do?
SO appreciative of a God who keeps reminding me of the promises He’s whispered into my heart over the course of time, and that He always keeps His word. He’s holding the promises until I, and anybody else involved, are ready. I know I’m getting so close, and am already here in some cases.
Thank You, God.
I came across an older post that addressed this issue and as it turns out, I already have the answers of ‘why am I still doing this’, inside of me, and how to heal from it. Just needed to be reminded and keep learning on a deeper level.
Even though this next part is about a specific issue, the answer for that is also the perfect antidote for the other doubts that have been rearing up.
Here’s part of that post; it’s been edited to reflect my growth since it was originally written.
(For more of a description of who LP, EP and Great Guy are, please refer to the ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the home page)
Figuring out how to be this newly forming version of self certainly isn’t always smooth sailing, and as with all new behaviors a person can go from one extreme to another until they figure it out for their self. So very grateful for the people who are tolerant of this phase of the growth process; I get that it’s not easy on them, either.
I’ve also had – not sure how to describe it – but an answer? to a question I’ve been asking myself and God for a while now: Why is it, even with all the breakthroughs, healing, growth and learning to appreciate self, do I still struggle with believing I’m worthy of and trusting someone like Great Guy (GG)? And why do I still push other good males away even though they aren’t the threat to my heart like he is?
I was talking to a good friend of mine, E., who’s a spiritual mentor/mother. She offered to pray for me over the phone, and as she did I closed my eyes and tried to relax and allow the comfort to permeate the anxiety.
As she prayed this image came to mind: Me at present age (A.K.A. Elder Pearl, ‘EP’), was looking over the shoulder of Jesus. He was holding baby me, Little Pearl (LP) at maybe 8 or 9 months of age.
LP was sobbing and screaming in pain and terror. EP could feel the physical pain of internal bruising that would have been inflicted when LP was being sexually abused, and in a muted way was feeling LP’s horror, sense of betrayal, terror, and completely shattered trust.
EP knew LP had already experienced similar abuses at least several times previously.
Jesus was patiently and gently trying to comfort her, to let LP know He had no intention of hurting her. But even at that young of an age LP/I couldn’t trust Him because of the pain the others (I was supposed to have been able to trust) had inflicted.
EP knew Jesus wasn’t going to wound her like the others, and He was sincerely trying to show LP He genuinely cared, and is safe. EP could sense LP’s fear of what she thought He was going to do to her, and she couldn’t be convinced otherwise.
I don’t claim to know if was an actual memory or more of a generic visual/feeling representation and way of learning how deep and how far back the fear and mistrust of men goes. But then add to that all the abuse that happened during the ensuing years and I can better understand why this is taking so long to heal.
And I can better appreciate how incredibly strong children who experience trauma are. I had perceived myself as being so weak to not have been able to protect myself in any way, but honestly, why do we survivors think it’s our own character flaw that we were so vulnerable and couldn’t stop what was being done to us by people who were so much bigger? And mean?
I’m realizing more and more, it’s time to give ourselves all the credit we deserve for being strong enough to survive.
When I consider how much pain and anger there was, and how far back and deep it goes, I’m amazed at what has already been worked through.
What’s left that still deserves healing, especially as it pertains to the hope of being able to allow myself to believe in, receive from and give love to the right man, becomes less overwhelming and seemingly impossible. I still don’t know how I can heal the rest of this, but I do know Who can (and has already brought me so far), my only hope and yet the greatest hope, Jesus.
When I remind myself what He’s already done, I can better understand how much greater He IS, and faith in His promises and all He’s doing to prepare me for them, grows.
I KNOW VICTORY IS MINE.
Hal-le-lu-jah!
And if you’re struggling with anything, I declare and share my God given VICTORY with you – there’s more than enough to go around for all of us, and as God knows, we’re all worthy.
Looked up songs about rising above trauma and found this gem, “Rise” by Katy Perry. Hope it inspires you, too, if you need it! (Lyrics are under the video (provided I remember to copy them!)
Rise I won't just survive Oh, you will see me thrive Can't write my story I'm beyond the archetype I won't just conform No matter how you shake my core 'Cause my roots, they run deep, oh Oh, ye of so little faith Don't doubt it, don't doubt it Victory is in my veins I know it, I know it And I will not negotiate I'll fight it, I'll fight it I will transform When, when the fire's at my feet again And the vultures all start circling They're whispering, you're out of time But still, I rise This is no mistake, no accident When you think the final nail is in, think again Don't be surprised, I will still rise I must stay conscious Through the madness and chaos So I call on my angels They say Oh, ye of so little faith Don't doubt it, don't doubt it Victory is in your veins You know it, you know it And you will not negotiate Just fight it, just fight it And be transformed 'Cause when, when the fire's at my feet again And the vultures all start circling They're whispering, you're out of time But still, I rise This is no mistake, no accident When you think the final nail is in, think again Don't be surprised, I will still rise Don't doubt it, don't doubt Oh, oh, oh, oh You know it, you know it Still rise Just fight it, just fight it Don't be surprised, I will still rise Source: LyricFind Songwriters: Ali Payami / Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson / Max Martin / Savan Harish Kotecha Rise lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Cloud9, Downtown Music Publishing, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Songtrust Ave, Warner Chappell Music, Inc
