Tuesday, 4/6/21
Hello Beautiful person, how are you doing?
Today’s questions are . . .
Have you ever been overly grateful for a simple, kind gesture? And/or, Have you ever felt a sense of impending doom without knowing why?
I experience both of these scenarios frequently and think that they, along with the self condemnation and over apologizing written about last week, all work together to create a rather unique and yet still valuable individual. (Me, that is, in case you didn’t get that :), and you, too, whether you participate in ‘codependent gratitude’ or not :))
Every morning when I’m first waking up there is initially the belief ‘all is o.k. in my world’. Then frequently an overwhelming sense of ‘oh crud, I can’t handle life, there’s no one to help, HOW WILL I SURVIVE? AND DO I REALLY WANT TO ANYWAY?’ immediately overtakes my mind. (What a way to start the day, eh?) I recently realized and wrote about how that’s how I felt as a child and throughout my (now defunct) marriage and it became a habitual thought process (that’s being changed).
A few days ago I was listening to a talk by Joyce Meyer, one of my favorite speakers on spirituality and being a survivor of persistent childhood sexual abuse. She described ‘evil forebodings’ and it sounds exactly like those morning thoughts mentioned above. She said that they are not necessarily based in present day truth or predictions of what will come, rather they could be leftover feelings from past traumatic events.
I started thinking about how ‘evil forebodings’ and self condemnation often lead to codependent gratitude. Do you know what I mean by ‘codependent gratitude’ (c.g.)? It’s being ridiculously appreciative of kind or thoughtful gestures other people normally offer. I practice c.g. frequently, sometimes to my own detriment. An example of this could be pulled from the “Self Condemnation” post from last week, when the guy from the gym didn’t judge me for over apologizing for an imaginary tiff that was conjured up in my self-condemning mind. His (and other people’s) tolerance for my foibles evoke a strong sense of thankfulness because I rarely received that sort of acceptance from family, ex husband, and self. And I still experience a bit of disapproval from others because all I’ve survived has made me ‘different’ and therefore unacceptable to them. So when I’m treated with genuine respect and compassion an actual teardrop or two of gratitude may be shed.
There was a time not so long ago when I would react to kindness in even more extreme ways by perhaps thanking the person profusely over and over, or repeatedly giving back much more than I received because of minimizing what I did to show them appreciation the first several times. As I’m sure you can imagine, these overreactions can make the recipients quite uncomfortable. (Not saying I’ve completely changed this behavior yet – as you know I am a ‘work in progress’.:)) The ‘evil forebodings’ contribute to this, too, because I’ll feel they must be a predictor of what’s coming up. For example, those feelings will cause me to jump to the conclusion that the contractors that are coming to work on the abode I’m living in must be charlatans so when they ‘surprise’ me with being on time and doing a good job like most do, I want to throw roses at their feet and continuously laud them.
Another aspect to practicing c.g. comes from spending so much of life surrounded by people who had no inkling that I might have value, and how that effected me. There are times when someone in my life hasn’t been getting the appreciation they deserve so I’ll project my own exaggerated sense of being undervalued onto them and then overcompensate in a subconscious effort to heal my own issues through them.
I’m also generous with tips and random acts of kindness because I want others to feel noticed in a positive way and to give them a sense of ‘worthiness to receive good.’.
A friend of mine recently sent me flowers on two different occasions because I complimented her and sincerely apologized for something I did that hurt her feelings. She’s repeatedly doing things like that for others.
So much of what is written about in this blog comes from seeing some of my own good intentioned yet misguided behavior in others. I’m reaching out to them, and you if the shoe fits, to let them know we all deserve to receive and embrace the goodness in our lives. We are not too ‘different’ to be understood, accepted, and loved.
A heartfelt thank you to Joyce Meyer, Bishop T.D. Jakes, Steven Furtick and so many others who make it their life’s mission to help us heal emotional and spiritual wounds so we, too, can learn how to love well and live our lives to the fullest. God bless you all. Amen!
Looking forward to meeting with you here on Friday! I hope you notice and receive some delightful blessings during this time. You deserve them.
Lord knows, I’ve made a lot of mistakes over time and have no doubt will continue to do so throughout life. Something I can appreciate is that we are all worth the effort it takes to learn from our blunders and then move on to (hopefully!) do a better job next time we try. Today’s song is “Dog and Butterfly” by Heart, which so gracefully describes the beauty of trying.
"Dog And Butterfly" Heart There I was with the old man Stranded again so off I'd ran A young world crashing around me No possibilities of getting what I need He looked at me and smiled Said "No, no, no, no, no child. See the dog and butterfly. Up in the Air he like to fly." Dog and butterfly Below she had to try. She roll back down To the warm soft ground laughing She don't know why, she don't know why Dog and butterfly Well I stumbled upon your secret place Safe in the trees you had tears on your face Wrestling with your desires frozen strangers Stealing your fires. The message hit my mind Only words that I could find See the dog and butterfly Up in the air he like to fly Dog and butterfly below she had to try She roll back down to the warm soft ground Laughing to the sky, up to the sky Dog and butterfly We're getting older the world's getting colder For the life of me I don't know the reason why Maybe it's livin' making us give in Hearts rolling in taken back on the tide We're balanced together ocean upon the sky Another night in this strange town Moonlight holding me light as down Voice of confusion inside of me No begging to go back where I'm free Feels like I'm through Then the old man's words are true See the dog and butterfly Up in the air he like to fly Dog and butterfly, below she had to try She roll back down to the warm soft Ground with a little tear in her eye She had to try, she had to try Dog and butterfly See the dog and butterfly Up in the air he like to fly Dog and butterfly below she had to try She roll back down to the warm soft ground Laughing to the sky, up to the sky Dog and butterfly c. Written by Ann Wilson, Nancy Wilson, Susan Ennis Source: LyricFind
