3/10/23
Hi Brave Person –
Have you ever faced and overcame a fear? Care to mention in the comment section how you did it?
If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time then you know I have quite a collection of angsty issues that I work on being freed of. I’ve conquered quite a few over the years but I have a tendency to forget that because I’m usually focusing on what still needs to be done.
Some fears are lessening in their intensity but still here, so I always appreciate it when someone I know I can trust is nearby, perhaps in the peripheral, even if I haven’t yet been able to fully and consistently receive and reach out for what they’re offering; getting there, though. (Huzzah!)
Seeing someone who cares means so much; helps me to believe I’m not in those fears alone anymore, ya know? I’m so appreciative of the patience and understanding (usually!) exhibited as I’m learning to nurture the emerging vulnerable parts of my heart back to life, faith, love, and trust.
What’s pretty darn cool is, right now I’m smiling just thinking about how much progress is being made in this area, and I am sooo grateful and excited to be learning to LIVE and LOVE fully, if imperfectly!
One of the bigger fears that’s being conquered is agoraphobia. Used to be so apprehensive of going out of the house, mainly due to the dread of being noticed. It wasn’t so bad if I would be on my own or with one of my dogs, but Lord, I hated it if there was a possibility of another human seeing me, or worse yet, coming into that huge circle around me of a ‘BACK OFF, BUCKY’ boundary.
Now, there are still days when I really don’t want to go out into the world so I usually find a reason to on a daily basis in order to not get stuck there. Can still struggle with standing still and allowing someone close enough to have a coherent conversation with. ‘Coherent’ isn’t always possible due to dissociation, and I feel ashamed when that happens so I still try to avoid chatting at times, but keep trying.
Pushed at that fear of connecting with the man who intimidates my heart so much when I saw him walking in my general direction. Had several minutes to fully realize who it was and to allow the initial fear based reaction of running away to calm down. That led to my brain being capable of staying in the present moment instead of dissociating, then was able to move towards him with intention. He never did look my way though. (Drat!).
(Sigh) Maybe next time. 🙂
In any case, it was a significant step forward. And as I look back at the progress being made in all areas of breaking free from the angst of the past, there are times when I can make a move in courage, and others when I can’t; it’s not a consistent trajectory up, and that’s ok. I can’t and won’t let the backsliding be the final say in whether I keep making my mind/heart/life whole. (And please, don’t let it stop you from working on whatever may need healing in your life, ok?)
A couple areas that have also seen some significant progress in overcoming fears are allowing memories of childhood hells to surface and working through them (well, some of them anyway- a work in progress on that one), and allowing myself to feel the emotions that are thawing after decades of being mostly frozen. (That’s been quite the ordeal; they were so initially so ‘Tsunami’ like and overwhelming. Thank Heavens they’re becoming increasingly more stabilized!)
Piggly-backing on those victories is how I’m reacting to emotional triggers. Been having quite a few of those lately and am learning to at some point remember to just breathe, deeply, and say “yes, God” instead of fighting them; that really lightens their impact.
Thanks to Joyce Meyer’s teachings, I’m also learning feelings aren’t necessarily facts and I don’t have to let my life being ruled by them. That’s quite the revelation and it’s so empowering when I remember to hope beyond the knee-jerk fear and ‘can’t do’ feelings.
I’m getting stronger at being in front of people, even when there’s a camera. One of the traumatic aspects of childhood was having to perform sex acts with males of the human (not humane) race in front of others hooting and hollering, as well as being forced to participate in child sexually abusive material. So when I took part in a Zoom conference recently with Women At Risk International (WAR), there was a bit of angst leading up to and after it. Not so sure I did well but I did do it.
Rebecca McDonald, the founder of WAR and the host of the event, is such an amazingly strong yet nurturing woman. I just kept looking to her with her understanding, accepting and compassionate ways to feel safe enough to get through it.
Even though these talks are open to the public not that many people usually attend these conferences; I didn’t see how many did this time, nor who they were. I couldn’t read any comments. Rebecca monitors those and would read the pertinent questions and comments out loud. I think that’s one way she protects her guests; if there is anything inappropriate or could be a trigger she won’t mention it. I’m pretty sure the peoples’ questions and responses are almost always thoughtful, kind and encouraging.
A viewer even took the time afterwards to write a positive review of the meeting. It was mostly about how the event was handled, that it was a safe and sacred place for a survivor to be so vulnerable and honest in. That’s so true so thank you, Rebecca, for it being that way because of your (and your employees’) faith and all of you just being your true, loving selves.
I’ll be facing a couple of huge fears on a couple of weeks with the next human trafficking awareness seminar we’re organizing. I’ll be giving a talk (I choose to believe those will become easier over time :)) and also playing guitar accompanied by couple of other people.
The first person I would’ve chosen to work with does both, plays guitar and sings but as I learned last time, works on Saturdays and therefore wouldn’t be available. I’m so grateful to be working with these two people as they’re both fun to work with. My friend Kaitlin (the vocalist and one of the other speakers for the seminar) and I have been working with my oh-so-patient guitar teacher. He’s had his hands full teaching both of us how to play well with others for our first time! We’ll see what happens; hoping we all keep a sense of humor while performing the song. (Kaitlin and I have never performed in front of a group of people before, either!) (Yikes! Tell me I can do this!)
I don’t know if anyone is ever fully free of fear but I believe we can learn (and act like!:)) it doesn’t have the final say. Faith does, if we focus on and grow that, and allow it to become greater.
Thank you for the opportunity to focus on and write about some positives here! The goal of this blog is to be honest about the healing path of a trafficking survivor, and I can forget that honesty includes the good things, too.
Hope you have a wonderful week and to meet with you here again in a few days!
Have you ever heard the saying, “I’m so far behind, I think I’m first?” (I still get a laugh out of it!) Well, that’s kinda my life right now; I have no doubt this post could do with a bit more editing, and I can’t think of a good song to go with this post right off hand. (Any suggestions? :)) But I wanna get it posted so I can (take a nap first 🙂 and) get caught up on a couple other things. I hope it’s at least understandable and I ask for your grace that it may not be up to par.
