Tues. 1/19/21
Welcome! Thank you for being here – always happy to meet with you.
I mentioned in a recent post about how the depth of what I am actually feeling has been deepening substantially lately, and wow! It’s a good God thing, I know, but who knew (well you, probably!) how much emotion one being can experience. It helps me appreciate, first of all, the extent to which they’ve been controlling me in a subconscious way, and secondly, how well others can live their lives while having full access to their emotions. I’ll be able to do that, too, right??? Soon, preferably???
I just had a revelation . . .
I frequently cannot make lasting decisions. Whatever I strongly believe in today, like a way to do something or a path to take in life, by tomorrow or the next day (or next hour or minute) an equally strong conviction pops up that contradicts the first. In some areas of life I haven’t been making much progress because my feet seem to be going in different directions, metaphorically speaking. A significant reason is because of my mind being ‘splintered’. (See post titled ‘Dissociation’, dated 10/14/20 for explanation). The part of my psyche that is most active in the moment is the one that makes a decision, and when another splinter comes to prominence it has its own opinion, etc. and I change directions (once again) to line up with that new perspective. Needless to say, I don’t get very far with all the zigs, zags, and quickly aborted attempts.
I’m now realizing the divisions of psyche contribute substantially to the emotional ‘whiplash’ too. L.P. is more needy, she yearns for good, safe people to hold onto, to genuinely love, trust and take care of her. Michael is angrier, defensive and more controlling, while Grace just wants to be left alone and will walk away from anyone or anything she perceives as a threat, especially to her heart, no matter how much she wants to stay. Then there’s E.P., me, supposedly grown up Pearl who (in theory) is in charge but in reality, all these different psychological factions act like kittens, I guess you could say. Have you heard the idiom about how attempting to do something difficult is like ‘trying to round up kittens’? (If you’ve ever tried to get a scattered herd of them to one spot and have them stay there then you know it’s virtually impossible!:)) Anyway, that’s kind of how the emotional aspects of my psyche act like. They’re divided up into the different splinters, and they’re frequently running amok because they’re coming from four distinct sources. I can’t get control of them because they’re playing hide and seek, bouncing back and forth between the factions. On top of that, when they remain just under the surface of conscious they can’t be identified so I can’t figure out how to deal with them. So, they end up controlling me.
My therapist and I believe the exaggerated confusion and depth of the emotions I’m experiencing now is because of the integration of one or more of the splintered parts of psyche. As their individual feelings are merging the emotions are becoming much deeper and more deeply felt.
As difficult as it is to be experiencing this, it’s a hopeful symptom of healing (or so I tell myself :). The lovely cornucopia of segregated emotions of pain, anger, shame, fear and terror, confusion, as well as faith, love, trust, joy, peace, etc., are now being rounded up and merging into a shattered heart (and mind) that’s being beautifully restructured. I’m praying (and so are my prayer warriors) that at least part of this sensory overload and life long confusion will (finally) be processed and healed. Yaaaaaay! Now just keep praying I’ll survive it, please!
For a week or so I was at that desperate point where I had been feeling so much pain and confusion, and seriously doubting everybody and everything. I was trying not to let the nightmares take me further into the soul-storms that the emerging memories and merging emotions created. There was fear of sinking back into the damn chasm I’ve been spending so much time and energy attempting to claw my way out of. I didn’t want to resort to dysfunctional ways of dealing with it all (not completely successful, but it could’ve been worse). There was a particularly rough night when I was battling the deepest fears, pain, and confusion with prayer and begging God for some sort of sign I was on the right track, going through and doing everything for a purpose. The next day a member of my tribe from the first visit to Onsite Workshops last year texted me out of the blue. ‘H’ told me exactly what I needed affirmed without knowing what was going on. Then while still struggling a couple of days later I called one of my warrior friends who commenced to pray with such intensity that my heart felt it and I was crying for so many different reasons while trying to praise God with her. Afterward in my mind’s (heart’s?) eye I saw my hand reaching up out of the roiling ocean/chasm I’ve been floundering in, and a second hand came down from above to grab a hold of my wrist as I grabbed a hold of His.
“. . . Faith holds out until Grace declares, “They will not win, I prevail”. Their chains are breaking because I’m learning – I am worthy, Love prevails.” Thank You, God.
And thank you so very much to Naomi from TBN Prayer Line for so graciously praying me out of a nightmare, H for listening to your intuition and texting the affirmation I needed, and to E.. for pulling me through this round with your faith and love. I hope you all know the world is a better place because you’re in it.
I’ll be here Friday and hope you will too!
I’m revisiting the poem “Picking up the Pieces / Pearl, Unchained” which was already used in this blog. (It’s the opening post in “A Prelude to Pearl, Unchained”.) It was written over the course of several decades. It’s an autobiography even though I haven’t yet lived out the last couple of stanzas – they’re promises I’m holding God (and myself) accountable to.
Picking Up the Pieces Staring into darkness, watching shadows fall - empty heartbeats echo down the dark and endless hall. Starry dreams are crumbling, crashing quietly to the ground, only to be trampled on then yearning to be found. Fractured psyche, broken trust, leaving only fear, Shredded heart, silent screams, crying without tears. All the times, all the lies, all the damned illusions - 'Loving’ people cast my chains with all their damn perversions. Where’d it start? Who can tell? Does it really matter? The time has passed, it’s moving on, having left the tatters. And now’s it’s time to let it go, drop it to the floor; Do what it takes to stop the bleed, blocking out the core. So dark descends and night has come to take me in it’s folds, And deep inside now I know there’s nothing left to hold. That one way mirror finally cracked, a million tiny pieces Perhaps in time, a two way mirror may rise from all the pieces. In time came marriage masquerading as love, for his dysfunction called to my self-loathing but when God’s whisper became greater than the threats, I let Him lead me out. It was time to mend. Pearl, Unchained (Coda to ‘Pieces’) Been picking up the pieces with much hope, tumult and doubt Just trying to figure out how to make it all count. Mosaics have beauty when they’re put together right and Stained glass glows gently if it forgives the night Years go by and hell still lingers, imprinted in my mind but something greater has displaced its stature and I find Faith holds on ‘til Grace declares: “They will NOT win, I prevail”. Their chains are breaking because I’m learning, I AM worthy. LOVE prevails. c. Pearl M.
