5/6/26
Good Day Mortal Angel –
How’re you doing?
What was a time when you were presented with several similar situations that could be considered opposing, yet they were needed to complete a growth opportunity?
Not so sure that’s explained well :). So here’s several recent experiences I’m pretty certain were a ‘tag team’ of life lessons and healing. Maybe they’ll prompt you to recognize a similar situation for yourself?
A friend and I were walking along a beautiful waterway when we were ‘accosted’ by a Canadian goose. He was probably protecting a nest we didn’t see, but in the moment all I perceived was aggression. I was laughing so hard at my own irrational fear and ineptitude in figuring out how to circumvent a hissing, wing flapping goose stretching himself as tall as he could. He was positioned in front of an exit from the platform we were on. With being substantially sized myself, waving my arms high up in the air while trying to send an ‘I got no ill intent’ vibe, I’d thought he could’ve at least humored us and pretended to be intimidated and concede a gracious exit, but nooooo.
While remembering this moment my death certificate dances before my eyes with the cause of death: Fowl play.
Thankfully a couple of other women soon walked near and when I laughingly warned them about the dangerous beast, one lady said she had geese at home and was able to scootch passed him. While he was distracted by her, my friend and I made our escape unscathed. Well, except for ego; that had a few dents in it.
I still grin and tee-hee a little when thinking about this, and thank God for providing an escape. From a goose. Ahem . . .
So it was kind of ironic when only a couple days later there was a second bird incident. A beautiful, black colored bird was sitting in the middle of a roadway while cars were driving so close to her.
I had to stop of course. Grabbed something to wrap my hands in before picking the chick up to take it across the street, where its sibling was lounging on the grass.
What happened next was so cool. As I so gently wrapped my hands around the fledgling she stretched out her long black wings and started flapping. She was able to rise up and fly to where the other bird was before landing softly.
Because of my position of crouching over her when she flew off she was directly in my line of vision for a moment. She was so close it was as if her wings were mine and I was the one lifting off and soaring; what an incredible feeling! I felt light, transcendent, and free. Wanted to stand there and wallow in the moment but there were several cars patiently waiting for the rescue mission to be completed. I scrambled back into my vehicle and quickly got out of their way.
I hope to remember that image and sensation of soaring when I’m struggling to believe life is starting to lift off after years of grounded healing work and preparation. It’s time.
And while I can be excited about this next phase, I don’t know how or where God’s taking me.
Like for that goose, life and people can be terrifying at times. We – well, me anyway – can get triggered and become defensive before considering no ill will was intended.
Or getting excited when considering the possibilities as I continue to grow a better heart-sense of how God sees me. But confidence, joy and peace are still so foreign to me they can evoke a strong ‘imposter syndrome’ that tries to keep me convinced I’ll never be capable, or worthy, of what’s coming. So I’ve pushed some good opportunities away with insecurity, discomfort and fear.
I understand so well how someone explained this recently: It’s like, if we have fun or move forward in life, we’re being disloyal to that part of us that hasn’t healed yet and has been abandoned so often. We feel like we’re one more person who’s leaving this terrified, young, vulnerable part of our past behind to helplessly defend and barely survive whatever hell it’s about to face. Again.
But that hurt child isn’t healing if she stays rooted that past pain. Gotta keep reassuring her she’s not being left behind; she’s growing up and moving forward with me.
Another incident happened a week or so before the bird encounters that I’m just now realizing are part of this ongoing life lesson.
I was imagining what a loving romantic relationship would look like.
I was using Biblical principles of how a man loves his woman like Christ loved the church. He values her, is protective and cherishes her, wants to guide and build her up. The woman does the same for him while knowing she’s safe, secure, her opinions and what she does matters. They’re honest, faithful to God and each other, trustworthy, supportive, enjoy each other and have fun.
I’ve imagined it a few times before but this time it came to a screeching halt when the thought came barging in: “Not for you, whore.”
Whoa!That was a first for that sort of condemnation on a conscious level, and helps me to understand more of the shame that’s been percolating underneath. It’s one more aspect to what has been influencing so much of the self-sabotaging behavior in all aspects of life.
And this is why, if a survivor truly wants to change, they need to intentionally do more than just keep piling more fake smiley face bandages on top of oozing, infected, bleeding, heart and mental wounds.
I see so many good people with beautiful hearts deeply desiring a better life, and who still believe they’re not worthy of the prayer, time and effort required to truly heal. Whether we can acknowledge it or not, we don’t believe we deserve any better than the life we’re not satisfied with, and keep covering up and anesthetizing the dissatisfaction in various ways. We sometimes respond more positively and passively to setbacks and anger directed at us, than to encouragement, love and moving forward with imperfect perseverance.
I keep praying, literally, all survivors realize our value and begin, and/or continue on, our own healing journeys no matter how daunting it can be at times. We’re worthy, you know?
After the ‘whore’ revelation I initially focused on that instead of what could displace that lie. Thankfully, I’ve been in the Bible and journaling with Jesus long enough to know what God thinks of us, and began reminding myself of that truth instead. Have been replacing the lies of shame and unearned guilt with: “I Am fearfully and wonderfully made”. (Psalm 139:14) The Creator who is, and creates only, Love, Light, and Beauty created me, too: “So God created people in His own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female, He created them.” (Genesis 1:27) And if we feel we are beyond redemption by our own and/or others’ sins: “To put off your old self which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:22-24).
There’s a reason why The Bible is called God’s love letter to us.
And here’s yet another lesson God is bringing out of this trio of experiences.
I’ve often had an image randomly pop up in my mind of what seemed like presenting my wrists to God, and never knew why. I’d just see my arms stretched before me, inner arms turned up and no hands visible.
Many years ago I tried art therapy and loved it. One of the first assignments was to draw a self portrait. There was a lot more to the picture that ended up being more disturbing in what it revealed than what I had consciously tried to convey. One of those elements was, I had no hands or feet. The picture revealed how much of a victim I had become, believing I had no power, recourse or ability to defend or escape when someone was preying on me.
In the past week, after that second bird incident I also realized how much I hate my hands and have kind of dissociated them from my body. Not only in those images with God, and in that picture, but in actual life since differing parts of them are almost always numb to some degree, in spite of doing stretching exercises for them. I’ve also thought they’re too weak to do much good.
After recognizing this, first thing God seemed to be whispering into my heart was: “Pearl, I’ve been holding on to many of your blessings because even though you’re reaching out for what you want, you can’t hold onto it. One aspect to your ‘lack of hands’ symbolizes an inability to grasp what’s coming for you.”
I’m also learning they’ve been associated with doing ‘bad’, in terms of what they were forced to do during the hell of the child sex trafficking/abusive material/abuse, and how ineffective they were in defending myself and others. And that mis-belief has been informing my inactions, sense of powerlessness, and negative self image all these years.
So in ways and timing only God could provide, the next thoughts were: “Pearl, you’ve done so much good with them, too. Like for that fledgling that was in the middle of the road. Your hands were so very gentle as you picked her up. Instead of trying to control her by holding too tight, they gave her wings the room and ability to spread, and let her fly away.”
And that’s led to acknowledging some of the ways I’ve served and helped others with them, and they have more power in them to do good than I previously gave them credit for.
It’s kinda amazing how, when we’re asking, and ready, to move into deeper levels of learning or healing it’s as if God has been waiting for that invitation. Incidents we could dismiss as mere random experiences can become opportunities for His curative lessons.
What’s a seemingly random experience that’s happened for you recently, mortal angel? Were you able to take the time to consider if there was an opportunity for deeper knowledge, or healing?
Thank You God, for the innumerable, gentle ways you provide for edification of heart, mind and spirit to know our own immutable value in You, as we’re ready. Please give us the promptings to look for, remember, and make the most of it all, and to share them as encouragement for others.
In Jesus name and love, Amen.
These posts are getting increasingly harder to write as I’m getting more in touch with my vulnerable, softening heart. There’s so much trepidation that comes with sharing this stuff with others. This post took about ten days to write; I pray, somewhere, somehow, and someway, it’s beneficial for someone.
Amen.