Wed. 9/1/21
(For explanation on who Grace is, please use ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the home page.)
Hello Good Person! How are you doing today? What’s the last thing you did to help make someone else’s day shine? Didn’t it feel good, kinda pick you up, too?
Don’t know why I asked those questions, not so sure they have anything to do with today’s post. But I will say, I have learned to love to do ‘random acts of kindness’, especially when I’m feeling ‘less than’ in any way. Used to just wonder when/if someone was going to do something for me, but honestly, if someone did do something kind I often didn’t notice, or if I did, I’d soon forget in the perpetual avalanche of negativity. (By golly, I musta been so much fun to be around! Thank you (me), Pearl, for choosing to heal and grow instead staying that angry, bitter, miserable ole self!)
In all honesty, though, I do revisit that lovely (ahem) mind set sometimes. It’s still too easy and comfortable place to go, apparently. I just stay there for shorter periods of time, thank God!
This past week has been a wide variety of experiences, causing grief, growth, gratefulness, and let’s see if any other feelings that start with ‘G’ come up as I write this. 🙂
A couple of weeks ago I remembered that I used to refer to a part of my psyche as ‘Penelope’. Not sure if she’s the same as ‘Grace’ since I named Grace not too long before I started writing this blog, or if Penelope has her own secrets of what she’s survived that she’s ready to reveal.
Since remembering Penelope there have been a couple of times when I’ve blurted out sentences like ‘please don’t do that to me’ in a very whiny, victim type voice. I’ve had another memory of abuse emerge, and there’s also been more feelings and reactions stemming from that sense of abandonment and just knowing that no one had anything good for me. That wasn’t necessarily true as I did have good friends, maybe teachers, and perhaps others that cared about me, but due to being traumatized so much all I could perceive was threats and rejection.
I’ve been doing a lot of driving to avoid staying in one place long enough to feel, and eating a bit too much in order to bury emotions, so I know there’s more painful memories emerging.
On the very ‘up’ side to this, there has been massive growth in how I’m handling it now. Been able to say ‘no’ to self-harm urges and other dysfunctional behaviors to cope, and switch to affirming myself when I realize I’m denigrating me like ‘they’ used to.
I’m appreciating more and more the strength I had back then just to exist, and am so grateful to Little Pearl, Grace, Michael, and now Penelope for choosing to splinter off in order to survive. Thanking God, too, for giving me the courage and faith to go on living when I really didn’t want to. Like I’ve said many a time throughout this blog, I KNOW my life is improving exponentially, and I’m excited to be living now (usually!) and becoming better able to receive and give love in all it’s forms. I rarely believed I could get half this far in life, let alone knowing that I have so many good and amazing experiences coming up that’ll compensate for everything I’ve gone through.
(That’s a promise that is reiterated frequently in the Bible, that God restores at least double of what the enemy stole. I have to believe, though, that I am worthy and capable of doing right by it before I can see and receive what’s before me, and I’ma believing and receiving more all the time! Huzzah!)
I got to meet my blog guru, Kris, this week for the first time. (We’ve been working over the phone for this last year.) She’s just as I expected; a good lady who’s nonjudgmental, wise, and has a fun sense of humor, too! I really appreciate her and am grateful to have her in my life.
A few days ago Lloyd, a gentleman from church who I deeply admired, passed away unexpectedly. (At the age of 90! Never would have guessed he was that old, he was so healthy and spry!) He and his wife were two of the first to welcome me into the church fold. I loved who they were, and how they treated each other and the rest of the world. Was able to write his widow a note that read:
“. . . I’ve always appreciated you and Lloyd so much, as individuals and as a couple.
You two were so kind and welcoming when I first joined our church, spending time with me at fellowship hour.
And you’re that way with everyone, so accepting and gentle with others as well as each other. You both have a certain kind of peace that influences the room you’re in.
And I love you two as a couple. I don’t know if you know this, but I come from an abusive childhood and marriage. Real love wasn’t something I witnessed or experienced much for the first several decades of life and so I’ve been struggling for a long time to understand what it is, what it looks like, especially in a romantic sense. And when I watched you and Lloyd together, I ‘got’ it. The way you’d look into each other’s eyes and smile because you each understood what the other was thinking. The lack of judgement, and gentleness in the way you talked to each other, tended to each other. How you seemed to be able to trust each other implicitly, knowing you each had the other’s back, so to speak.
How beautiful.
I realize, it may or may not have been like that for all the seventy years, but what you two had for as long as I’ve known you, both as a couple and individually, is something I aspire to.
Thank you for being you.”
I’m crying again while writing this, but in a good way. Grateful to have witnessed what I did with this lovely, loving couple, and being able to acknowledge love IS good, real, and possible – even the romantic type! And that I AM WORTHY of it all, as are YOU (in case you haven’t figured that out yet!).
Thank You, God, for Lloyd and his wife, also Blog Guru Kris, and even Penelope. They’re all teaching me what love really is: supportive, gentle, fun, trustworthy, peaceful, wise, and unconditionally accepting, even during the hard times. It’s a continually deepening growth journey between self, a romantic partner, friends, and for me, my Highest Power, Jesus. I never would have experienced any of this without the gumption to leave the old life behind not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, too. Thank you (me) Pearl, for having the courage to do this.
And thank you for being here, I’m looking forward to meeting with you again next Wednesday. Until then, please enjoy the blessings that are coming your way!
This week’s song is by Joe Walsh. It came out in the mid eighties and I loved it, then completely forgot about it until I heard it on the radio recently for the first time in decades. I like several of his songs for his sense humor, i.e. “Life’s Been Good”. Today’s tune, “The Confessor” is a bit more serious. It’s about getting to the truth of who we are, and how the quality of our relationship with self is reflected in the quality of our relationships with others. Reminds me of how far I’ve come when I look at the type of loving, supportive, affirming friendships I allow into my life now.
