Vowing to Accept, Love and Honor My Self Worth, With Witnesses.

Tuesday 9/7/21

Hello Amazing Being!  How’re you doing?  (I DO care!)

What is at LEAST one POSITIVE thing you can say about yourself?  And you MUST state it in the positive – NOT something like “I’m am not quite the bitch/ass I used to be.” 🙂  More like: “I appreciate the person I am now and who I am constantly evolving into.”  (Growth can be lifetime process, do you agree?)

Could you say that to yourself?

If you’ve been reading my blog then you know about the journey I’ve been on to heal from the hell of childhood and (first) marriage.  (No second marriage in the offing yet, but I have faith God is helping me to learn to receive the love of the right man, love him the way he deserves, and the opportunity is coming up soon.)  I already have been able to receive the love of good friends, some of whom I consider family, and that aspect has been healing my image of self since others caring about me helps to convince me I am lovable, even when I can’t fully claim it.  And with the work God and I have been doing to build my self and life up, I’m getting to the point to where I can appreciate myself independent of other’s opinions, without constantly turning to friends to remind me. 

Having said that, I bought a pretty white, lacy dress a couple of months ago that I would have previously rejected due to not feeling worthy of wearing something so  . . . beautiful and pure looking.  (Wrote about it in the post “The Dress and Self I Claim”, dated 7/16/21.)

I thought of the dress as being the perfect baptismal, first communion and perhaps wedding dress and was determined to to use it for those purposes.

Well, my ‘re-baptism/first Holy Communion’ ceremony is coming up this weekend, and I’ve decided to add a ‘uniting of splintered selves’ part to the process so it’ll be kinda like vowing to accept, love and ‘marry’ myself into wholeness, whether my psyche follows suit immediately or not.  

So I’m writing my truth and vows for the ceremony, and this is what I’ve coming up with so far . . .

I’ll briefly (hopefully!) describe each era of childhood,  and how the different ‘splinters’ of psyche came to be, how they protected me from the whole truth of what was happening, how they facilitated survival.

I’ll be honoring each aspect, and that’s something I never thought could happen.    

(Thank God, and me, for persevering and getting this far – and going so much further!)

After the overview of the abuse I will read the poem “Personal Hell”  which was part of the post “I KNOW!” dated 10/26/20.

“Personal Hell”
When she smiles can’t you see her eyes,
bearing all the scars and lies?
You know she can’t, day in and day out,
yet still she goes on without a doubt.

She attacks at the drop of a hat,
then purrs like a contented cat.
Everyone sees yet no one can tell
just what kind of personal hell.

Nobody asks so nobody knows
Nobody sees and nobody shows
‘cuz we’re all too guilty
so we’ll just let it be.

We know what happened so we’ll just cover up -
can’t let a drop slip out of the cup!
We’ll all play blind, blind man’s bluff
and blow her off, a piece of fluff.

After all in all, it’s just a catch in time
something that’s gone with no reason or rhyme,
We’ll watch it fly by - we’ll just let it go
She’s trapped in her hell - but do we care? Oh No!

“It doesn’t matter” , now say it again -
and sooner or later it’ll be in our heads.
Stare straight ahead & don’t look back,
it doesn’t matter if she picks up the flack.

Nobody asks so nobody knows 
Nobody sees and nobody shows
‘Cuz we’re all too guilty 
so we’ll just let it be.

Do we care?  Oh no, No. NO,
We’ll all just drop her and then we’ll go
Leave her behind, trapped in her shell
and that way no one will ever tell
That way no one will ever tell
And soon we’ll believe, “It’s just as well”.
c. Pearl E. M.

Then I’ll briefly tell of younger adulthood, the type of people I allowed into my life because it was all I knew – backstabbers, denigrators, etc.) and the abusive marriage.  Because I was clueless and in complete denial about all that had happened and how it effected me, one of the ways I covered up the pain and anger was by how I presented myself.  I weighed what I was supposed to, was always perfectly made-up with hair decently coifed, and dressed well, usually wearing dresses and high heals. 

I’ll read “The Mask”, a poem I wrote during that era without realizing I was describing myself to a ’T’.

The Mask
Hoping no one has to see
your aching vulnerabilities
piece by piece you build your walls
with make-up and acting you to crawl
into your mask but it’s so very small,
it’s choking you more than your fears before.

The better mask the tighter it feels 
until there’s no room left to deal, 
with life’s fears and emotions and did you know
the mask would eventually have to close
all life out of your protected heart.
Now there’s no more acting, you ARE the part.
c. Pearl E.M.

Next, I’ll touch on the road of recovery I’ve been on, mentioning about the anger and bitterness that ruled for many years as the truth was uncovered, and all the rage and emotions I had to repress in order to survive.  I turned most of the overt rage towards God, since on some level I knew He could handle it, and then let the bitterness and defensiveness seep out towards anyone who got too close, came near to my stone encased heart.  

This poem was written after having been in therapy for several years.  It had to be written free form because there was no way to pretty up the rage and desolation I was feeling. 

nowhere
God, 
how could you?
you’re supposed to be 
the all knowing,
all loving, all caring being
in our lives.

yet we still get fucked,
we still get raped
we still get burned
beyond redemption.

we, the wounded, live our lives 
in terror
of the one who’s supposed to protect us
even when no one else
can, or even wants to.

and i’m supposed to trust you?
can you hear me screaming, 
so loud, without a voice?
can you feel the torrent of tears
that refuse to be shed?
do you feel the pain that I can’t, 
that leaves me too dismembered
to move?

how can they say you care,
when you are never near
when we need you 
the most.

God?  Hello?  God?
Just as I thought
nowhere to be found
cuz i need you now.
c. Pearl E.M.

I’ll close with one of the poems that’s the story of my life, including the victory I’m claiming now, if not fully living in yet. It was the first post to this blog back on September 30, 2020.

Picking Up the Pieces/Pearl, Unchained (AKA Love Prevails)
Staring into darkness, watching shadows fall -
empty heartbeats echo down the dark and endless hall.
Starry dreams are crumbling, crashing quietly to the ground,
only to be trampled on then yearning to be found.

Fractured psyche, broken trust, leaving only fear, 
Shredded heart, silent screams, crying without tears.
All the times, all the lies, all the damned illusions -
A ‘loving’ family cast my chains with all their damn perversions.

Where’d it start?  Who can tell?  Does it really matter?
The time has passed, it’s moving on, having left the tatters.
And now’s it’s time to let it go, drop it to the floor;
Do what it takes to stop the bleed, blocking out the core

So dark descends and night has come to take me in it’s folds,
And deep inside now I know there’s nothing left to hold.
That one way mirror finally cracked, a million tiny pieces
Perhaps in time, a two way mirror may rise from all the pieces.

In time came marriage masquerading as love, 
for his dysfunction called to my self-loathing
but when God’s whisper became greater than the threats,
I let Him lead me out.  It was time to mend.

Pearl, Unchained  (Coda to ‘Pieces’)
Been picking up the pieces with much hope, tumult and doubt
Just trying to figure out how to make it all count.
Mosaics have beauty  when they’re put together right
and Stained glass glows gently if it forgives the night

Years go by and hell still lingers, imprinted in my mind
but something greater has displaced its stature and I find
Faith holds on ‘til Grace declares:  “They will NOT win,  I prevail”.
Their chains are breaking because I’m learning, I AM worthy. LOVE prevails.
c. Pearl E. M.

I’ll vow to love, honor and ENJOY Little Pearl, Grace, Michael, Penelope and Elder Pearl for the rest of my life.   Then I’ll get baptized into my ‘new’ name, and receive my first Holy communion as the new being.  

Would you be willing to make a commitment to love and honor yourself, too?  You’re worthy of it, in case you didn’t know.  

I’ll be following up on this post next week, looking forward to meeting you back here next Tuesday (or Wednesday!) Until then, let’s go do something to honor ourselves!