Tuesday, 2/9/21
If you’re new to the blog and wonder who Great Guy (GG) is, well, he’s written about quite frequently because he’s been one of my greatest life teachers whether he wanted to be or not. He’s a good man and most of the things learned about myself because of him have been difficult to face and have pushed me to change. Probably three of the posts that he’s a part of and best describe this are ‘Beautiful’s Story’ dated 10/9/20, ‘L.P. and Relationships’ dated 11/25/20, and ‘All Apologies (part 1)’, dated 12/28/20.
For an explanation about the fractured parts of my psyche – Michael, L.P., & Grace, see ‘Dissociation’ post dated 10/14/20.
‘them’ – everyone, collectively, who were abusive.
Welcome! How are you doing today? How is your hope holding out?
Me? To be honest, there are times lately when someone asks me how I’m doing my first thought is, “I haven’t shot myself (yet).” But I never say that because first of all, I wouldn’t commit suicide no matter how much I kinda wanna escape dealing with all this sometimes, especially the pain that is getting more intense as I become more sensitized to it. And secondly, there are times when I wonder if all the work I’ve been doing to heal and learn to love well so I’ll stop hurting the people I care about most, has done any good. In spite of that I still have hope. And for all I’ve written and posted about hope lately, as many people know, it can be one of the more devastating assets to have.
Last Tuesday’s post described some of the mental and emotional abuses I experienced and today’s is about its effects and what I’m doing to heal from it. Like the other stuff I’ve talked about, when I’m working on healing from something it gets worse before it gets better. Thank God for the prayer warrior friends who so kindly respond when I send out an s.o.s. at my most desperate moments. Lately there’s been too many and I have no idea how I’d survive them without support, prayer and God.
A few people have told me I am kind and have a good heart, but I can’t receive it for several reasons. First and foremost is, if I really did have a good heart wouldn’t I be able to act like it towards all decent people, including Great Guy? He’s the reason why I’ve been pushing so much harder to heal for these last couple of years. I don’t like the the reflection I see in the proverbial mirror he holds up, facing towards me, if that makes sense. Something confusing happened last fall with him and I ran into him the other day for the first time since then. I decided to talk with him hoping I’d be able to show him I’ve been changing and am better at reciprocating thoughtfulness and care instead of fear based knee-jerk reactions and walking away. Last fall I tried that only to realize the brain and heart hadn’t been healed enough and I upset or hurt him. That’s been one of the worst side effects of low self esteem – if I don’t believe people care about me then it doesn’t occur to me that what I do effects them. G.G. is a guy with a good heart who showed me repeatedly that he thought I was worthy of being treated with respect and kindness and would always bring my mind back from its own dark places. He’s someone I trusted and wanted him to know he could trust me but I failed because of the echoes of what I repeatedly heard and experienced in the past, and the ‘Michael’ defenses weren’t healed soon enough. When the incident last fall happened he had just calmed my spirit from a triggered moment and I was still trying to process that when he did what he did. I was trying to discern what was happening while all those ‘dummies’, ‘don’t be stupids’, ‘nobody wants you’ and ‘nobody cares’ were doing their denigrating tap dance all over my psyche and heart, and I couldn’t perceive what he may or may not have been offering in the moment. I called and left a message afterward when my brain worked through everything but it was too late – either I left the message where he never received it or he rejected it. My heart, though, harbored hope that he did still care, would understand, forgive, and would be here when I learned how to treat him the way he deserved to be treated. When I ran into him the other day though, he let me know in no uncertain terms he’d had enough and it was too late to say I was sorry . . . why should he care? I did try to apologize anyway but fell short, again. How can I blame him? I’ll keep praying he realizes what an extraordinary man he is with his compassion and the thoughtful ways he deals with other’s mental and emotional wounds. He’ll always have a place in my heart no matter what.
As far as making progress in the healing aspects, when I first noticed GG the other day I initially walked away (I don’t know if he noticed) but after a few minutes of talking back to the echoes of negativity, was able to get my brain and newly forming sense of self worth to stay in the present moment and went back to find him and initiated conversation. I was shaking when I walked up to him, but did it anyway. So that shows I am making progress even if it was way too little, too late for him. And even though it didn’t turn out like I’d hoped, still glad to have taken the chance.
Because of continued hope for healing, several years ago I had the opportunity to stay at Milestones for a couple of months. Milestones is a beautiful, safe place to go to get help for healing emotional wounds. I was able to talk to the C.E.O., Mr. Miles Adcox, for a few minutes and he treated me with the respect and kindness I deserved. As has been my ‘modus operandi’ I rejected it the very next day when he waved at me and I didn’t wave back. Can you figure out why? My very first thought when he waved was, “He couldn’t possibly be waving at me (want to offer something that kind for me), he must be waving at someone else”, but when I looked around, there was no one else. For part of the time I was at Milestones there was a fellow participant, ‘J.M.’, with whom I’d worked with in a couple of workshops where we told each other our stories. Sometimes when people hear what I’ve survived they will either not initially believe me or hold it against me in a ‘what the hell does that make you’ sort of way. As I told J.M. my autobiography he listened compassionately and when one tear drop escaped my heart and slid down my cheek he actually grabbed a tissue and gently wiped it away. I don’t remember anyone ever doing that for me and it was as if he was wiping away some of the stench of the shame I carry. When he went back home to his country he left a letter for me via our respective therapists that, among other things, said I ‘forced his admiration’. He included his contact information. I never reached back out to him.
I know that the horrendous types of sexual perversity I had to survive at the hands of those I was supposed to have been able to trust (L.P.’s story begins with ‘Still Innocent’ dated 11/9/20, Grace’s era will begin to be told next Tues.) still have significant influences on life. Yet even probably millions of affirmations, prayers, and various different types of exercises and therapies haven’t completely replaced the damn negative words that decades later continue to keep reverberating in my mind and heart at the most vulnerable times and can still infect much of what I do and feel. As mentioned a few sentences ago, I have been making significant progress towards changing that, just not enough in the time frame I, and perhaps others, had hoped for.
My guitar playing has become symbolic of what I aim to achieve. At this point I don’t practice enough. Every time I pick it up I still hear their damn voices repeatedly calling me ‘dumb’, I’ll ‘never get it right, so why bother trying’ etc., and there’s significant pain for other reasons, too. I counteract it by telling myself, out loud, what a good job I’m doing and how grateful I am because I won’t give up. At times I do let those voices and the effort it takes to overcome them exhaust me and quit for a while. What’s amazing is when I am practicing and can allow myself to hear improvement and revel in it, and even more encouraging are those sublime moments when somehow, someway, I’m not sure how it get’s accomplished yet, but their voices are quiet even in my subconscious. I am then freed to play well and especially when I improvise, it is beautiful to me. That gives me so much hope that I am beginning to triumph over ‘them’ and I will not quit until the ramifications of what they did are vanquished, no matter what it takes (in a positive way!:)). Amen.
Thank you to GG of course, and to Mr. Adcox, J.M., and others who gave when I wasn’t able to reciprocate. I am sorry and I AM learning to do better, Thank GOD!
On Friday I will post something I wrote a few years ago that was completely different than anything else I’ve ever written, kinda sci-fi-ish. On Tuesday Grace will begin to tell her story. I hope you have some wonderful moments and will meet back here on those days.
Today’s song is “Carry On Wayward Son” by Kansas. It was released in 1976, and still has relevance.
