3/15/22
(for clarification on who the “Michael splinter (and L.P., Penelope, et al) of psyche is, please refer to “cast of Characters’ tab on the home page.)
This first one is kinda funny in a sad but true sort of way. When the ex and I were dating, for the first birthday of his that we celebrated together I bought him a gift certificate to do something I’d always wanted to do. (Yeah, I have since figured out that just because I want to do something doesn’t mean everybody else does.) (See? I am growing up! :))
So, we went for a hot air balloon ride. I really wish he would’ve told me he didn’t like heights, I could’ve gotten him something different and used the certificate with someone else. I can still see him standing in the gondola, arms tightly crossed, peeved expression and facing the torch/flame (whatever it’s called) instead of watching the scenery. And there I was, completely geeked, trying to take in all the beauty and at times leaning over the edge of the basket in order to take pictures of the reflection of the balloon in the lake we were soaring over. I loved the experience and vowed to do it again during different seasons (without him, obviously). That hasn’t happened (yet!), and wonder if it will since I never hear about hot air balloons now-a-days (in this neck of the woods, anyway).
I just checked prices and maybe I’ll just be grateful to have had that one experience!
Now onto the actual subject of this post . . .
I’ve been working with my current guitar teacher (CGT) since last spring sometime, and there is something that recently occurred to me about that.
I’ve been putting on quite a bit of weight lately . . . since last spring sometime. And I know, as many others who have weight issues and are healing their own trauma and/or who work in the field can tell you, excess weight can be the subconscious’ way of adding a layer of protection for someone who doesn’t feel safe, as well as to help look unattractive in order to not have to deal with the confusing and scary issue of male attention (in my case).
Now by no stretch of the imagination am I implying the CGT is the sole reason, is interested in me or an actual threat (since my heart’s not involved how could he be?) Even though the inability to feel he’s a safe person has contributed to the weight gain, I’m kinda thankful for it because it keeps me from having flashbacks and other overt PTSD symptoms around him so he doesn’t have to deal with it.
(Praying {literally} to figure out how to trust my own ability to protect and defend myself in any situation, even the ones that are just echoes of the past in my mind, and to choose healthier habits that contribute to the joy and desire to LIVE a full life instead of burying some factions of it.) (Actually, that is happening – I started going to a gym (regularly!) about a month ago now, and love it.) (I so frequently forget that I do, indeed, do positive things!)
Also, as my therapist (Ms. C) mentioned last week, not only am I working on healing the emotional wounds connected with playing guitar that Little Pearl brought up several weeks ago (as was written about in the post dated 2/9/22, “Claiming Future Victories Now”), but also the pain from the rejection of the previous guitar teacher (PGT). (Thanks for the reminder Ms .C – I’ve been trying to ignore that aspect!)
The PGT, my heart did trust (and still does, still knows he’s a good person), and so I lost a significant amount of weight, without trying, when we were working together.. It seems like the subconscious didn’t feel the need to self-protect and actually wanted to be seen, in a positive light. But that trust caused my psyche to ‘flashback’ frequently and bring up other emotional issues (like the ‘Michael’ splinter) when we worked together. To his credit, my PGT did work patiently and well with all the emotional crud, and apparently didn’t want to continue to do that when he resumed giving lessons. And yes, that does hurt.
I can only hope he will forgive me for how I’ve acted at times. I’ve been working so diligently and persistently at changing (and making significant progress) so my apology has never been empty, it’s just been taking too long for the newly forming behaviors to prove the words.
And this is one of those times when I’m trying hard not to succumb to the anger at those who caused the CPTSD and dissociative behaviors because I do know that the anger gets me no nowhere, and blame doesn’t cure anything.. Am trying to figure out how to let all this emotional baggage go instead of burying it with more junk food. God any suggestions? (It’s funny, was trying to type ‘GOT’ any suggestions? Maybe God does? Will have to try to listen for Him, I guess.)
(The thought just came to me, ‘Live well’. Thanks God, I think I’ll do that! And since, overall, the tears have been fewer and smiles more frequent, I know we’re on the way! Huzzah and Hooray!)
And while we’re on the subject of guitar playing, my support group offered to let me play for them in an effort to help me get over the fear of playing in front of others. This is part of a note I sent them afterwards because it had such a significant impact on me:
I didn’t realize how stressed I/Little Pearl/Penelope/Michael/Grace was at playing in front of you, and I felt quite a bit of shame (and victory a bit, too) while playing. But then when you so generously said kind things about it even though we all knew it wasn’t perfect, you really nurtured that wounded part. I could feel ‘Little Pearl’ perk up a bit and bashfully try to take it all in.
Thank you.
Now today I’ve been really struggling and didn’t know why. Finally asked Holy Spirit to come into it and show me why, and He immediately responded.
Not only was I working though the shame and degradation of having to perform sex acts with others in front of audiences of men and at times a camera from such a young age, but also another memory popped up that I’ve been aware of but didn’t realize I hadn’t worked through it.
When I was a younger teen an aunt (that married into the family at an older age) had taught me how to play “Happy Birthday” for my dad on the organ. Apparently she and my uncle never got the memo that I was to be denigrated and laughed at at all opportunities. So when the time came to play the song, before I even began my dad started belittling me, and of course the rest of the family either laughed or joined in, but my aunt and uncle didn’t. I wanted to run away, but she kept on insisting I had to play anyway. I think she thought it would help prove to me I can do something despite what others thought, perhaps. In any case, I did play it, sobbing, while listening to the jeers and laughter. (like I’m crying now)
I never realized how deep that experience effected me. Thank you for being the antidote to that shame and humiliation, it truly means so much. And thank you for saying you’d tolerate listening to me attempt to play another song at a later date.
Ya’ll, last night really . . . . can’t find the words, so just, thank you.
God bless you.
I also went to a folk music ‘jam session’ a week or so ago. It’s comprised of a group of people with varying degrees of guitar/uke/mandolin ‘mastery’ who get together once a month to share their love of acoustic music, and anyone can either just listen or participate (I just listened). Bought an acoustic guitar a couple of days ago, now all I have to do is figure out how to play it minimally enough (initially, then improve, of course!) to participate with the others. Kinda geeked about that, hope to keep going back!
Is there anything you’ve been hoping to do? Can you imagine how to move towards it, even if it’s initially just a small step? You never where or how far that first step’ll take you, and you’re worth taking that journey for.
When I was trying to come up with a song about guitars for this week’s post, I initially couldn’t think of any. Then about five or ten tunes came to mind, with this one being the first. I hope if anyone watches this they have their sense of humor ‘on’ cuz it’s an oldie – um – parody? (don’t think that’s the right word) by Ray Stevens called “Guitarzan”. It made me laugh when I revisited it tonight!
