4/5/22
(For an explanation of who Great Guy is, and what I mean by ‘splinters’, please use the ‘Cast of Characters’ Tab on the Home Page.)
Hi Beautiful You,
How’re you doing?
Part of today’s writing is a second devotion that’s essentially a continuation from last weeks post, but first . . .
Do you ever wonder if you just missed something important? And then obsess about if that was the last or only opportunity you’ll have?
A couple days ago a partial memory emerged of something that had happened within the previous day or two but I couldn’t even recall which day it was. I had been walking through my favorite park and saw two large, uniquely shaped helium filled balloons tied to a fence. Kept trying to figure out what they were (they kinda looked like replicas of hot air balloons) but since there were a couple of adults and a bunch of kids playing a short distance away I figured they were for them. I do remember smiling a little and briefly hoping there could be more to the situation, like maybe the balloons were for me (I figure that was ‘Little Pearl’ {or romantic Elder Pearl :)}) but quickly decided that was presumptuous (well, duh!) and they had to be for the kids.
I don’t remember what happened after that moment – what path I walked to the car or even where it was parked. This really bugs me. It’s been quite a while since I’ve had this type of dissociative experience, and when that episode ended I was immediately aware of the ‘missing moments’ and what may have caused them. I remember the probable explanation – I was at that same park, thought I saw Great Guy and it evoked such a mix of intense emotions that apparently my psyche decided it couldn’t handle it. (I do wish the mind could always warn me of it’s impending desertions – maybe I could head them off somehow!)
After writing the above couple of paragraphs I went back to the area and walked the part of the path I was on last week before the dissociation occurred, but it didn’t jog any more memories.
I really wish someone could tell me what happened, especially if it was anything more than just walking.
So today I called for prayer from two prayer lines, two different groups I’m part of, and a friend who’s ‘gift of Spirit’ is prayer, hoping for some sort of revelation as to what else I can do to get this – ahem – b.s.- ahem – healed once and for all. I want to get those minutes of memories back, too. I honestly thought healing had occurred for this more extreme aspect of dissociation.
Grateful, though, this is as bad as it’s ever gotten – just a couple of minutes lost a few times throughout my life; it could be much worse.
Perhaps doing what I have been lately to weave the ‘splinters of psyche’ into wholeness has contributed, too. As a therapist recently reminded me, sometimes psychological/emotional healing can cause things to roil and appear worse before they get better. (Oh yay!)
So much else has been going on recently, one of which is the letters that were written to a couple of the human causes of the childhood pain were mailed out last week, as well as the letters to the ‘younger generation’ who were effected when I walked away from that whole situation. I never told ‘The Youngers’ why I opted out since I didn’t want to put them in the middle of everything. Amongst other things, I explained to them why I handled things the way I did, apologized, and let them know I still cared about them. Haven’t heard back from anyone yet. (Aarrgghh)
There’s something I wrote in the last post but don’t think I finished the thought. (I do that frequently – start a sentence or thought and since I know where I’m going with it, I just assume the other person reads my mind and figures it out too, so I leave it hanging. That can cause some pre-tty interesting misunderstandings, for sure!) .
I asked ‘does real love wait?’ (And now add, genuine opportunities, too.)
What do you think?
I try to keep believing that if someone truly does care about me, or an opportunity is right, then they/it will still be there when I’m ready, too. I sometimes notice what could be a chance for what I’m preparing myself for, and I am soo very grateful to see it for it gives me so much hope, but then watch it go by. I can’t seem to reach out for it just yet and feel such a sense of loss and deep insecurity when that happens. I’m afraid that was the only or last chance, but I’m apparently not yet to the point where I know, in my mind and deepest core (getting closer, for sure, and my heart has figured it out, thank God!) that I am worthy of and/or capable of doing right by the person/opportunity. So, I (imperfectly) live by faith, trying to keep believing that If something’s right, it’ll work out at the best time for all concerned. If it’s not, well, there’s always something to learn from every experience and after the grief/loss, then whatever is learned will benefit a future experience. (Right? Please, just agree with me!)
The rest of this post is essentially a continuation from last week, so if you need a refresher or haven’t read the 3/29/22 post yet, now’s the time. 🙂
The second devotional for the month of March . . .
(Just a note or two before the actual devotional – don’t know if you’re all that familiar with the Bible so just in case you don’t know who ‘Paul’ was, he was not one of the original 12 apostles. In fact, he was one of the most notorious Christ deniers and was instrumental in the murder of the first apostle to die for his faith, Stephen. He later had an incredible supernatural encounter with God so he went away for 3 years to process what happened and to learn what he could about who Christ really was. He ended up being the author of more books in the New Testament than any of the other apostles.)
Also, I am not a Biblical scholar; just a woman on a healing journey, finding my way to my own value and truth of self, heart and Spirit. I’m doing that by learning (and claiming) who I am in God. He’s redeeming the abuse through unconditional love and an ongoing healing process. He also forgives and redeems all I’ve done in ignorance (and mistakes I’ve yet to make since I’m an imperfect mortal). And in case you don’t already know this, He does the same for you, too, if you ask (and let) Him.
Now for the actual devotional:
1Corinthians 13:1 (sort of): “If I speak in the tongues of men or angels, but do not have love, blah, blah, blah . . . “ (paraphrased by me:))
I’ll be honest with you (as usual!), over the years I have frequently wanted to slap Paul.
One of the major reasons was because of how I’ve interpreted some of his admonitions. I’ve taken offense at his repeated assertions that whatever we do, no matter how good our intentions and/or the outcome of our actions, if we don’t do them out of love then they’re pointless.
As mentioned in my previous contribution love’s not something I feel all that familiar with, so whenever I’ve heard/read that discourse I felt condemned since I apparently could never do anything that mattered or enough to make a difference. And for someone who’s tried for decades to convince myself and the world there’s a reason for my existence, and keep doing things to make the world (and me) better, Paul’s words can be quite the horse pill to choke on.
So where does that leave me?
In the arms of a Savior Who sees all, understands, and loves me perpetually, continuously, and relentlessly, until I can do that for myself and others.
Something I now know, but am not so sure I learned it from the Bible; it’s more like I found it in my heart – the heart God resides in and has been quite successfully turning to flesh, from stone.
Maybe I haven’t always had access to the love within that I was born with, but as a believer in Christ I have Him, and therefore His love, inside, even when I couldn’t yet claim it. And that’s more than enough to justify my existence, and works, until my own ability to love has fully broken through its shell and blossomed.
So take that, Paul! (Smack!)
Dear Heavenly Father –
Thank You.
Thank You that for any of us who have a heart healing in progress, we have Yours to fill in fully until we get there, and that’s more than sufficient to work with and through. And thank You that because of Your Word and extravagant promises, I claim VICTORY on behalf of all Your believers who have ‘Heart Healings In Progress’, and full reclamation of all the Love in all it’s forms that have been patiently waiting for us to be able to receive. In Jesus name. AMEN!
Praise God, Thank You Jesus, Hallelujah, Yes God!
