5/19/23
Aloha, Angel!
How’re you doing this day?
Do you have a favorite wild bird that when you see it, brings a smile to your heart? If so, what kind, why, and have you seen it recently? Care to share it in the comment section below the post?
I love birds, period, and one of my favorite are doves for their ‘coos’ and all they represent (love, Holy Spirit, faithfulness, etc.). However, if you ever actually WATCH doves in action, you’ll see they aren’t always the perfect purveyors of love!
It’s kinda funny (and comforting to see they’re not perfect, either :)) to watch some of them peck at another in a bratty and persistent way while the other is trying to eat, even when there’s more than enough food and space for ALL of them! And to top it off, the birds that do the pecking won’t even eat once the other bird moves away – they just keep following and hounding the other bird.
So see? Even doves aren’t always experts at their own relationships!
Which (almost kinda, sorta) brings me to the point of this post . . .
Let’s see if I can finally finish what was started over two weeks ago. I learned this from lights on a park bench . . .
Can you identify with this?
Last Christmas I wrote about a bench at a park that someone had decorated for the holiday (pictured above). I loved the lights so when the season was over I took it upon myself to care for them by replacing the batteries as needed. The whole time I was doing it though, there was an underlying anxiety of, ‘if I don’t get it EXACTLY right every time, or am a moment late and a light burns out, then it will be taken away to punish me.’
That made me hyper-vigilant in making sure I was there regularly so as to not mess up.
(And yes, in theory, I do get that the people who put up the decorations probably don’t know me, couldn’t have cared less, and owe me nothing! Gotta love the irrationality of it all :))
Several weeks ago it rained nonstop for a few days and since the electric candle doesn’t stay lit in the rain I didn’t bother replacing its batteries. The strings of lights stay on even when wet.
When the rain finally ended I went to do ‘my job’ and someone had taken the candle away! I knew it was unreasonable but I relived and projected feelings from childhood when something was taken away because I didn’t perform perfectly right, or someone else wanted it, or I accidentally alluded to someone’s dirty little secret of what they were doing to me. Felt like I was being blamed and reprimanded for something I had no control over and was just trying to do the best I could, which would never be good enough.
Then, after being out of commission for a couple of weeks, when I went back to the park the other lights were gone. I had stopped by once, I think, in the interim to make sure they were still lit, and now they were gone. I felt a ridiculously huge loss because I felt like I failed to live up to whoever-put-them-there’s (never explained) expectations, and I’m still not worthy enough to keep something that’s precious to me when someone else has control over it.
And I realized that’s still how I still perceive relationships, too. Like I’m supposed to keep perfectly dancing to someone else’s tune, even if they never let me hear it. If I make the slightest misstep then I am a pile of graceless dirt who needs to be reminded of that whether through disgust and denigration, or ghosting/abandonment because they would not even consider me worthy of an ‘f* off’.
And not to brag (ahem), but I’ve been that way (hopefully, in the past). I’d easily walk away from people if they did anything that could be perceived as a threat or left me uncomfortable – which was just about anything depending on which splinter/personality was at the forefront of my mind. (SOOO grateful the Dissociative Identity Disorder is healing!!) If we’re looking for reasons to reject another before they do it to us, then I can guarantee you we will always find a reason, whether real or imagined, to push someone away.
I can still have that knee jerk reaction at times and have to make a conscious effort to really consider if what someone did is a genuine threat, or just my heart feeling too vulnerable.
I’ve been blessed with several friends who’ve lasted a few years now. When the time(s) came that they were getting too close, and I had become convinced they did something that earned my bitchiness (could even just be they saw inside of me what I was ashamed about) and I wanted them to just go away, but they didn’t. They may have backed off for a short while, perhaps letting me figure things out, but they’re still in my life and getting deeper into my heart at time goes by. I can’t thank them enough for showing me that real love doesn’t run when things get uncomfortable, I’m worth fighting for, and worth the wait until I figured that out.
And now, I can do the same for others, hallelujah!!!
I’m still healing and outgrowing that mentality, and also trying to figure out who really is trying to manipulate me, and who’s innocent and imperfect and I’m projecting that misguided fear onto them.
This has helped me once again realize how carrying anger and hurts from the past can still distort our thinking and relationships in so many ways. So grateful to be letting so much of that bitterness go and becoming freer from it all the time.
Who knew a (formerly) lighted park bench could be so insightful?
This past weekend was Mother’s Day and I was having a rough time due to not having yet fully worked though having had a mother who never cared enough to protect me and only valued me if I kept my mouth shut about all she knew what was happening to me. Also, because with never having had children myself and still mourning that a bit at times.
So I decided to do something that scared me a bit (gulp) in order to push myself out of the funk – went to a kayakers club without knowing anyone there. Have you ever done something like that?
Ended up having so much fun, even if getting in and out of a kayak was a bit more – um – complicated than it used to be! 🙂 (Apparently, I’m more ‘substantial’ than when I’ve gone before!) Got a good laugh out of the contortions I had to go through to get out of it.
The people were so nonjudgemental about it, and another woman of substance gave me pointers for next time.
When getting into the water it was like a ton of bricks fell off of me, and it was sooo peaceful and restorative; loved it! Hope to go again soon (after practicing getting in and out of a kayak at home :)). Praying I won’t let the imperfections they saw keep me from going again.
I hope you push yourself out of your comfort zone a bit this week, especially if you’re feeling a bit stuck or ‘less than’. It’ll pick you back up again, especially if you can keep your sense of humor if you don’t get it right the first time! 🙂
In memory of Chris Cornell, who died six years ago, here’s “Be Yourself” by Audioslave. He had an amazing voice and good heart. I hope you’re at peace now. Thank you to Alli Hejaije, for posting this!
