Nightmare? Or dream?

Mon. Nov. 23, 2020

Whew, starting to feel better, thank God!  Been under the weather for a few days and while not fully healed yet there is a lot more life inside!  Yay!  Was even able to ride around on my lawnmower!  Loved that – BIG Smile! 🙂

There hasn’t been a new post in over a week and I’ve missed you.  How have YOU been?

It’s weird, but there’s always a dichotomy going on inside and lately it’s been more pronounced than usual.  I can go along feeling alright, life is good, but then it takes just one comment by someone and suddenly I’m snarky or have a nasty edge to my voice, and I really didn’t think I was ticked off about anything.  Do you ever do that?  Sometimes I don’t even realize how bitchy I’m sounding until the other person reacts.  Frequently it can just be hormones or tiredness or something like that. At other times though, later that night I’ll get some pretty difficult memories and/or emotions back and it helps explain why I had that sudden bout of ‘tetchy’ earlier.  

A couple of days ago that’s exactly what happened. I was doing so well!  I was feeling ‘off’ due to illness, but had a good attitude – until I called and asked some poor defenseless person a question.  She didn’t do anything wrong, I just suddenly made a sarcastic comment to the poor girl.  I tried to lessen it by telling her I appreciated what she was doing, but the damage was done. Then that night some painful emotions and memories came up from Little Pearl’s era. I had been watching an old animated Christmas story on dvd, and it set off a strong emotional reaction that had apparently been brewing just under the surface.  

I do understand it’s a good thing to have repressed memories and emotions come up since the only way to heal from the past and to stop it from controlling the present is to become aware of it, accept and work though it.  But I hate it when others end up paying the price when I treat them poorly, I pray to be learning how to stop that.  There’s also a self-preservation part that wants to stop the memories coming up, a part of me that feels I barely survived that hell the first time, why would I want to go through it all again? 

Anyway, part of the recollection was that while the abuse was happening, and afterward while I was reeling from it, I didn’t want to survive, even at Little Pearl’s age (2-7). And I do remember when I was sick (which was frequently) I usually didn’t want to get better, either.  That’s an added component to repeatedly remind myself of when old emotional mayhem comes up in my mind (and heart). The ‘not wanting to live’ thought that usually sidles up with it is from the past, which I survived, and is not a true desire to quit life now.  

A part of the actual memory that came up was when after the abuse was over, the way to comfort myself was to grab onto a stuffed animal and cling to it for dear life.  But some assh -(oops! I’ll try to be kinder) (and forgive) – some ‘unenlightened person’ would wrest it out of my grip and take it away, and that left me feeling so damned bereft.  The ONLY safe thing I had to hold onto was ripped away when I needed it the most and God, that was as devastating as the abuse was. That led to the realization as to why I am not a ‘stuff’ person now.  I do not allow myself to get attached to any ‘thing’. In fact, I’ve gotten rid of some of my favorite items over the years.  At the time would tell myself it was because I just didn’t want to store it, but afterward would feel like I had punished myself but couldn’t understand why I would do that.  Now I know why.

There have also been several nightmares recently, one of which I’m not sure if it was actually a nightmare or a dream I took for a nightmare! Have you ever experienced that? It was so bizarre.  In the dream everything was exactly as it is now – me, the abode, etc.. The only difference was in the dream I was sleeping in a different position than I really was.  I sensed someone come into the room but didn’t actually see him.  It appeared he was trying to wake me up, perhaps to let me know he was there. It didn’t seem like he was trying to be threatening.  I wondered how he had gotten in since a window or door hadn’t been broken.  I kept hoping it was ‘Great Guy’ because I didn’t want it to be anyone else.  I woke pretty scared but then wondered why. Was it because there was a real threat in the dream, or was it more about if it was ‘Great Guy’, he terrifies me for completely different reasons, which we’ll get into on Wednesday.  

Looking forward to visiting with you then!

Thank you to ME, Pearl, for choosing to survive.  Lord knows it wasn’t always the obvious choice, but I’m so glad I did.  God IS good, and please believe this, life DOES get better. 

The poem for today, “(In defense of) Dreams” was written at eighteen years of age.  Still love what it says.

(In Defense of) Dreams

I saw you on the beach last night,
head in hands, dreams out of sight.
There you sat ’til the morning light,
trying to find the courage to fight.

But dreams that sleep in the dead of night
can be reawakened in the morning light.
If you’d only realize what you hold inside,
you could guide those dreams that you thought had died.

Some people think that the way to be wise
is to repress their dreams, and then watch them die.
Reality is the only way
to sensibly look at the following day.

But when you look at the sky at the dawn of day
and see all the colors put on display,
it has to be nature’s very own dream
trying to encourage your possibilities.

Life without dreams is just black and white
with no reasons left to fight.
Dreams bring in color, shining and bright,
to get you to fight for what you feel is right.

c. Pearl E. M.