Not Letting Discouragers Reign 

11/25/23

Hi Important Person,

What kind of encourager are you? (This question is more for me getting my point across than trying to throw you under the bus!) Are you someone who supports others no matter what, someone who lovingly helps a person figure out what is truly in their best interests, or not-so-lovingly only your own? Someone who will knock another down to feel better about yourself, or build a person up so long as they remember you’re the one who helped them and they always remember their (lowlier) place based on that?

Not to brag (ahem) but I’m pretty sure I could respond to that question with this last answer: ‘all of the above’ depending on the situation, people involved, aaaand mood I’m in.

There’s a longing that’s hard to define and it’s been lurking inside for so long. It keeps getting buried with food, busyness and the echoes of negative voices (including my own).

In various ways and reactions the longing has said I’m incapable of doing anything right or significant, not an important enough member of certain groups to contribute anything worthwhile, not educated enough spiritually to offer anyone a truly inspiring or eyeopening ‘come to Jesus in love and humility and you will be blessed’ testimony or counsel, and/or just not worthy of receiving love based beautiful, meaningful, positive relationships.

What a bunch of crud!

Dear Important Person, I don’t know if you struggle with any of this (or would admit it if you did :)) but if you do, we gotta figure out how to listen, persistently and consistently, to the right voice that always has our best interests at heart ~ God and His Word, the Bible.

“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (The Bible, Gospel of Matthew, chapter 11, verses 28 & 29.) 

As an aside, note that He didn’t say easy! It’s more like, when we place our faith in HIM, He will guide us and work for and through us, but we still have to do our part; it just won’t be overwhelming like it would be without Him. Our faith, if we remember to let it, can give us the confidence to move forward in peace no matter what’s going on around us. 

(In all honesty, I don’t live in that peace consistently yet, and I’m determined to figure out how to! If you wanna too, maybe we can learn together?)

I just finished reading holocaust survivor Corrie ten Boom’s biography, “The Hidding Place”. Her sister taught her how to find faith, purpose and peace in EVERY situation, even while they were imprisoned in a German concentration camp.  If they can do it there, we can do it ‘here’, no matter where ‘here’ is. (“For there is no partiality with God”; {The Bible [NASV], Book of Romans, Chapter 2, verse 11.})

Keep reminding me of that, ok? And I’ll try to do the same for you!

For a few years I’ve been regularly going to a place I used to think of as a sanctuary. The gatherings were on the small side, and initially I was intimidated and uncomfortable because I was noticed. Couldn’t figure out why I kept going back, to be honest.

Over time they’ve allowed me many opportunities to put my ideas into action. In spite of failing occasionally I was still encouraged to try new things, and I was trusted. I would never intentionally do anything to negate that trust.

Because of their acceptance of me as an imperfect person I grew in confidence and redefined ‘failures’ as ‘opportunities to laugh at myself and to learn from the mistakes in order to do better next time’ (hopefully! :)).

But lately there’s been a shift, and where I once almost believed I was considered equal to the others, have been told instead I’m not on a par with some of the members. The ‘power that be’ who told me this knows what I’m trying to do with this ministry but apparently doesn’t consider all the time, money and energy (emotionally and mentally, too) that goes into it. Or maybe it’s not important to them so they think it shouldn’t be for me either, and/or that it should be easy-peasy for me.

They say what I’m doing is important and greatly respected yet there’s no practical support. There’s a limited promotion of our events within the group, and no financial contribution even though I’ve humbly asked and they know all money spent on what we do is coming out of mine and the co-facilitator’s pockets. But they wholeheartedly support other members’ (and nonmembers’) missions. 

Thankfully, I don’t let one group’s (or person’s) judgment and (lack of) support be a deterrent and am finding others who are willing to tangibly support us in various ways, including praying for Pearl Unchained. (Would you be willing to do that, too?) 

I’m also realizing my worth was based on what they saw me do, for them. And I mistakenly believed most of the people knew what was right about me even at my more imperfect moments (and when I don’t see it), and they wanted me ‘blossom’ and do bigger things even if it meant not being able to do as much for the group. I have been trying to do what I’m capable of for them while building this ministry God has for me, and was apparently wrong believing that would be enough. But I won’t jeopardize (nor apologize for) what I’m doing for God’s purpose for me in order to keep their approval. 

Through this, I am learning to rely on Jesus, and not people who don’t always have my best interests in mind if it dares to infringe on all they want and expect from me. God will always provide if I keep faith and (imperfectly) do what He’s asking.

Well, that’s my perspective on this issue, anyway. 

I can’t figure out if it’s time to walk away from this group, or if I’m to continue to work through the pain and increasing anger and perhaps learn more about how relationships go through valleys and to hold on until things get better?

There are people in my life who would commiserate with this situation and tell me I deserve more, but when I don’t perform to their exact specifications or when something positive happens for me they’d be one of the first to knock me down.

For some it might be the suddenly silent treatment without explanation, and for others telling me in one form or another just how ugly they think I am. 

One person will say that outright while with others it’s more of an implication by how they react at times, like when I’d mention the kind things ‘Great Guy’ did for me. Even though they never met him, their response would be along the lines of, ‘do you really think he’d do something like that, for you?’ 

Wow! I could be wrong but I’m pret-ty certain that’s not particularly complimentary towards either one of us! And it certainly didn’t help build any confidence that I could be worthy of such thoughtfulness.

Could one reason people react like that be because the beliefs about not being worthy were starting to be challenged, and on some level they think that’s a threat to their stature in my life? Would they still be able to control me if I knew and accepted my infinite value in Christ?

I am so grateful for those who truly are encouraging, like the friend who said, “Believe in it Pearl. You do deserve it!” when I talked about one day having a fun and mutually loving romantic relationship, and those who are unhesitantly encouraging when I talk about what I hope our ministry will accomplish.

There are also the awe-inspiring moments of quiet contemplation and journaling with God when I sense His spirit inside of me saying. “You ARE my beloved child, and that alone makes you worthy of all the hopes and dreams I placed in your heart.” 

Thankfully, some friends not only verbally support what I’m trying to do to increase awareness about human trafficking, they also spend some of their precious time, finances, and/or specific talents to further the cause with me. Lord knows, they’re seeing my imperfections yet their support remains steadfast. 

The picture at the top of this post is of the scene several of them created for a Christmas display titled, “Light Came Down On Christmas Day” at a local park, on behalf of Pearl Unchained. I had nothing to do with the creation of it, they made that beautiful scene on their own. And with all of our group we’ve also raised over $1000 for WAR International with the events we’ve put on or participated in over the last few weeks. Woo-hoo! Yay us!

One evening when I was leaving a meeting one of these ladies made the comment “I was going to tell you to text me to let me know you got home safely, but I’m not your mother.” Before I could censor myself I blurted: “God, I wish somebody cared.” She must’ve heard and has since done a couple of (much appreciated) actions to show, she does. 

I’m embarrassed to have said that, and grateful for her response. She’s been showing me I don’t have to be actively doing for her to ‘earn’ it. And that it’s okay to be vulnerable with some people and express something that’s hurting my heart without ridicule, dismissiveness, or minimization. What a healing gift!

(And yes, others have too. It’s just, there are times when I haven’t experienced it for a while and forget, or really need reassurance. Like when I’m coming to the realization described earlier in this post about when others I’d hoped in, don’t seem to really care about me as a ‘human being’ as opposed to a ‘human doing’.)

For a few years now some people have told me, “Pearl, you did that so well”, “you have such a good heart” or “you’re a good friend,” etc.. I’ve started to  honestly respond with: “Friends and other good people teach me how.” 

I’ve been learning (and I hope this helps you, too!) as I’ve been doing the work to heal the wounds that once created a ‘me’ who was more angry, protectively self-centered, defensive and would more likely try to control and/or put other’s down too, God’s Word and those imperfect yet healing beings He’s been bringing into my life are showing me how to do better. 

Don’t get me wrong, I can still have an emotional reaction of jealousy or fear when others do well and I feel threatened by that, but I’m getting better at stopping the thoughts and reactions before they take over. Thanks to God’s persistent patience in teaching me the same lessons over and over until I get them right consistently, my heart is becoming decreasingly bitter and judgmental, and is increasingly becoming loving and accepting. Hallelujah!

As we change, some painful letting go of others and situations that are trying to hold us back to keep their self comfortable has to happen, and in some instances there’s just a natural growing a part that comes with the realization we have different paths to follow. In other situations, the right people will ‘stick’ by and grow along with us (without compromising their own purposes) and will learn how to treat us more like we deserve (especially if we needed to learn how to do better by them!)

Thank God! (And Me :)!)  And all who have been or are on this journey with me (including you!), whether we’re meant to ‘stick’ together for life or not, I’m learning what love in action looks like because of you.

For all who’ve tried to take and/or keep me and all other survivors down and quiet – you didn’t succeed. Here’s “Best Of You” by the Foo Fighters to encourage all who know how to answer the question: “Were you born to resist, or be abused?” We may have to survive hell without our consent but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn to resist wearing the broken, cheap, ill fitting crown of victimhood forever. AMEN!