Tuesday 4/27/21
Hello! How are you doing? Have you given yourself any good memories lately? Maybe noticed a flower, sunrise/sunset, a bird’s graceful flight, recognized something right you’ve done, or perhaps even did something stupid and couldn’t stop laughing at yourself? Or perhaps chuckling at something else all together? (Not sure why, but I’m still tee-heeing whenever the dog I recently adopted sneezes and farts simultaneously. He burrows a little bit deeper in to my heart each time it happens!) It does occur to me to look for blessings, but frequently I deflect the good things in life because of focusing too much on the practical or on the ‘inward journey’ and how far I think I still have to go. There’s a definite loss of lightness of spirit when I forget to notice beauty, accomplishments, or humor. Does that happen to you, too?
As mentioned in previous posts, I’ve started becoming sensitized to emotions after being numb for so much of my life. The other day I was so uncomfortable when feelings I couldn’t identify were coming up. Finally decided to ask myself and God to help define what it was and there was an immediate response of ‘vulnerability’.
Like all the other times when some previously buried emotion first became overt, I did not know I didn’t know (huh?:)) what ‘vulnerability’ was. And like everything else that’s been buried, there were times when I was reacting to the unfelt vulnerability without consciously knowing why I was pushing others away. Or, like something bold I did recently, without realizing how much it could hurt when a response wasn’t what I’d hope it would be.
In the post titled “Casualties of Hope and a Heart That Was Not Yet Healed Enough” (dated February 9, 2021) I wrote about several good men I’d had the chance to get to know better but missed out on the opportunities because of not believing I was worthy of platonic (or in GG’s case, perhaps romantic) relationships with genuinely good men.
You can read the first part of this story, the incident with GG, in that post.
After that conversation with GG in the store I talked with a friend of mine, C., who has been so patiently listening to me as I’ve tried to sort out what I’ve been feeling as far as GG is concerned. She knows I can sometimes focus on the negative too much so she suggested instead of just assuming all was completely lost that maybe it was time to tell him what I really felt about him. She told me one of the best things she’s ever done was to tell a guy she knew as a friend that she’d developed deeper feelings for him because he’s the man she’s been married to for over twenty years now. While I don’t claim to know what the trajectory of any relationship GG and I would have would be, I did agree that perhaps I was ready to take a chance and find out if he’d be interested in getting to know each other better.
So, I sent a message telling him that I cared about him, prayed he had good people around to support and affirm what a decent person he is, and that he was the instigation for intensifying all I was doing to heal in order to become that sort of person in all aspects of my own life. Also mentioned I always thought I’d have to be ‘better’ in order to get past acquaintance with him, but maybe I was healed enough now and asked if he’d want to take a chance. I told GG no matter what he decided I’d always appreciate him for who he is.
He hasn’t responded yet. (ouch).
Then exactly two weeks to the day after running into him at the store and almost two weeks since I’d sent the message, I saw him again at the same place and he looked sooo goood! Since he never reacted to the message I didn’t wanna push the issue and I was in a hurry anyway so I just waved at him. And like what has happened other times when I may have seen him unexpectedly, I dissociated when we passed each other so I couldn’t tell if he was peeved at seeing me again or amenable to it. (I still tend to dissociate when feelings, even positive ones, become overwhelming.) I figured he was probably on his way to meet some ‘perfect’ woman, and I hoped she appreciated him. (I also kinda wanted to slap her. And him, for that matter:))
Of course his reaction (or lack thereof) to the message I sent hurts like hell at times. Still grateful, though, for telling him because I’d rather he knows how I truly feel about him and that he’s appreciated, especially since my behavior can belie that truth for the reasons written about in previous posts. And I’m learning I’d rather act on hope than hide in fear.
But I do wonder if I’d have had the courage to be so honest with him if I’d have actually felt the vulnerability of possible rejection?
Just yesterday, though, a tough-to-face insight bubbled up. If GG had responded positively, would I have been truly ready to treat him right? I wonder because there was a check in my spirit implying that with how good he looks to me, physically, I probably never would have told him or maybe even denigrated him about it because of insecurity. I hadn’t realized that on some level I was afraid if I built him up he would be even more aware of how other, healthier women see him, and that would drive him to them. This revelation came after noticing a book that was about how to have a relationship with someone with p.t.s.d.. My first thought was about how defectively ‘different’ I am and how difficult it must be to be coupled with ‘someone like me’. But now I’ve reevaluated that lie. The TRUTH is: ‘Someone like me’ is a good woman who is unique and still awesome and worthy of a mutually genuinely loving relationship. The right guy will be able handle the p.t.s.d. because he’ll know I’m worth the effort, and we’ll both know we’re worthy of the work (and fun!) it takes to create a life long love affair.
A few years ago when I went to Onsite Workshops in Tennessee for the first time, a woman I met there and I were walking through some woods. I couldn’t figure out why, after years of never feeling fear, I was suddenly scared of poisonous snakes and other predators that could’ve been lurking. I wanted to hide behind her! She so insightfully said, “Maybe it’s because you found a person you trust enough to let yourself feel the fear, and you can believe I’ll accept and protect you.”
Years later I realized how true that is in another way, too. I act out my most wounded, vulnerable behaviors around people that I must subconsciously know are safe and can handle it, and who won’t condemn me because they know I’m working on changing. It’s how I’ve been able to make so much progress these last couple of years with the therapists I’ve had as well as my friends and GG. The emotional wounds can’t be cured until I’m aware of them, and they won’t be revealed, even to myself, if I don’t feel safe.
And that thought just released another awareness. I am finally able to feel vulnerable because I now officially trust MYSELF to not hurt me anymore. Tears of gratitude for that! And to have told GG how I feel about him means I had faith in my ability to handle the outcome, no matter which way it went. Also, with being made aware of that insecure part that doesn’t want to affirm others, God and I are correcting it so I am becoming a better friend and romantic partner. And this leads me back to last Tuesday’s post! WOW! This is all coming together in my mind, and heart! I truly am finally accepting instead of deflecting all the love the others have been pouring into me, and am beginning to generously give that love to myself and others! I am no longer sitting outside and looking towards the hope that someday this will happen, I am NOW residing smack dab in the middle of that hope, which has become reality! YAAAAAAAY!!!! HOORAY!!! THANK GOD, and ME!!
Whew! That was a lot of insight in a short period of time. Think I’ll go celebrate by getting some sleep! Emotional work can be so exhausting :))
Thank you for accompanying me on this journey. I hope you know I’m spiritually walking beside you, too.
I wrote this poem a hundred years ago (give or take). Fairly certain it’s not my best work, but it’s blessedly brief and self explanatory.
Looking forward to meeting with you again on Friday!
Do not know what a Tanka poem is. Take a chance, if this is not a Tanka then I guess I did not write a Tanka poem. Oops! c. Pearl E. M.
