2/10/24
Peace to you, good Person!
Is it easy for you to claim serenity in your life? If so, how do you go about it?
Peace is something that had been elusive for most of my life, and as I’m learning to claim it more through increasing faith in God and myself, I’m realizing how important it is to fight for it.
That kind sounds like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?
Yet, just waiting for serenity to fall into heart and psyche doesn’t work. We gotta make a conscious effort to shed the crap that gets in the way of allowing ourselves to have faith not just in God, but ourselves and those we love.
I’ve been making significant progress towards this lately with doing some intense inner healing work that began a couple of weeks ago. (As was written about on 1/27/24, “Faith Restored & Fun With Angels”.)
To keep the momentum going I’m continuing with more inner healing sessions and ‘doing life’ differently by choosing to do something FUN at least once a week. That helps to offset the questioning and negative overthinking, and is amping up the energy to live. Woo-hoo!
So last weekend I met up with a good friend and her husband to go to the local winter festival. They recently married and I love seeing how their differences and imperfections mesh so well. He’s protective of her and says such good things about their relationship – even when she’s not standing there!
One more reason I love them is, the first song they danced to at their wedding reception was “Under Your Scars” by Godsmack. It’s so nontraditional and the perfect song for them.
This weekend I’m helping out at a prom for people with special needs. It’s called “A Night To Shine” and it’s organized by the Tim Tebow Foundation.
I’ve never been to a prom and it wasn’t until the last decade or so that it occurred to me I actually want to have the experience. This’ll be a good way to do that without feeling like a fifth wheel because of going solo, ya know?
I’ve also been continuing with the inner healing work by practicing it on myself and am quite surprised with how well it’s going.
(A simplified explanation of how it works is: A person recalls a traumatic memory then asks {and sees} where Jesus was and what He was doing for them, while the experience was happening.)
One session was to heal from – and forgive myself for – all the self-abuse over the years. There were a few different issues to deal with, not just the physical self wounding. There’s also the thinking and speaking negatively about myself, self-sabotage, choosing abusive and demoralizing relationships (including family, marriage and faux friends), and pushing away good people and potentially mutually loving and respectful relationships.
I honestly didn’t think the healing session would go well even though I had decent results doing it a few years ago.
Back then, the memory that came to mind was: Little me (‘L.P.’), at maybe 3 or 4 years old, was laying on the floor and looked dead. L.P. was garbed in a long, pure white gown.
Jesus came into the room, gently picked L.P. up and cradled her in His arms. He walked over to the end of the bed and sat on it. He pulled His left arm out from under L.P.’s knees while laying them on his leg. He began gently stroking her forehead vertically between the eyes, seemingly pulling indistinct images out of her forehead and capturing them in His hand.
I knew He was taking the God-awful memories of what happened away. It took several years before it occurred to me the gown was a baptismal dress, and God was showing me that nothing that was ever done to me could alter how He knew me to be – pure and Holy in His sight.
It’s taken much more time to fully receive that beautiful truth.
This week’s inner healing session pertained to self abuse. It was a particularly nasty instance from about twenty years ago.
When I asked where Jesus was, at first He was a few feet in back of me. Then He moved in front of Me, insisting I look into His eyes. He was looking directly into my eyes with so much empathy and care, trying to fill up that seemingly bottomless void in my soul with love, respect and compassion.
He kept repeating I deserved so much better than that. Kept telling me He loved me no matter what, still saw me as Holy in His sight, and nothing could ever change that fact.
He was also trying to convince me He was greater than all the pain, anger, self loathing and compulsion.
I (now) understood He never held the self harming crap against me, but I couldn’t figure out how I could possibly forgive it. After all, I am the one person I SHOULD be able to depend on to NOT harm me. I had betrayed myself in the worst ways, and couldn’t imagine how I could ever recover from that.
Then God did the miraculous.
(This is for you, too, if you think you’ve done (or allowed) thing(s) too horrible to yourself to happen, and believe you’ve fallen past God’s – and self – redemption.)
Need to preface the next part of the healing with this:
I’ve written about having a ‘splintered’ mind. Technically it’s called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). It’s where parts of the psyche that hold traumatic memories too overwhelming to live with ‘splinter off’ and can essentially become separate entities. It used to be called multiple personalities. The way I understand it (and this is not scientific) is that DID is more of a spectrum so not everyone has completely segregated personalities. For the most part, in my case, the ‘executive’ personality (the ‘overseer of all the others’) would be aware of what’s happening, but not necessarily in full control.
For example, I would think at times like the five year old version of me, or react out of a specific personality type (some of which I’d named, as described on the home page via the ‘Cast of Characters’ button), with the ‘executive’ watching.
Because I’m thinking like a five year old (or whatever faction that was in control at the moment), I wouldn’t understand what I was saying or how I was reacting wasn’t coming from adult me. It wouldn’t be until later, when ‘executive’ me was back in control and thinking about the incident that I’d realize what happened, which helps explain why I’ve obsessed about things so much. I’ve been trying to remember what I did, understand it, and figure out how to do it differently if it happened again.
Unlike people with full blown DID, I’ve never found objects around the house that I didn’t know where they came from, and never had ‘black outs’ where I lost hours or days of time.
There have been a few instances where I lost several minutes of time, like when I’d be walking in a park and suddenly not know where I was. I’d have to take some time to look around until I could recognize the surrounding area and become fully cognizant again. I might recall what triggered the dissociation but not what happened during the interim, until my mind came back to the present moment.
That could happen with driving, too. Years ago I would be going to visit family, who were some of the worst abusers from childhood, and a few times had no idea where I was even though I was in the town I grew up in and knew like the back of my hand.
Back when first in recovery from all the childhood hell, dissociation did cause a car accident when I completely checked out mentally for a couple of minutes while driving. When ‘coming to’ I was driving passed a stop sign and then immediately t-boned someone. Thank God no one was hurt.
The dissociation is most apparent during interactions with people who intimidate me (which, for a significant part of my life, was everyone), or when emotions are running high, feeling threatened or overwhelmed. I might repeat the same question or thought several times because I couldn’t remember saying it the first few times.
(DID is hard to explain in just a couple of paragraphs. Ask questions in the comment box at the end of this post if you want to understand better; I’ll be happy to answer them for you.)
Back to the healing session . . .
I asked, “Lord, how can I convince myself You were there, when I was the one doing this, to me?”
He replied, “Pearl, that didn’t lessen My desire to protect you. So frequently it’s the self that needs protection from the self. Pearl, I love you, even now. Especially now. Let Me.”
I didn’t let Him, back then.
(Thank You, God, I’ve been learning to let You. Thank You for never giving up on me, and perpetually showing me I am worth the wait, and effort, to ‘get it’ fully.)
Holy Spirit whispered to my heart to imagine all the ‘splintered’ parts of self around me.
There were far more than I realized, and most were so young.
They were all happy to be with me though. I couldn’t imagine why, after what I’d done to them.
He told me: “Pearl, you did learn to, right? You did quit physically abusing yourself so give yourself credit for that. Now look to younger you and apologize to her. Look to adult Pearl, too, and apologize to her also.”
So I told them/me how sorry I was for what happened, how I had acted out of so much pain and anger and they/I never deserved any of it.
I asked if they/I were aware of all I’d been doing to heal, the upward trajectory of self love and respect, and how I hadn’t physically abused myself in quite some time so I am changing.
Went on to add what God knows about me/them: So innocent, cherished, and worthy to be loved. He knows that all my parts, no matter how wounded or ashamed – including sexuality – deserved to be respected, loved and honored.
I reminded myself of all Jesus has done for everyone, including ME – that He died on the cross to redeem us ALL, including ME. Gave myself permission to receive that now, or over time if that’s what it takes to completely absorb the Truth. I am worth the effort, and wait, if it’s necessary to get to the most complete healing to become the woman I was create to be, to achieve all God has for me to do, and to receive all the blessings He’s holding for me.
The realization hit that I had been fully forgiven and redeemed by the most loving and powerful force in the universe yet I still didn’t know how to receive self redemption. How dare I ask the younger versions of self to forgive me?
Jesus replied, “They already heave, Pearl. Those precious younger versions of yourself have been in My care, and they have seen all you have been doing to heal for their – YOUR OWN – sake. They, too, have seen your regrets, tears, pain, Pearl. They, too, have known why, and have been watching you heal, blossom, and become all you are created to be and do, and most especially, understand who you are in Me, Pearl: Whole, healed, peace filled and joyful. You deserve to be loved beyond measure by Me, Your Heavenly Father and the right people, including and especially yourself, Pearl.”
“See yourself as I do, Pearl – see yourself as I do. Close your eyes and imagine that, Pearl.”
So, I did.
I saw myself as redeemed, Holy, loved beyond measure, precious to Him, and clothed as God’s royal daughter, including a plush purple robe with a long train and a pearl beaded tiara.
Wow. What a difference that makes!
I’m still taking it all in, and making a vow to keep reminding myself of THIS truth until it becomes permanently and persistently integral to me.
Thank You, Jesus. (And Pearl!)
There are more memories and lies to work through and in the meantime, Hallelujah! Deeper healing is occuring and I am so very grateful!
Thank You God, for never giving up on me (or anyone else). For always loving us through our journeys, no matter how mad we get towards You, no matter what we’ve accused You of, and no matter how much our behavior must have tried your patience at times. Thank You for always seeing the truth in us, even when others &/or our self, couldn’t.
The gentle whisper of God replied: “Don’t judge Me by people’s standards, Pearl. I’ve always seen what’s right and Holy about you, as well as all others. Nothing diminishes that, and I am quite aware of what it takes for a mortal, imperfect being to do what they do – including while on their messy healing journeys; I Am each of yours’ Creator, after all. You are all always Beloved and Holy, Precious, Beautiful, Imperfect, and at times, sinners, in My sight. Even when I’m convicting or correcting you, I know where it comes from. Now let others know who I Am and where I ‘come from’ ~ Love”.
Thank You, God. Amen.
You, too, can experience this inner healing if you’d like. It’s for everyone, no exceptions. To read up on it, here’s the link to a Dr. Mark Virkler/CWG lesson on how to perform it for yourself: https://www.cwgministries.org/blogs/inner-healing-prayer-heals-painful-scenes-your-heart-and-mind
Today’s song has to be “Under Your Scars” by Godsmack. The band created a nonprofit based on this song called ‘The Scars Foundation’. Its aim is to “help raise awareness for mental help issues . . . to provide resources and educate those that struggle with suicidal thoughts, bullying, addiction, abuse, and more.” Proceeds from “Under Your Scars” go to this foundation.
(And some people wonder why I love rock music so much . . .)
