10/15/22
Hi SuperYou,
How do you do? (What song is that from?) (oh yeah – ‘My Name Is Sue’ by Johnny Cash.)
What would you say is one of your super powers?
These last several weeks have really shown me how far I’ve come, healing wise, and also where I can still stand to do some growing up. Kinda like how Psalm 139:23-24 says it:
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
He’s been guiding me for years, I just don’t always follow (which could be part of the reason it’s taken this long to get this far!).
And I get to figure out how to accept I am worthy of love in all it’s forms even though I’m not perfect (and never will be). Made some good progress these last couple of weeks, for sure.
I have no doubt God loves me (and You – there is no exception to that; trust me, I’ve read the
Bible several times, and nowhere is there an “*Except you” next to any of His declarations of love and promises, as in Jeremiah 31:3: “I (God) have loved you with an everlasting love, (no exception written here!) I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” (But don’t take my word for it – look it up for yourself. :))
It’s believing I am acceptable to mortals and worthy of their love, especially as they get to know the real, flawed, me. SOOO very grateful for the wonderful team I worked with at retreat a week ago who showed me others can (and do(!)) accept people like me, and even nurture and love us when we mess up repeatedly. Such a wonderful healing experience.
But I always prefer to go with the positive last, so here’s where I could use some prayer, if you’re so inclined. 🙂
As mentioned in last week’s post, I’ve been helping a friend (a couple of them, actually) with their health issues. Have been really ‘showing up’ and trying to do what’s right for ‘A’ lately, and proud that I do; wasn’t always the case, for sure. But there’s a pissy attitude that comes with my help, quite obvious at times, and that’s what needs work.
Have been driving ‘A’ to her to doctors appointments (that last 1-7 hours), and emergency rooms – up to (and usually) seventy miles each way, and up to five times a week. I’ll be honest, it’s getting a bit trying, like when last weekend I got to drive the 70 miles home at 8:00 a.m. after being awake for about 26 hours. Got a couple hours sleep in, then took her back again. On the upside, finally figured out how to keep myself awake while driving – listening to my favorite local band’s tunes online does the trick! The downside is, I had to pull over every few minutes to queue up another song, but I didn’t catch myself unintentionally crossing lanes or heading towards mailboxes, so hal-le-lujah!
(Wonder why their songs do what listening to regular radio full blast doesn’t; hmmm . . . maybe ‘cuz, even though they’re fast asleep (or playing a gig, or with someone) and don’t know so don’t care, in my mind/heart I can pretend they’re encouraging me with their music?)
But by helping ‘A’ so much, I’m not getting posts written, my dog had surgery and has stitches so I’m supposed to keep him from moving too much for the couple of weeks it’s taking to heal; contractor doing work at my abode, and clothes washer repair that’s taking several visits and weeks to complete, not to mention everyday stuff like trying to get some exercise and guitar practice in and other writing I’ve been asked to do, as well the on-line classes, etc.. Can’t figure out if I’m being selfish for being concerned about this stuff or if I need to draw some boundaries.
(As a side note, since that was written a couple of her relatives have stepped up to help, thank God! See? Prayer – even mentally screaming prayer – works :)!
In any case, others’ neediness can really create bitterness and I’m so not proud of this realization. So grateful to be learning to love and be there for people, and now ‘get’ to learn how to exorcise the resentment.
I understand where bitterness comes from (but it doesn’t excuse the behavior if I don’t chose change it). As a child the needs to be rescued, feel safe, and help for the emotional pain from all the trauma were humiliatingly denounced and I was blamed if I reacted to the pain. Now, I can’t give what I never learned to receive because there’s nothing to draw from. It really ticks me off because as it turns out, I’m not so different from ‘them’ after all.
Actually, I AM different; I chose to change. (Thank you, Pearl!)
Also, frequently when someone asks something of me I forget all they’ve actually done for me, too, and just focus on the inconvenience of not being in complete control of my own world. (Not to brag and all. Ahem)
AAAAANNND, that’s the other thing God’s been working with me on – control issues. Keep trying to remind myself He’s greater than all this and is therefore healing it – but I have to let go of control enough to allow Him to work through me; can you detect the conundrum here? :).
So much good has been happening lately, too.
Helped out at a retreat for several days, including giving a talk. I’ve worked with this group of people (GLPers) several times now and they’re genuinely kind, PATIENT, and nurturing people – women and men.
One of my jobs was to pray with the speakers before each of their talks (there were 10 total) and then fill in wherever needed – and there is always a need!
The GLPers worked so well with my issues. The room where I was originally to pray for the others was being used by another group so my teammates set it up in the room I (and my roomie) were staying in. I was so uncomfortable about that as far as the men were concerned – and like I explained, it’s not that I truly believed they would do anything ‘off’, just having trouble with it and they immediately, without judgement, told me I could pray where ever was best for me!
And that first night L.P. was definitely at the forefront. She must’ve realized kindness and nurturing were in the offing. I was embarrassed with how much I messed up, but whoever else was around was so accepting, it helped pacify and heal LP (and me). I felt so free to just be who I am instead of always, constantly, exhaustively trying to keep the ‘splinters’ repressed; There, I was love and accepted no matter which version was presenting itself. Later, when no one was around I willingly let LP out just a little bit more, and we did a couple joy filled slow twirls with my arms splayed out, wide.
I laugh more during these weekends than the whole 5 or 6 months leading up to them. I believe that with one lady in particular, ‘L’, if I die before her and she comes to my funeral it could very well be the first time the other attendants see a corpse laugh. You know how some people say things you thought but didn’t have the guts to say? Well, ‘L’ is the complete opposite – I never know how she’s going to respond so it’s a hilarious shock. Other team members are like that, too.
I love it when they say to me (!) how much fun I am – considering what an emotionally shut-down and uptight person I used to be that’s quite a wonderful affirmation of how far I’ve come.
Three sandhill cranes showed up at the campground and L and I were outside watching them. It seemed imperative to ask ‘L’: “So, there are three of them. Do you think it’s a family . . . or ‘menages a trois’?
That’s the first time I’d ever seen ‘L’ speechless.
(Maybe I say things that she never expects, too. :))
Got a few supporting hugs (and back rubs!!!!) from team members before my talk, and lots of compliments afterwards, even from the ‘pilgrims’ (the people there for the first time, not working).
That weekend was probably the first time, ever, I could actually allow some of the nurturing love that was being offered into my heart. Not that it’s never been offered before – quite contrary; these last few years I’ve been noticing it all around me in various situations, just couldn’t figure out how to let it in. Felt sooo good to finally quit fighting the positive and wallow in it.
And speaking to that, hadan amazing ‘God moment’ while working on an online class a couple weeks ago.
The class is about learning to sense God’s voice/guidance better. There was a meditation of walking with Jesus, and I was picturing myself at about eight years of age. I asked Jesus/God (not for the first time) to cleanse me of others’ (and my own) sins. I hate to admit/talk about this, but I usually still feel like I’m ensconced in a (thinning) layer of . . . um . . . stinky, revolting poo (AKA, shame).
Jesus gave me a pristine white towel. A lady helped me wash with it and when I pulled the towel away it was . . . still pristine white. Jesus was telling me (as is for you, too, if you ever struggle with this) I was never poo covered to begin with. Even though I know the shame was never ours (survivors’ and victims’) to begin with my wounded parts have had a hard time believing and receiving that truth.
The image (and weekend) took that truth a bit deeper. Thank You, God.
Since ‘A Boy Named Sue’ was mentioned, that’ll be this post’s video. Loved this song as a child; hope you do, too!
